Lawndale 2021 - Season 02
by Anguirus1955
Summary: The second season of Lawndale 2021! Join Daria, Captain Murphy, and the others as they experience more strangeness under the ocean! See a death metal band perform under water! See Alternate Universe versions of the main cast! See things that no sane person should ever have to see! Are you ready to go magnet with the insanity, whatever that means?
1. The Fourth Hull

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 015 [2-01]: The Fourth Hull

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

This episode is written in a semi-script format.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Unknown

We cut to the interior of Sealab as several crew members sit around a large table with envelopes, tablets, and papers. There are some computers in the room, with Upchuck stationed at one of them. He looks over at the camera before returning to his duties.

The camera zooms in before stabilizing and focusing on the various crew members sitting around the table. They include: Daria Morgendorffer, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Hank Murphy, Quentin Q. Quinn, Debbie Dupree, Jane Lane, Quinn Morgendorffer, Stacey Rowe, Stormy, Marco, Anthony DeMartino, and Bellerophon Shanks.

"Okay," Quentin begins, "I think we should start with the basic fan mail first." "Ooh! Can I read?" Quinn asks. "I should hope so," Quentin jokes. "Huh?" "I think you mean to ask: 'May I read?'" Quentin says. Quinn growls. "Okay, _may_ I read the first piece of fan mail?" she asks.

"Go ahead," Quentin says. Captain Murphy just stares blankly into space. Quinn looks at the first envelope she picks up and reads the message to herself first.

" _Dear Sealab crew,_

 _Why do none of you notice when the place explodes at the end of every other episode?_ "

"Well, that's an interesting question," Quentin posits. "I can answer that," Shanks says as he raises his hand. "Ya see, the continuity of Lawndale 2021 is tenuous at best, and contradictory at worst. While some episodes definitely occur after or before each other in a noticeable chronological fashion, the fact remains that often, most characters only remember either the general events or only certain parts of those episodes," Shanks explains.

Everyone raises their eyebrows in a questioning manner. "See, Daria, during the Alvis episode, you mentioned that you were having nightmares about a strange spider/shrimp monster. That was a reference to the episode that preceded it, which was a straight-forward horror story in the vein of movies like Alien, Leviathan, and Deepstar Six," Shanks continues explaining, stopping occasionally for breath.

"You also mentioned that you were having a three-way with Jane Lane and Tom Sloane, which was a reference to your talk with Amy during episode twelve," Shanks says as Daria and Jane both blush. "Um, Captain Shanks, I think you've given everyone a THOROUGH enough ANSWER to that question," DeMartino says with a slightly uncomfortable tone.

"Um, guys? May I read some fan mail?" Upchuck asks from his computer station. "No!" everyone shouts at him. Suddenly, Hesh Hepplewhite barges into the room. "Hey, I heard y'all were reading some smokin' hot fan mail! Hesh wants to read fan mail too!" he proclaims before tripping over a power cable.

"Um, Upchuck, maybe we'll let you read _one_ fan letter," Amy says. "Right now?" Upchuck asks eagerly. "Sure," Amy says. "Might as well get it out of the way now," she says out loud. "RRRrowwll!" Upchuck purrs in delight. "Do that again, and we will _revoke_ this privilege," Debbie warns him.

"Yes, Ma'am," Upchuck says compliantly. "Ahem, here's one that shouldn't get me in any trouble," Upchuck says after spending a minute searching the e-mails on the computer.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Why is Debbie Love only mentioned in one episode?_ "

"Hmm, I guess it has to do with the fact that she spends most of her time around the orphans, and that includes Dolphin Boy," Debbie says. "Yeah, we generally don't like dealing with Dolphin Boy," Daria says without remorse. "He's a creepy little freak," DeMartino says out loud.

"Even Mr. O'Neill doesn't like him," DeMartino says. "One time, he called a bunch of dolphins into the moon pool and they tried to pull off my outfit so he could see me naked!" Debbie exclaims. "I believe that Black Debbie _was_ supposed to make an appearance in that episode where you went maternal, but she was cut for reasons involving pacing or something," Shanks comments.

"Okay," Daria says, "I'll read the next one."

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Three questions: First, why are there two versions of Lord of the Deep available on the Paper Pusher Message Board?_

 _Second, will both versions of Lord of the Deep be made available on Fan Fiction dot net, or only one?_

 _Third, will the original first draft of Lord of the Deep ever be made available for people to read?_ "

Daria looks into the camera with an expression that is a mix between bemusement and contempt. "To answer your third question: NO. The original draft of Lord Of The Deep was one of the most unfunny and painfully written things that we have ever been in. It will never see the light of day," Daria says. "And, to my own knowledge, it is quite probable that the author deleted the original draft after posting the other two versions on the Paper Pusher Message Board," Daria finishes.

"Hmm, what about the first question?" Jane asks. "Well... I don't know. I can only speculate that while the author clearly thought that the version posted in the SDCU-0001-AAAA thread was the final official version, he was probably also fond enough of the second version to put it on the [daria swim] thread as a treat for readers. And for the second question, the other version is again only available as a treat to Paper Pusher Message Board members/readers/viewers."

"I'll go next," DeMartino says as he picks up a piece of paper.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Why doesn't Mr. DeMartino talk with his usual voice and speech pattern that was heard in the canon Daria series?_ "

"Well," DeMartino says as he looks at the camera, "Because I've been placed in an environment where I'm only exposed to the stupidity of Lawndale High's student population for brief durations instead of day after day, I find myself to be _far_ less stressed out than I was in the canon Daria series. Okay, next question."

Jane picks up a piece of paper and looks at it.

" _Dear Sealab crew,_

 _In the Bizarro episode, Debbie Dupree became very upset and jealous when Bizarro Amy and Bizarro Debbie were having sex with Dr. Quinn. She even goes so far as to call him a bastard for going along with their three-way. Yet, in an earlier episode, when Debbie desires to have a baby, she has no problem sleeping with Amy or anyone else for that matter, and she clearly references other people who she's had sex with even while going out with Dr. Quinn. Why has no one pointed out this hypocrisy?_ "

"You know," Jane says as she looks at Debbie, "That _is_ a good point." Debbie clearly looks uncomfortable with this question. "Um... pass!" she says as she grabs a letter from the table and begins reading it aloud.

" _Dear Sealab,_ _  
Why is cap murfy still in charge while Shanks is onbored. Dont u know that Shank only arrive after Murphy leave? How come u bad at stuff leik this? Why is Mr Demarno a commandeer? in Dara he only a teacher did he change job? Also the elevater episode suck coz it not very funny or have stuff blowing up._ "

"Sincerely, a twelve year-old who doesn't understand the meaning of fan fiction or proper spelling and grammar," Jane adds with a smirk. "Um, should we even _try_ to respond to that one?" Daria asks. "Nah, don't bother," Shanks says.

"Hesh is back on his feet now!" Hesh shouts as he sits down at the table. "Hesh, get out of here," Debbie says. "No! Hesh wants attention! Hesh demands he be allowed to read fan letters!" "Fine!" Quentin says. "If we let you read one, will you go away?" "Maybe," Hesh says. "Here, take one," Quentin says as he hands a piece of paper to Hesh. Hesh pulls out his own paper and dismisses the one in Quentin's hand.

"Ahem,

Dear Sealab,

Why is there so little screen time for Hesh Hepplewhite? You know that he is the smartest and handsomest and sexiest man on the station. How come he never gets to have sex with any of the hot women or do anything heroic like he should?" Hesh reads out loud. "Give me that!" Quentin shouts as he takes the paper from Hesh's hands.

"There's nothing written on here!" Quentin exclaims. "Dammit, Hesh!" Marco exclaims angrily. "Um, um... Hesh is-" "Get out of here now, before we lock you in a room with Dolphin Boy!" Murphy threatens. Hesh runs away, only to trip on a power cable and fall on his face again.

"Okay, who wants to go next?" DeMartino asks. "How about Captain Murphy?" Amy suggests. "Uh, okay," Murphy says as he picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Are Amy Barksdale and Jodene Sparks in a sexual relationship?_ "

"Well, that was pretty blunt," Murphy comments. Amy turns to look at the camera and takes a breath. "Well, the answer is that, yes, we are having relations every couple of weeks, but mostly for fun. Our relationship isn't exactly a serious one," Amy says calmly.

"Wait, you're having sex with a convict?" Jane asks her. "Yes, but only on occasion," Amy replies. "Is he any good?" Jane asks, prompting Daria to go slack-jawed in shock. "Jane! You have me... and Tom! And... sometimes, Elsie," Daria says, hurt. "Sorry, I was just curious. I'll make it up to you later tonight," Jane says to her in an apologetic tone as she covers one of Daria's hands with her own. "Hey, speaking of me, how about _I_ read some fan mail?" Sparks suggests as he raises his hand. "Sure, knock yourself up-I mean out," Daria says.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _In the original Sealab 2021, Dr. Quinn was mentioned and confirmed to be a cyborg in several episodes. Is that still the case in this series?_ "

Sparks looks at the camera. "Well, with the exception of that three-parter with the shrimp thing, yes. Doctor Quinn is indeed still a cyborg. We just haven't really had a chance or an excuse to bring it up, aside from a sadly wasted opportunity in Re-Shermanator," Sparks says.

Daria clears her throat as she picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Will we ever see the Bizarros again?_ "

Daria looks into the camera and frowns. "I should certainly hope _not._ "

"I'll go next," Jane says as she picks up a letter. "Ooh, this one's interesting!"

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Where are Helen and Jake? Are they dead? Is Amy actually Daria's mother in this universe? Did she sleep with Jake, did she sleep with someone else, or did she create Daria through parthenogenesis?_ "

"Did I pronounce that word correctly?" Jane asks Daria. "Which one?" "Par-then-o-genesis?" Jane says. "Yes, technically," Daria says. She and Amy both look into the camera. "Okay, let's get this straight. Helen and Jake are not dead. They are both alive, but they're working at a facility on land because their transfer forms were screwed up," Amy says.

"Also, Amy is not my mother. I sometimes wish that she were, but she isn't, although she does fill the role quite nicely since Mom and Dad aren't down here with us," Daria says with a shrug. "Aww, thank you, Daria," Amy says to her with a smile. "You're quite welcome," Daria replies. "Wait... you _aren't_ Daria's mother?" Stormy asks her in surprise. "Um, no," Amy says. "Oh. Does that mean you're single?" "Did you not hear the question about me and Jodene?" Amy asks him in response.

"Who?" Stormy asks. "Jodene. You know... _Sparks?_ " "Oh! I thought his first name was Overlord," Stormy replies. "O-Overlord?" DeMartino asks. "Yeah! He has this island fortress that he contacts every week or so, with henchmen, and a volcano!"

Amy looks over at Sparks, who simply whistles in a clearly guilty fashion. "I demand to be called 'Empress' by your henchmen, or no fun time for a month," Amy says. "Sure, as soon as this episode is over," Sparks says to her with a nervous laugh. Daria and Jane both stare at her in shock.

"What?" Amy asks them. "Um... is-is it okay if I read a letter?" Stacey asks timidly as she raises her hand. "Of course, Stacey," Amy says warmly. "Thank you!" Stacey exclaims happily before she picks up one. She reads it to herself before saying anything, and her face blushes red, almost making her look like a tomato.

"Stacey?" Quinn asks her before she takes the letter and reads it out loud.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Are Quinn and Stacey lesbian lovers?_ "

" _ **What!?**_ " Quinn shouts indignantly. "We most certainly are _not_ lesbian lovers! We are **bisexual** lovers! Just ask Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie!" Quinn proclaims haughtily with her eyes closed an a smug smile on her face. At this, Stacey faints and falls headfirst into Quinn's lap. "Not in public, Stacey! Oh, you just fainted. Never mind," Quinn says.

Quinn looks up and sees **everyone** staring at her, wide-eyed. "Um... I _really_ do not need to know about the sex lives of my students," DeMartino says in an uncomfortable tone. "Would you like to hear about Debbie's sex life instead?" Stormy asks him. DeMartino stares at him.

"Son, meet me later tonight, and I'll introduce you to an old friend of mine. His name begins with the letter 'P' and ends with the letter 'N'. You got that?" "Sure!" Stormy replies cheerfully. DeMartino smirks evilly.

"I'll read the next one," Quentin offers as he picks up a letter from the table.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Will we ever see Mystic Spiral perform in a future episode?_ "

"Um, I don't know. Jane, does your brother's band still exist?" Quentin asks her. "Sure, they often play at the Grizzlebee's over in Pod Twenty-Five. You know, the really big one with a stage and amplifier system that was stole-I mean, _borrowed_ from... uh, that abandoned floating stadium. You know, the one that belongs to that Death Metal band... whatever their name is," Jane says.

"So, the answer is... probably," Quentin says as he looks at the camera. "My turn," Debbie says as she picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Whatever happened to that pack of dogs from episode twelve?_ "

"Um... who cares!? They aren't in Sealab anymore, that's for damn sure!" Debbie says as she looks into the camera. "Oh, those poor dogs. They choked on Stormy's bones and the cyanide pills that Angela Li always carried with her," Murphy laments. "Man, my death was really painful," Stormy says.

"Wait, if you died, how are you still here now?" Daria asks. "Oh, this Stormy is just a clone. I have a whole bunch of them in cryonic storage in Pod Four," Quentin says to her with a smile. "Are there clones of other people too?" Daria asks him. "Um... yeah, but I only grow those for organ transplants."

"Hey! That was one of those _illegal_ ideas that I was arrested for!" Sparks says as he points a finger at Quentin. "How the hell do _you_ get away with it!?" "Hey, Yeah!" Amy chimes in. "Um... look, a sybian!" Quentin says. "Where!?" Jane, Daria, Amy, Stacey, Quinn, and Debbie all shout eagerly as they turn their heads. Quentin quickly slips away undetected.

In actuality, Quentin has a medical license and was discreetly given explicit permission from the United Nations and the World Health Organization to carry out his cloning project. Sparks was arrested because he didn't have any kind of license. He merely had a piece of scrap paper with the word "doctor" scribbled on it, and his assistant was an often-drunk midget who called him "Master" and sold experimental hallucinogenic drugs to kindergartners on the street for him.

"Okay, I'll go next," DeMartino says as he picks up a paper.

" _Dear Sealab crew members,_

 _Why do we see so little of Mack and Jodie?_ "

DeMartino looks into the camera with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Well, considering that both of those people are rather well-adjusted and sane, I would say that they're both smart enough to avoid getting involved with the mayhem and chaos that usually engulfs most of our main cast," DeMartino explains. "Except for that one time that Dr. Quinn dragged Mr. McKenzie away from a light homework session to work on Tommy Sherman's operation," he adds as an afterthought.

"I'll go next," Shanks says as he picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _After the events of Re-Shermanator, is Tommy Sherman still a cyborg?_ "

Shanks scratches his chin thoughtfully as he considers the question. "You know, I'm not entirely sure of that myself," he says as he looks into the camera. "He might be, but I guess it would depend on-" "No. No he is not," Quentin says as he pops back into the room. "Well, there ya go!" Shanks says.

"I'll go next," Murphy says. He picks up a paper and frowns. "I can't understand this," he says. "You're holding it upside-down," DeMartino tells him flatly. "Oh, oops," Murphy says, embarrassed.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _What's the deal with Elsie Sloane being a weak ripoff of the REE?_ "

"Well, first of all, I have **no idea** what this "REE" is, or even how it's pronounced. I'll just skip this letter and read another one," Murphy says, having never read Neon Genesis Evangelion fan fiction in his life, and thus has never read Nobody Dies or The Rebuild Of Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman. A sad little cupcake-obsessed man indeed.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Did you ever pay that fine to the FCC or get a license for that radio station?_ "

"What radio station?" Murphy asks, bewildered, as he looks at the camera. "Um, yes. We did, in fact, take care of that issue," Quentin says, shifting his eyes around in a suspicious manner. "Okay. Who wants to go next?" Murphy asks. "Stacey, why don't you go? You didn't actually read the last one you picked," Murphy says to her.

Stacey gingerly picks up a letter and looks at it.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Why is Captain Shanks the only person who is aware that he's a fictional character?_ "

"Well, um, Captain Shanks, do you want to answer that?" Stacey asks as she looks at him questioningly. "Sure! See, that's the way I was written in Sealab 2021, so that's also the way I was written here! Let's face it, the author is too damn lazy to change my personality. That's why I was only _mentioned_ in that story with the shrimp monster. Otherwise, that whole story would have fallen apart from the fourth wall being broken by me," Shanks explains.

"I'll read the next letter," Marco says.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _My name is Charles Foster Offdensen. It has come to my attention recently that you have stolen a set of expensive amp_ -whoa, we're going to ignore that one!" Marco says as he puts down the letter and picks up another one.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _My name is Phil Ken Sebben. My law firm is ready to reach out to people all over the world! In fact, one of our most recent additions claims to be related to one of your newest crew members. We would like to inform_ -yadda, yadda, yadda!" Marco says as he tosses the letter to the floor. Daria reaches down and picks it up before hiding it in her green vest.

"Aha!" Marco says as he finds a new letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _What is a bio-dome? This thing was mentioned in a few episodes. What is it?_ "

Marco turns to look at the camera. "You see, the bio-domes are special locations found within the newer pods that contain resources allowing for plants and animals to live in an artificial environment that bears some resemblance to their natural habitat. We have certain types of trees, grasses, berries, flowers, bushes, birds, lizards, snakes, chipmunks, squirrels, ants, bees, mantids, and even pigs, chickens, ducks, and turkeys living in these domes."

"But no cows or deer, or bison," Quentin adds. "Right. The largest bio-dome only has a radius of four kilometers," Marco says in agreement. "Um, isn't that still a pretty good distance," Daria asks them. "Well, it is, but that dome is used for farming wheat and corn and other vegetables and fruits," Quentin says to her. "What about the frozen stuff we get for the cafeterias and the restaurants?""

"Well, that would be the frozen meats, cheeses, and other dairy products," Quentin replies. "Don't forget about the canned foods we get from up top. That stuff takes up most of the room in our storage coolers and freezers," Sparks adds.

"Well, I guess I'll go next," Amy says before she picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _I am a Nigerian prince. If you would send me_ -fuck that!" Amy says as she tears the letter in half. She picks up another one.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _If Captain Murphy were given the opportunity to put his brain in the body of an Adrienne Barbeau-bot, would he do it?_ "

"You bet your nipples I would!" Murphy declares proudly. "What if you had to choose between your Happy-Bake oven and having the body of an Adrienne Barbeau-bot?" Daria asks him with a raised eyebrow. Murphy's eyes begin to twitch, before he starts foaming at the mouth and shaking his head while speaking in tongues. At this point, he falls onto the floor and starts writhing around in a manic form, before he gets up and runs out of the room, producing the Disney Goofy yell as the door slides shut behind him.

"Um... I guess I'll read the next one," Daria says as she picks up another letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Is the writer of this fan fiction a beautiful woman? I would like her address so that I may ask her out._ "

"Um, no. The writer of this series, Anguirus1955, is a man. We do not know where he lives or what he does for a living, as that is not the concern of fictional characters such as ourselves. And no, Anguirus1955 is not his real name," Daria explains as she looks at the camera.

"Ooh! Me next!" Jane exclaims as she picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _Will there ever be a crossover with the characters of Aqua Teen Hunger Force?_ "

"Aqua what?" DeMartino asks her. "I have _no_ idea," Jane says. "Are they, like, some kind of detective agency or mercenary group or something?" Amy asks out loud.

"I guess we'll just have to ignore that one and move on to another," Quentin says as he picks up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _How often to Dr. Quinn and Quinn Morgendorffer get confused when they're in the same location and people say 'Quinn' while trying to get the attention of one of them?_ "

"Um, I guess that used to happen a lot, but after we started making sure that people call me Dr. Quinn, it lessened. Then we started having people call Quinn Morgendorffer Female Quinn, or even White Quinn," Quentin says as he looks at the camera. "There's a lot less confusion now," he says with a smile.

"I'll go next," DeMartino says before picking up a letter.

" _Dear Sealab Crew,_

 _I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my pants. They are still missing. Will you help me find them?_ "

DeMartino looks at the camera with a frown. "No. Never send mail to us again."

Stormy picks up a letter. "My turn," he says.

" _Dear Sealab,_

 _The Ultra Cola company would like to ask you to participate with us in a special funding program for schools and other endeavors. We_ -hey... is this spam mail?"

"I believe it is," Daria says in a disappointed tone. She and the others begin looking that the content of their fan mail and read them silently. They begin forming two piles of mail: one for spam, and one for non-spam. The spam pile is five times the size of the non-spam pile.

"You know, this is really disappointing," Jane says in a melancholy tone. "Yeah. I guess we could just stop now," Amy says as she picks up a letter from the non-spam pile. "Hey, this one is addressed to _you_ , Daria," Amy says in surprise.

Daria looks at the letter and reads it to herself. She smiles. "Hey, Daria, what's up?" Jane asks her. "It's a letter from my parents. They want to tell me that they've gotten permission to use the communications system for a special conference call with me on my next birthday," Daria says with a hint of happiness in her voice. "Quinn, they're hoping to get permission for your birthday as well, but if they can't, the letter says that they'll wish you a happy birthday when they call me on mine," Daria says to her sister.

Shanks sighs before looking at the camera. "You know, this is really sweet. It's a shame that this letter from Daria's parents is the only thing that anyone is going to remember from this episode, aside from me, of course. Till next time," Shanks says. The screen then fades to black.

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

* * *

Here it is. Season 2 begins! Next episode sees the Sealab crew dealing with a murder mystery while a certain death metal band arrives for a special tour.

This series was originally posted on the Paper Pusher's Message Board.


	2. Murder, They Sang - Part 01

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 016 [2-02]: Murder, They Sang Part One

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Metalocalypse is property of Brendon Small and Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

In the darkened halls of a secure facility, several figures, all high-ranking men of various nations and governments, sat around in a large room. These men were collectively known as The Tribunal. In the center, near one row of seats, was an ancient and powerful-looking man with white or silver hair, named Mr. Salacia. He was the head of The Tribunal.

Standing near the front of the room, near a large screen, was Senator Stampingston, who was currently speaking about the latest activities of the death metal band known as Dethklok. "As we can see, Dethklok has arranged to perform a concert under the ocean. They will be transported to the stadium located inside of one of the pods of Sealab," Stampingston said.

"This event is not foretold in the Sumerian prophecy," General Grozer said. "No, neither is it found within the Dead Sea Scrolls either," said another man, wearin a grey outfit with a visor over his eyes. "Be quiet, Keel," Grozer said. "You had your chance and you blew it with that stupid program in Japan. Your sea scrolls didn't mention Mt. Mihara erupting either, and that set us back by ten years worth of research and production costs on those machines you tried to build," Grozer said.

Keel stayed quiet with a frown. "What of our informant in Sealab?" Grozer asked Stampingston. "She has been unable to establish the policies we wish for in Sealab, thanks to the efforts of Commander Anthony DeMartino and Doctor Quentin Q. Quinn, along with the less direct efforts of a Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer and Commander Jodene Sparks, a convict serving his sentence by working for Sealab," Stampingston said.

"Because Agent Viper has been so far unsuccessful in her duties, she is attempting to negotiate having Dethklok perform in Sealab in order to help us send more agents into the facility, and just as well, it will provide us with an excellent opportunity to eliminate Dethklok. After all, accidents do happen, and when they happen underwater, they can be catastrophic," Stampingston said.

Cardinal Ravenwood spoke up. "I concur. This is an excellent opportunity, and it also gives us a chance to infiltrate Sealab, which until now has been unaffected by us due to its location. Sealab poses a threat to our new world order, as it is untouched by us," he said.

"Yes, but perhaps we ourselves do not need to take action. Remember, Toki Wartooth is an angel of death, albeit not by intention. His kindheartedness will bring the people of Sealab close to him, and they will perish as all who have gotten close to him have done before," Keel Lorenz said. "And when he kills Sealab, Sealab will bring upon Dethklok's own destruction," he finished.

"We will not kill Dethklok at Sealab," Salacia said, his voice deep yet raspy. "We waaait..."

* * *

Opening Theme [Heavy Metal Variation]:

 _ **Excuse Me, Excuse Me…**_

 _ **I guess I'll have to be direct!**_

 _ **If you're gonna' stand!**_

 _ **On my neck!**_

 _ **[Chant of neck]**_

 _ **Then you'd better check!**_

 _ **[Chant of check]**_

 _ **Under the sea!**_

 _ **[Chant of sea]**_

 _ **Cause that is where you'll find me!**_

 _ **[Bitchin' guitar solo begins]**_

 _ **[Bitchin' guitar solo plays]**_

 _ **[Bitchin' guitar solo ends]**_

 _ **Underneath the Sealab!**_

 _ **Underneath the water!**_

 _ **Sealab, Sealab!**_

 _ **Sealab, Sealab!**_

 _ **Sealab, Sealab!**_

 _ **Sealaaab!**_

 _ **At the bottom of the Seeeaaa!**_

* * *

Date: Wednesday, November 18th, 2021

Daria Morgendorffer yawned as she woke up and stretched. After using the bathroom, she walked over into the kitchen. "Morning, Amy," Daria said as she saw her aunt sitting at the table, reading the news on her data tablet. "Morning, Daria. Can you check to see if Quinn's awake yet?" Amy asked her in response. They heard the bathroom door slide shut and ding as it locked.

"Never mind," Amy said. "So... what's on the agenda for today?" Amy asked her niece as she looked up from her data tablet. "School, followed by a shift on the bridge until twenty-hundred. Jane and Tom might show up for group homework," Daria replied as she grabbed some cereal before getting some milk out of the fridge. She went to pour the milk, but remembered that she hadn't retrieved a bowl yet.

"That might help," Amy commented with a smirk as she watched her niece retrieve a bowl from the cabinet. "Do you want something to scoop it with as well?" Amy asked her. "Huh?" Daria replied. "You know, in some places, people use these tools called spoons to consume liquids. I was thinking we should try them out sometime," Amy said.

Daria smiled at Amy's humor before she retrieved a spoon from the silverware drawer. "A spoon, you say?" Daria asked her, playing along. "Yes. Fascinating, isn't it?" Amy replied. "Indeed. It's as though a whole new world has been opened up to me," Daria replied as she sat down and poured her milk into the bowl before adding the cereal.

Amy went back to reading her tablet, before she raised an eyebrow. "Here, of all places?" Amy asked out loud. "Mmm?" Daria asked her. "There's been an announcement that famous death metal band Dethklok will be making a trip to Sealab for a special performance this Saturday," Amy said. "Who?" Daria asked. "Dethklok. A famous death metal band," Amy replied.

She looked up a website on the band. "Hmm, until a year ago, they were mostly popular in Europe, despite being an American Band, although two of their members are from Sweden and Norway. According to the website, after they performed a special concert in Atlanta last year, their popularity in the states skyrocketed and they've since become... obscenely rich and they are each worth millions of dollars," Amy said.

"Their current members are Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, William Murderface, Pickles the drummer, and Nathan Explosion. Past members include Magnus Hammersmith," Amy said. "They are currently hiring for the positions of security dog feeder, backup-backup chef, fan-mail screener, and janitor at their residence," Amy said.

"Morning Aunt Amy, morning Daria," Quinn said as she entered the kitchen. "Hey, Quinn, have you ever heard of Dethklok?" Daria asked her. Quinn froze. _I promised Stacey that I would never tell_ _ **anyone!**_ _How did they find out?_ "Um, who?" Quinn asked her. "Some metal band that's coming to visit Sealab this weekend," Daria replied.

"Hmm, I'd better warn the fashion club," Quinn said. "Death metal is so gaudy and ugly looking. Our eyes will burn from just seeing them," Quinn said. _Or, at least Sandi's eyes will burn_ , Quinn thought. "Fashion Club?" Amy asked her. "Yeah, Stacey and I are both members. I thought you knew about me being in the club, though. Anyway, we just recently reformed the club last month, as the whole moving to Sealab thing during the summer made it very difficult to coordinate things after we arrived, so we had to disband for a short period when it got too chaotic. It was shortly after Debbie Dupree went baby crazy, but now we're back in action!" Quinn proclaimed.

"Yay," Daria said flatly. "Oh come on, Daria! With the uniforms everyone is forced to wear, we don't have as much importance as we used to have, so we don't have as great a presence anymore," Quinn said. "Well, that's one way of looking at it," Amy said as she sipped her coffee. "I guess," Daria replied.

"Daria, despite my own reservations about society and fashion, I do think that you should at least take into consideration the fact that your sister values the club's existence. She did meet and make friends, and I'm sure that she has some fond memories of it," Amy said to her other niece. "It was a part of her life that underwent a dramatic change, just as everyone living in Sealab has experienced. So at least show some respect in that regard," Amy added.

Daria gave her a pointed look. "What? I'm not going to play favorites here. Your grandmother did that with Rita and you know how it affected your mother and me," Amy said. Daria sighed as she conceded defeat. "Fine. Quinn... um, I think that it's good for-" "Daria, you don't have to do that. Just acknowledge that your sister has the right to be happy about regaining something that's important to her," Amy said.

"I'm gonna go over and make sure that Stacey's awake. I don't want to be late again, even if Mr. Van Driessen is pretty lax," Quinn said as she left the kitchen. "So... you didn't want me to lie about being happy for her, but you don't want me to disparage her insipid little club either," Daria said.

"Daria, listen, I think that the fashion club, from what I know about it, is rather shallow and conceited, and I do wish that your sister would find something with more meaning and substance. _But_ ," Amy stressed, "I also think you should realize that, while you and I both share the same opinion on something, I'm not going to let you use that as a means to win an argument with your sister."

"If you want to convince Quinn that the fashion club is pointless, then do so with a reasonable and logical argument. If that fails, then don't worry so much. It's not like she's pushing you to join them, right?" Amy said. "And in any case, Quinn did have a point; with Sealab's uniform policy, the fashion club has very little, if any, power over your peers. Really, they're just a bunch of girls who like to talk about fashion now, so they can't do much harm to anyone's sense of self-worth anymore," she finished.

Line Break

"Morning, Sparks," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said as he entered the bridge. "Morning, Dr. Quinn," Sparks said as he looked away from his game of Solitaire on his console. "So, did you hear about this week's special event?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "You mean that metal band who's coming here Saturday?" Quentin replied.

"Um, no. They're performing Saturday. They're actually coming here today," Sparks said. "Today?" Quentin asked him. "Yep. And you can thank Commander Angela Li for inviting them. They should be here in about two or three hours," Sparks said as he returned his attention to his game of Solitaire.

"Wait, where will they be staying?" Quentin asked. "Oh, somewhere, I guess. Commander Li is in charge of the accommodations, since she's the one organizing the event," Sparks said. Just then, Amy Barksdale entered the bridge. "Jodene, Dr. Quinn," she said in acknowledgement. "Amy, what are you doing here so early?" Sparks asked her. "I was called here by Commander DeMartino," she replied.

"DeMartino? I haven't seen him in he-" Just then, the other door opened and Captain Murphy walked onto the bridge, followed by Commander Anthony DeMartino. "Which is why you should relax," DeMartino said. "Uh-huh. Well, as long as they aren't actually carrying the Great Pestilence, then I won't kill them in the airlock," Murphy said.

"Commander, you wanted to see me?" Amy asked DeMartino. "Ah, yes. Lieutenant Barksdale. I wanted you to take a maintenance team and inspect the stadium in Pod Thirty. The stage, the seats, the floors, the stairs; everything. With Miss Li's special band coming this week, I have no desire to hear her harping at me if something goes wrong. My sanity just cannot afford it at this time," he said. "I see. What about Lieutenant Commander Marquez?" Amy asked him.

"He's taking several maintenance groups to inspect the smaller stages in the schools and eating establishments, in case the band decides to have warm up sessions somewhere small. I know that it's unlikely, but with Ensign Lane and his band playing at Grizzlebee's every Thursday, the chances of someone mentioning Mythic Spiral to a member of Dethklok and piquing their interest are too great," he explained.

"I'd rather be safe than sorry," he added. "Lane... he's in maintenance, isn't he?" Amy asked him. "I believe so. He usually works with Marco, and since you are usually assigned smaller tasks to handle on your own, it's only logical that you wouldn't encounter him that often," DeMartino said. "His sister is my eldest neice's best friend," Amy said. "And the band's name is _Mystic_ Spiral," Amy corrected him.

Line Break

"So," Charles Foster Offdensen began "I take it that everyone here is ready?" "Yeah, sure. No problem!" Pickles said as he reclined against his seat in the Death-X. It was a large multi-atmospheric vessel constructed from the remains of the Super-X II. Dethklok had purchased the remains from the Japanese government after the machine's near-total destruction earlier in the year at the hands of Godzilla*.

"Wowee! We gets to be underwater again!" Toki exclaimed joyously. "I cants waits to plays in fronts of all those people!" "Uh, they do have sturdy glass and metal in this Sealab place, right?" Nathan Explosion asked Offdensen. "Yes. The newest Pods were constructed with the most damage-resistant materials available," Offdensen replied.

"So, it'll withstand the octaves and decibels of our music? We won't break anything and drown to death?" Nathan asked for confirmation. "I assure you, they are well aware of what your music can do. I would never have accepted the invitation without proof that Sealab' structural integrity could survive a tour from us," Offdensen said reassuringly.

"So, will this place have lots of hot womens? If it doesn't, that will be totally dildos," Skwisgaar said. Offdensen sighed. "Just as long you all remember to behave yourselves," he said. "Cool," Murderface said with his arms crossed.

"Hey, do you thinks they only eats fish down there, or do they haves lots of other foods?" Toki asked. "You'll have to wait and find out," Offdensen said. "Aww, mans. I hates waiting!" Toki whined. "Deal with it," Nathan said. He looked over at Pickles, who had already fallen alseep. Nathan smirked.

"Hey, do you have a marker?" Nathan asked. Offdensen looked at the sleeping Pickles and then back over at Nathan. "No. And I would appreciate it if you would save your shenanigans for _after_ we've arrived," he said. "Fine," Nathan said reluctantly. The rest of the ride was silent.

Line Break

"I understand," Angela Li said. "No, of course not. Yes, everything will go according to plan. Well of course the money will go to the school and Sealab's maintenance. I mean, what else would it go to?" Li asked nervously. " _Your security systems?_ " asked the voice on the other line in an accusing tone. "W-What are you talking about. This whole thing is strictly for the benefit of Sealab and the glory of New Llaaawwndale Hiiiiiigh," Li said into the phone.

" _If you say so, but I'll be watching you,_ " the voice said before hanging up. Li placed the phone back on the receiver of the console. "Commander Li," came the voice of Diane Bennett from the door as it slid open, "They're here."

"They?" Li asked. "Dethklok," Bennett said. "Already? Are they still decompressing?" Li asked Bennett. "I think so. They won't be exiting the Death-X for at least another hour or so," Bennett replied. "Although, I've been thinking... about the money Sealab would gain from this," Bennett said.

"Yes?" Li asked her. "Well, I've done the math and... I don't think we would actually receive anything extra to benefit us. We'd be paying them for the tours, and they'd be paying us for using our stadium and other resources but in the end, it all ends with us making very little as what we receive will only serve to offset what we pay them, and we'll have only a few hundred dollars left over," Bennett explained.

"It's still a profit," Li said. "Yes, but-" "No buts," Li interrupted her. "Now, I have to get ready to meet our guests," Li said as she stood up and left the room. Diane Bennett simply sighed.

Line Break

As the airlock doors opened, Charles Foster Offdensen stepped into Sealab, followed by the band and a handful of Klokateers, along with Dick Knubbler, the band's producer. The welcome party for the band consisted of Commander Angela Li, Captain Murphy, Commander DeMartino, and a reluctant Daria Morgendorffer. Daria looked at Knubbler's face, blinking in confusion as she saw the metal orbs in the sockets of his eyes.

"Wow, what a cramped dump!" Murderface exclaimed as he looked around. "So, where's the babes and the fans?" he asked. "They don't know that you're here yet," Li said. "Why not?" Murderface asked. "Actually, it was agreed upon that while your performance would take place on Saturday, we would all be arriving early so that you could become acclimated to Sealab's environment properly," Offdensen said.

"Soo... we get to explore this place and stuff?" Pickles asked as he looked around. "Wowee! This place... looks kind of boring," Toki said as he looked around. "It's where people live. It would be clean and magical otherwise," Daria snarked. "Really?" Toki asked her thoughtfully. Daria rolled her eyes.

"So, who is the four-eyes?" Skwisgaar asked. "I'm Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer," Daria said firmly. "That's a really long name," Toki said. "Um, dude, I don't think that _whole thing_ was her name. Just the last two parts," Pickles said. "Hows do you know?" Toki asked him.

"Because, Lieutenant Junior Grade is, like, a military rank," Pickles replied. "Really? I thoughts theys was only Private, Corporal, Sergeant, Lieutenant, and General," Toki said in confusion. "What? No," Pickles replied. _Well, at least one of them seems to have a brain_ , Daria thought to herself. She looked over at DeMartino and whisered, "Remind me why I was pulled out of my last class for this."

"Your last class of the day was a study hall," DeMartino said. "And since everyone else is busy, I _refuse_ to be the only sane person dealing with this group," DeMartino answered in a whisper. "Ahem, which one of you is in charge of Sealab?" Offdensen asked after clearing his throat.

"That would be Captain Murphy," Commander DeMartino said as he gestured to the white-haired man standing next to him. "So... no one here carries the Black Death?" Murphy asked. "What?" Offdensen asked him. "You're called Death Clock, right? You bring about the countdown until death?" Murphy asked.

Offdensen raised an eyebrow. "Um, no. We're just a... highly successful metal band that specializes in the subgenre of death metal," Offdensen said in a professional manner. He straightened out his tie. "So, are the accomodations for the band ready? We do have rooms in the Death-X if they aren't, but helping the band accomodate themselves to the environment of Sealab may prove beneficial to their songwriting and performance on Saturday," Offdensen said.

"Of course the rooms are ready. We have a special guest suite prepared for Dethklok and the rest of your party," Commander Li said. "Party?" Pickles asked. "I meant group," she said. "Oh. Yeah, maybe staying quiet will give us a chance to look around without being assaulted by fans," Pickles said.

"Yeah," Nathan said. "Do you have some, like, spare uniforms so that we won't be recognized right away?" he asked Commander Li. "Um... what size do you wear?" she asked. "Finally, a woman who doesn't have my clothing size on hand. This means that you, like, _aren't_ going to sneak into my room and try to molest me in my sleep, right?" Nathan responded.

"Cause that totally happened in Sweden once, during this tour, and we had to fire half of our security team because they didn't do their job. We fed them to wild wolves as part of the ceremony for firing them," Nathan explained. Li's eyes widened, as did everyone elses. "Hmm, I like his sense of humor," Daria said.

"Actually, he's being serious," Offdensen said. Daria looked at the man questioningly. "What?" she asked him. "That was the punishment they received. A handful of them survived and were able to re-apply for employment, but the others died," Offdensen explained. "Is that even _legal?_ " Daria asked.

"According to the contract that they signed when they applied for employment, yes," Offdensen replied. "Trust me, kid, I'm a lawyer. I wrote half of the contracts myself," Offdensen said. "I see. And the Geneova Convention doesn't apply to the band's policies?" Daria asked him.

"Everyone who works for us signs a waver relieving the band from all responsibility for injuries or death sustained by the employee. We also have fans sign this waver at concerts," Offdensen replied. "Hn," Daria replied.

"Mr. Offdensen, if I may," DeMartino began, "I would like you to know, right now, that I am the third in command of Sealab. I will tell you right now, that the lives of the people under my command, including our civilian population, matter to me. I will have you know that any injuries or deaths caused by your band will not be waved away by legal papers or contracts."

"Is that so?" Offdensen asked in response. "Yes. In fact, if you would like to speak with Dr. Quinn later, he would be more than willing to explain just how this will work. In simple terms, however, if your people hurt my people, then you will compensate them," DeMartino said.

"What if they release the plague?" Murphy asked. "Captain, there is no plague," Daria said to him. "Okay, but I'm going to wear my hazmat suit anyway. Oh, one more thing! If anyone touches my Happy Bake oven, I will shoot them out of an airlock," Murphy said before he got inside of the transport cart and took off.

"Did he says Happy Bake ovens?" Toki asked. "Yes. You do have your insulin with you, right?" Offdensen asked Toki. "Of course! I brought an extra pack just to be safe," Toki replied cheerfully. "Good. Glad to hear it," Offdensen said. "Well then, Mister Offdensen, while Miss Morgendorffer shows the band to their suite, Commander DeMartino and I will assist you in your other endevors while we search for Doctor Quinn," Commander Li said.

Line Break

"Wow, nice looking place," Pickles commented as he looked around the extravagent suite. "It um... does really have that dark and brooding feel that we need for our music, though," Nathan said. "Really?" Daria asked in a flat tone. "Yeah, we, likes, needs to have atmospheres for our musics," Toki explained. "Do you always add an 's' to every other word?" Daria asked him curiously. "English is nots my native tongue," Toki explained. "Oh," Daria replied. She'd assumed that his accent was simply part of his demeanor. She now felt rather... well, _slightly_ ashamed of herself.

"So... Daria, right?" Nathan asked her. "Yes," Daria replied. "Cool name," Nathan commented. "Um... thanks," Daria said with uncertainty. "So, Daria," Pickles said, "What's up with that Li chick? She, like, leaves five grown-(he paused and glanced at Toki)-well, five _men_ alone with a teenage girl?"

"You said your rank was, like, Lieutenant Junior Grade. How old are you?" Pickles asked as he looked at a communication console on a wall. "I'm sixteen years old. I'll be seventeen next year. So, I'm still a minor," Daria responded flatly with a hint of warning in her tone. "Whoa, relax," Pickles said. "I know better than to go after jail-bait. Being famous don't help those kinds of problems."

"And you don'ts haves to worries about me, Daria," Skwisgaar said with a smile. "I prefers... older women." "Um... okay," Daria said. "Yeah, he, like, has a thing for women with wrinkles," Nathan said. "They don't haves to have wrinkles. I just likes women who know what they are doings. Older women are more _skilled_ than younger womens," Skwisgaar explained.

"Um, hey, Daria," Toki began, "Do you know if theres a place where I can stores my insulins around heres?" "Insulin?" Daria asked him. "Ja! I haves the diabetes, so I needs to take insulin shots," Toki explained. "Oh," Daria said. "Yeah, it really sucks. And I can't eats really sweet snacks as much as I'd likes anymore. So I haves to saves them for specials occasions," he added.

"Well, there is a small fridge right over there," Daria said as she looked at and pointed to the small bar in the corner of the room. "Does it haves adjustable temperature controls?" Toki asked her. "I don't know. I've never been in here before today," Daria replied.

"Wait! Where do we put our beer?" Murderface asked. "Um... I don't know," Daria said dismissively. "How can we possibly play without a drink beforehand!?" Murderface asked her. "Figure that out yourself," Daria replied. Pickles snickered.

"Say, do you haves, likes, food libraries around here?" Skwisgaar asked her. "A what?" Daria asked in reply. "He means a grocery store. Or someplace to buy food and stuff," Pickles explained. "Well, there are a handful of commissaries. One in Pod Six, one in Pod Nineteen, one in Pod Twenty-three, and one in Pod Thirty-one," Daria said.

"Are there any hookers?" Murderface asked. "None that I'm aware of," Daria replied flatly. "Figures. Shit-hole under the ocean," Murderface muttered. "Hey, man, it's still better than that shithole we visited in Texas," Pickles said. "Please, Pickles, don't bring that up," Nathan said.

"Why not? It's a fun little roadie story," Pickles said. "Um, you're talking about a bar or stadium somewhere, right?" Daria asked. "Well, not exactly. See, I was talking about this whole _town_ that was a complete hell-hole," Pickles said. "I can still remember the name of the place, and Nathan here has nightmares about it sometimes."

"Dammit, Pickles!" Nathan exclaimed angrily. "What? You have every right to hate that place, just like we all do! Even Toki will admit that the place should be set on fire and burned to the ground," Pickles replied as he leaned against a wall with his arms crossed.

"Um, this town... you said that you remember its name, right?" Daria asked warily. "Sure," Pickles replied. "It wouldn't be... Highland, by any chance, would it?" Daria asked him. "How did you know?" Pickles asked her.

"I didn't," Daria said. "Wait... you've been to Highland, Texas?" Nathan asked her. "I lived there until for the first fourteen and a half years of my life," Daria explained. "Oh, wow. You, like, have our sympathies and stuff," Pickles said. "Yeah. That place sucked," Toki quipped.

"The only good thing about it was that it made me angry enough to write five songs for Planet Piss!" Murderface exclaimed. "And yets you still haven't released a single albums," Toki commented. "It isn't ready yet!" Murderface exclaimed. "Um, so, what exactly happened in Highland?" Daria asked them.

"You know, if this girl lived there for almost fifteen years and managed to walk away with her sanity intact... what does that say about five grown men such as ourselves who stayed for only a few days and still have nightmares about it?" Nathan asked rhetorically.

"Speak for yourself, Nathan. I don't got any nightmares about Highland. I just don't ever want to go back there," Pickles said. "Yeah! The people were fucking dipshits! Morons! Assholes! Dickwads!" Murderface ranted. "Oh yeah, remembers that one kid who pulled his shirt overs his head?" Toki asked.

"Oh yeah," Nathan said. "That was actually kind of funny." "Yeah, he called himself the Corn Man!" Toki said. "Um, I think it was Cornholio," Pickles said. "So... you met them," Daria said. "Them? Oh you mean Blondie and Brownie?" Pickles asked her.

"Beavis and Butthead," Daria replied. "You knew them?" Nathan asked her. "I went to school with them," Daria replied. "That means you know their real names, right?" Skwisgaar asked her. "Yeah, and I just told you their real names," Daria replied. "You only told us one of their names. You just repeated the label everyone gives to the other one," Pickles said. "Um... that _is_ his name," Daria replied. "Whoa, seriously?" Pickles asked her.

"Yes. His mother was on a mescalin high or something when she named him," Daria replied. "Wow. You lived there and put up with those assholes for fourteen years?" Nathan asked her. "Yeah," Daria replied flatly. "You, Daria, have earned our respect," Nathan said to her. "Um... thank you." "You know, we actually had our Klokateers beat the shit out of those two when they wouldn't stoop bothering us," Murderface said.

"Yeah, but it didn't really do anything. They actually thought it was cool," Pickles said, remembering the words of the two morons. "Well, they are complete idiots," Daria commented. "I don't know... idiot might be too kind a word for them," Pickles said.

"Yeah... hey, are there any places to eat around here? Like, bars and stuff?" Nathan asked Daria.

Line Break

"This is Grizzlebee's," Daria said as she led Dethklok through the doors of the restaurant and bar. She had chosen to show them the Grizzlebee's located in Pod 25, which had a stage that small bands often performed on. "Hey, a stage," Pickles said as he looked around the restaurant/bar. "So, there must be, like, other bands that play around here, right?" Pickles asked Daria.

"Well, only about three. The Harpies, Nuclear Mustache, and Mystic Spiral," Daria responded. "Hmm, are they any good?" Nathan asked. "Depends. Mystic Spiral is kind an alternative-rock grunge type band. Their lead singer is my best friend's brother," Daria replied. "Okay, what about the other two?" Pickles asked her.

"Nuclear Mustache is sort of a... Queen-type thing. They're a rock band, but they don't really fit into any one particular style or sub-genre of rock," Daria replied. "What about the Harpies?" Pickles asked her. "They're... similar to Mystic Spiral, but mostly women," Daria said.

"Mostly?" Skwisgaar asked her. "They have one guy. He plays the drums. The rest are all women," Daria replied. "How olds are they?" Skwisgaar asked. "Probably around twenty-five or less," Daria replied. Skwisgaar's face fell. "Oh."

"So... these bands... are they any good?" Toki asked her while Pickles and Nathan went over to a small stand where a waitress was waiting. "Well, good is really a subjective term. What I think is good may not be what another person thinks is good, and vice versa," Daria replied.

"Okays, whats do you thinks of thems then?" Skwisgaar asked her. "I think Nuclear Mustache is decent. Mystic Spiral... well, despite being the best friend of the lead singer's sister, I have to admit that they are... really awful," Daria admitted. "Wow. That... that took courage," Skwisgaar said as he held a fist over his heart. "Yeah," Toki said with genuine agreement. "Real courage," he said with a smile.

"No. If you ever hear them play, you'll find yourself agreeing. Even Jane thinks they're awful," Darai replied. "Who is Jane?" Toki asked. "The lead singer's sister," Daria replied as she looked over to see Nathan and Pickles talking to a waitress. "Ah, maybe we gets to meet Jane somestime?" Toki asked her.

"Maybe. School's been over for at least twenty minutes now, so we might meet them if we head to the bridge in Pod One," Daria said. "Um, hey, is it okay if we stay here and get some food first? I mean, we haven't really had anything to eat since we got into the Death-X this morning, aside from that candy bar I found," Pickles asked as he walked back over to the group. "Well, I guess we could. Um... is it okay if I call Jane and ask her and Tom to Join us?" Daria asked them. "Sures!" Toki said.

"By the way, who is Tom?" Toki asked. "Jane's boyfriend," Daria replied as she took out her cell phone. "How old is Jane?" Skwisgaar asked. Daria sent him a glare that could have split the Earth in half as she replied. "She is my age. Do not _touch_ her," Daria said with restrained aggressiveness.

"Um, do we have to bring up the whole older women thing again?" Pickles asked her with a raised eyebrow. "Oh," Daria said, embarrassed. "Ja, I likes the cougars," Skwisgaar said with a smile. "Good muscle control," he added with a grin.

Line Break

Several hours later...

Angela Li walked into her quarters and sat down on her chair. Today had been quite eventful, and so she had left Sergeants Sorola and Ramsey in charge while she had retired for the night. Her discussions with Charles Foster Offdensen were not what she had wanted or expected. Even though he didn't agree with DeMartino on much either, the fact remained that he was an obstacle in her way.

When she heard the door to her bedroom open, she prepared to berate Miss Morris, with whom she'd been having a relationship for several years, for her usual surprises, but instead found herself looking at the laser dot of a gun with a suppressor attached to the barrel. " _General Grozer wants you alive for a while longer, but I don't believe that this is wise._ "

"W-Where's Samantha?" Angela asked the masked figure. "She's fine... for now," the masked figure replied. "You, on the other hand, have some questions to answer."

* * *

Thursday, November 19th, 2021

Captain Murphy stood on the bridge and looked out the windows of Sealab. " _Damn hazmat suit. Reflects the windows too much!_ " he complained. "You're the one who chose to wear it," Sparks said as he played a game of Free Cell on his console.

" _I know, but it's almost impossible to eat my cupcakes through this damn thing, and I refuse to have them given to me through a tube!_ " Murphy lamented. "Well, you could always take the suit off," Sparks suggested. " _But then I'd be exposed to the clock of death!_ " Murphy exclaimed.

Sparks sighed. "Captain, the name is Dethklok. It is spelled D-E-T-H-K-L-O-K. Get that? It means that they don't actually bring about death... intentionally," he said. " _I still don't know,_ " Murphy said. "Okay. Be that way," Sparks said as he resumed his game.

Line Break

"So, anyone up for a little practice somewhere small?" Pickles asked. "What?" Murderface replied. "You know. That Grizzlebee's place. I think we should go there and practice tonight, or at least belt out some tunes. We could even go without our stage makeup, you know, since we're not performing for a paying audience and stuff," Pickles said.

"Um... why would we perform somewhere if we're not going to get paid?" Murderface asked him incredulously. "For fun?" Pickles suggested. "Hmm, I sees," Toki said as he put a finger up to his chin in a thoughtful manner. "Waits, you means we shoulds plays withouts getting paids?" Skwisgaar asked him.

"You know... I understand that we should get out and do something, but... yeah, I'm not big on the idea of playing without getting paid," Nathan said contemplatively. "Oh come on, guys," Pickles said. "We can at least listen to those other bands and find out if they're any good. Besides, I think we've been getting a little stale and repetitive lately. Maybe some competition will drive us to be more creative or something," Pickles suggested.

"At the very least, we can prove that we're better than those other bands if we play alongside them or something," Pickles said. "Hmm... so, play without getting paid, but still show everyone that we're the best? I dunno..." Murderface said.

"Gentlemen," Offdensen said as he walked into the room, "I think that... you should practice somewhere and come up with lyrics for at least one new song." "Um... don't we make that decision?" Pickles asked him. "Yeah. You just handle the money, and legal stuff, and middle man stuff, and management stuff, and other things that only you know how to do," Nathan said.

"Yes, that's true. But... I don't want you all getting restless. So, go explore, but stay together, and then get some ideas and come back here to practice later," Offdensen said. "You know guys, I thinks he has a point," Toki said. "We may not gets the chance to come back heres for a long time. Let's go explore!" Toki exclaimed excitedly.

"Ugh, fine. We'll like, go look around and stuff," Nathan said. "I don't wanna!" Murderface said. "Hey, come on, Murderface. Maybe you'll get to punch someone," Pickles said. "Um, I would advise against doing that. The people in charge of Sealab are decidedly... stubborn and protective of the people who work and live here," Offdensen said.

"Wait... bosses who care about their workers?" Pickles asked. "Um... for the most part, yes," Offdensen replied. "Damn. This place _is_ weird!" Pickles said as he got up. "Um... hey, guys? I just thoughts of something. Where exactly are we going while we explore?" Toki asked.

Line Break

"She hasn't left her quarters yet. This isn't like her at all," Lieutenant Sasha Winters said as she led Lieutenant Sherman and Commander DeMartino to Commander Li's quarters. "The door is locked, so she must still be inside," Winters said. "Here, my access card should open it," DeMartino said as he swiped the door and entered a command-level access code into the keypad. The light above the door turned a bright green as the door dinged and slide open.

"Commander Li?" Winters asked as she walked into the spartan living quarters. The trio made their way over to Angela Li's bedroom, before they saw Samantha Morris, one of the gym teachers for New Lawndale High, sleeping in Li's bed. They then looked over to the floor and saw Angela Li. Walking over to her, DeMartino noticed something unusual. There was a red line around her throat, like an impression. He quickly checked her for a pulse.

"She's dead!" he announced. Everyone saw Morris begin to stir. When she opened her eyes, Morris looked at the three people in the room, and gulped. "Um... Angela-I mean, Commander Li, um, let me stay the night because I was locked out of my own room," she lied hastily.

"Oh, and where is Commander Li right now?" Winters asked. "She's probably at her station. You can call her and she'll corroborate my story," Morris said defensively. "Wrong. She won't say anything, because she's dead," DeMartino said.

"What!? How do you... A-Angela? Angie?" Morris said as she looked over at the body on the floor. "Angie!? Angie!" Morris began to cry. "Um... Tommy Sherman is confused right now," Tommy Sherman said. Commander DeMartino simply sighed.

Line Break

"Hey, Daria?" Jane asked as they got ready for dodge ball. "Yeah?" "Where's Miss Morris? Why is Mr. Van Driessen teaching Phys-Ed?" "Morris must be sick or something. Besides, Mr. Van Driessen was a jack of all trades back in Highland. He taught about half the classes there, at least when I attended," Daria replied.

"All right. Now, is everyone ready?" Mr. Van Driessen called out. "Uh... where are we allowed to hit people at with the ball?" Kevin Thompson asked. "Anywhere but the face and crotch," Van Driessen replied. "Oh. Hey, he said crotch!" Kevin said before chuckling. "He-he-he," he went.

At hearing this, David Van Driessen's eyes widened and he stood stock still. The voices flashed through his mind and he began reliving some of his worst nightmares again. _Hu-hu-hu! He-he-he! I am the Great Cornholio! Hu-hu-hu!_

"Mr. Van Driessen? Are you all right?" Daria asked him. _I need Tee-Pee for my bunghole!_ "Mr. Van Driessen?" Michael "Mack" McKenzie asked him. _Eeeh... cave men were, like, stupid and stuff_. "Mr. Van Driessen?" Brittany Thompson asked with concern. _We're, like, eating in front of you. Yeah! It rocks!_ "No." _Uh... does this mean we get to score?_

"Mr. Van Driessen!" Daria called out as she slapped him. "Huh? What? What happened?" he asked as he looked around. "You were, like, spacing out, man!" Kevin said. "Oh. Um... I-I just... remembered something. Now, what were we doing again?" David Van Driessen asked.

Line Break

"Okay, we keep this quiet until we know exactly what's going on," Commander DeMartino said firmly. He was on the bridge, along with Dr. Quinn, Captain Murphy (still in his hazmat suit), Lt. Commander Marquez, Commander Sparks, Lieutenant Barksdale, Lieutenant Sherman, and Lt. Commander Dupree. "Well, we do know that Commander Li was apparently murdered, and that Miss Samantha Morris is a suspect," Marco said.

"Yes, but it feels like a setup," DeMartino said. "What do you mean?" Debbie asked him. "Her there weren't any fingerprints on Commander Li, and Miss Morris, currently undergoing a drug test, may not have been awake at the time of Commander Li's death. Now, granted, I've never exactly been FOND of Commander Li, and I've occasionally hoped that shark would eat her, but I think that something very wrong is going on here, and that there's more to this than meets the eye."

"Um... where's Stormy?" Amy asked. "Huh? Oh, he's giving Dethklok a tour of the station. He and Hesh are the only people we've allowed to have names on liability wavers for the band," DeMartino said. "Wait, you didn't put Dolphin Boy's name on a waiver? Why not?" Debbie asked him. "Well, it didn't occur to me at the time. Besides, I don't know if that's even his real name anyway," DeMartino replied.

"Fair enough. We can trick the little freak into signing his name on a waver later," Amy said as she folded her arms across her chest. "Yeah," everyone else said in agreement. "Wait... did you say that you left _Stormy_ alone with the band?" Amy asked. "Not me, but actually, Captain Murphy," DeMartino said.

" _Well, I thought it was funny when they beat him up._ _ **And**_ _if they're carrying a disease, Stormy will die first, thus alerting us to the presence of the great plague brought about by the surface dwellers!_ " Murphy said. "Captain... have you ever thought about taking medication?" Amy asked him. " _For what?_ " he asked her in response.

Line Break

"And this is another hallway. People walk through it too," Stormy said as he led Dethklok through Pod 25. "Just take us to that restaurant we went to last nights," Skwisgaar said as he felt himself growing more annoyed at Stormy with each passing minute. "Which restaurant?" Stormy asked. "Right, you weren't with us. So, um, how about you just give us a map, and... we'll be on our way," Pickles suggested.

"Uh... I don't think I have a map. Well, I have that treasure map that Sparks gave me, but he said to never give it to anyone or else I would be eaten alive by various rodents," Stormy said thoughtfully. "Um, yeah... I wouldn't mind seeing that happen," Pickles said as they turned a corner. "Hey, it's Hesh! Hey, Hesh, what are you doing so far from the reactor room?" Stormy asked him.

"I'm running an errand," Hesh replied as he walked past the group. He suddenly halted and backpedaled. "Wait a minute! Hesh recognizes you guys! You're Dethklok!" Hesh shouted excitedly. "Can Hesh have an autograph? Hesh wants an autograph!" Hesh demanded.

"Leave us alone, and maybe we'll mail you a picture of our boots stepping on your face," Nathan said. "Brutal," Toki whispered. "Awesome! Can you step on my face now?" Hesh asked them. "Eh, we've had stranger requests from fans before. Why not?" Pickles said with a shrug. "Cool! Can I take pictures?" Stormy asked.

"Uh, sure, go ahead," Nathan said as he punched Hesh and pushed him to the floor. "All right! I'm getting beaten up by Dethklok!" Hesh shouted with glee. "Yeah, take this!" Pickles shouted. "Yeahs, and this toos!" Toki said as he stomped on Hesh's face. "Quit smilin!" Murderface grunted as he knelt down and punched Hesh in the gut.

Line Break

Later that night...

Daria, Jane, and Tom were sitting at a booth in Grizzlebee's. "So... this weekend, I hear that there's going to be a special concert," Tom said. Daria sipped her chocolate milkshake before nodding her head. Jane took a bit out of her double-bacon cheeseburger. "Yeah, I know," Daria said. "Oh, you do? Well, I was hoping that you would be willing to join Jane and I, if you aren't too busy this Saturday," Tom said. "I don't think I'll be busy, but given that I know who's performing, I'm not sure if I want to go," Daria said.

"Huh?" Jane said after swallowing her food. "Well, the band-" " **All right! It's time for music night to begin!** " came a loud announcer's voice. The curtains were pulled back from the stage in the back to reveal Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nicholas Campbell, and Max Tyler. Behind them, standing in the waiting area for the other bands, were some familiar faces.

Trent walked up to the microphone. "Hey. We're Mystic Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name," he said. Backstage, Dethklok looked on in silence. "You always say that!" someone in the restaurant called out. "Yeah, you suck!" another patron shouted. "All right. Here's our first song in the set. It's called Ice Box Woman," Trent said.

"Why does he keep playing that song?" Jane asked herself. "Does he not understand that the boos are a sign of _dislike_ instead of _like_ or something?" Jane asked herself. "Who knows?" Tom asked as Mystic Spiral played Ice Box Woman. When the song was finished, someone threw a piece of stale bread at Trent, who simply picked it up from the stage floor and started eating it before putting it in his back pocket for later as the band prepared for their next song.

After their set was totally finished, Trent had several pieces of food stuck to his clothes, while Jesse had a mix of several drinks splashed all over him. As the curtain closed, Trent looked at the newcomers behind them. "So... you guys are gonna play next?" Trent asked them.

Nathan Explosion smirked. "Yeah. We're gonna play music," he said. "Cool. Maybe we'll stick around and listen for a few songs," Trent said. Everyone in Dethklok began to grin and chuckle.

A little bit later...

When the curtain rose, Mystic Spiral was gone, and a different band was in their place. "Oh no," Daria muttered. "What?" Tom asked her. "Dethklok," she said. "Dethklok? Those guys?" he asked. "Yeah. They're not wearing their makeup, but that's them."

Nathan Explosion looked around the restaurant. "Do you people like... music?" he asked into the microphone. "We're the Clock of Pain, and our first song is... Thunder Horse," Nathan said as the band began to play. Unlike Mystic Spiral, Dethklok actually knew what proper bass lines sounded like.

" _ **Thunderhorse... Thunderhorse... Thunderhorse!**_ "

The people in the restaurant began to cheer at the sound of people who actually knew what they were doing. When Thunderhorse was done, Dethklok proceeded to play Bloodtrocution, followed by Murmaider, and then the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle.

"You know... those guys are pretty damn good," Jane said as the curtains closed. "I hate to say it, but... yeah, they fucking rock," Jane added. Daria had to agree with Jane. Dethklok... rocked.

* * *

Ending Theme: Flight Of Icarus, by Iron Maiden.

* * *

* See Episode 010: Lord Of The Deep.


	3. Murder, They Sang - Part 02

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 017 [2-03]: Murder, They Sang Part Two

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Metalocalypse is property of Brendon Small and Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme [Heavy Metal Variation]:

 _ **Excuse Me, Excuse Me…**_

 _ **I guess I'll have to be direct!**_

 _ **If you're gonna' stand!**_

 _ **On my neck!**_

 _ **[Chant of neck]**_

 _ **Then you'd better check!**_

 _ **[Chant of check]**_

 _ **Under the sea!**_

 _ **[Chant of sea]**_

 _ **Cause that is where you'll find me!**_

 _ **[Bitchin' guitar solo begins]**_

 _ **[Bitchin' guitar solo plays]**_

 _ **[Bitchin' guitar solo ends]**_

 _ **Underneath the Sealab!**_

 _ **Underneath the water!**_

 _ **Sealab, Sealab!**_

 _ **Sealab, Sealab!**_

 _ **Sealab, Sealab!**_

 _ **Sealaaab!**_

 _ **At the bottom of the Seeeaaa!**_

* * *

Date: Thursday, November 19th, 2021

"So, I thinks that wents pretty well," Toki said after the curtains closed in front of the band. "Yeah... that was actually kind of fun," Nathan said. "Did anyones gets any ideas for new songs from this?" Skwisgaar asked. "Uh... actually, no. I didn't," Nathan said.

"Yeah, neither did I," Pickles admitted. "Trues, but mans did those other guys sucks!" Toki exclaimed after checking to make sure that Mystic Spiral was nowhere to be seen backstage. "I know," Nathan said as he started packing up his gear. The band had used their backup pit-stop gear for the performance instead of their regular concert gear.

"You put it on a shelf? What kind of lyrics are those? And there's, like, only one or two verses... and they're pretty damn short," Pickles said. "I swears, if I ever hears Ice Box Womans again, I will kill somebodys," Skwisgaar said. "You know, I think I know what songs we should play on Saturday," Nathan said.

"Yeah?" Murderface asked him. "Thunderhorse, Bloodtrocuted, Hatredcopter, Go Forth and Die, Better Metal Snake, Face Fisted, and, uh... Murmaider. "We played almost half of those tonight," Pickles said. "Yeah, but they still rock," Nathan said. "Hmm, that's true," Toki said. Wait, what about that song you sang when we releasd those kitties on that island?" Pickles asked him.

"What? I didn't sing anything when they were released," Nathan said. "Sure, you sang 'Release the Kitties!'" Pickles said. "Dude, I was giving orders to the guys opening the box," Nathan said. "Oh," Pickles said in embarrassment. "Hey, do you thinks our son is doings okay on that island?" Toki asked. "Eh, I'm sure he's doing fine," Pickles said.

"Hey, why don'ts we plays that Awaken song again?" Toki asked. "Uh... maybe not," Nathan said. "Oh come ons! We're underwaters! The sound won't be heard anywhere but inside of Sealab," Toki argued. "Yeah, but... the first time we played it, that troll thing woke up. The next time we played it... I think something happened in Japan with a volcano. I'm not sure about the details," Nathan said. "I think the Japanese volcano was just a coincidence," Pickles said.

Line Break

" _Go forth, be conquered... Go forth and die!_ " Nathan Explosion's voice played out over Stacey Rowe's music player. "This song is so... true. It's actually kind of depressing, now that I think about it," Stacey said to herself as she listened to the music.

" _Strangled by the IVY... Drown in student loans... Better off just dying._ " Stacey began doing an air guitar while the music played, not noticing Quinn entering her room. "Hi, Stacey!" Quinn called over the music. "Stacey!" Quinn called. She put her hand on Stacey's right shoulder. "Huh?" Stacey asked.

Quinn turned the volume down on the music player. "So, ready to go see Dethklok on Saturday?" Quinn asked her. "Hell yeah!" Stacey exclaimed.

Date: Friday, November 20th, 2021

Daria entered the bridge and sat down at her station. Jane was right behind her. "Afternoon, Daria," Sparks said. "Afternoon, Sparks," Daria replied. "So, I heard that you gave Dethklok the grand tour on Wednesday," Sparks said. "You heard? Must be difficult to hear when your constantly listening to communication channels," Daria snarked.

"Amy told me last night, just before... never mind," Sparks said. "Yeah, I know that you two are... seeing each other, but I really don't need any details," Daria said. "Daria... have you noticed anyone acting strangely around Sealab lately?" Sparks asked her.

"Why?" Daria asked him. "Anyone close to Commander Li? Anyone who could have gotten access to her housing unit?" Sparks asked. "Sparks, what did you steal from Commander Li?" Daria asked him. "Nothing. Someone murdered her and framed Ms. Morris yesterday," Sparaks replied nonchalantly.

Jane nearly dropped her art supplies. "Wait... someone _murdered_ Commander Li?" she asked. "Yup. Strangled her and then plopped Samantha Morris on her bed as a decoy," Sparks said. "Well, who's looking into the case?" Daria asked. "Commander DeMartino is in charge of the investigation," Sparks replied.

"You know, there are plenty of people on Sealab who want Commander Li dead... it could be anyone," Jane said. "Not really. Only someone who was close enough to figure out Commander Li's access code for her housing unit, or had authorization to enter it based on rank," Sparks said.

"That would include you, Commander DeMartino, Captain Murphy, Captain Shanks, Commander Oats, and the late Commander Li herself," Daria said. "And Samantha Morris. She was _really close_ to Commander Li, if you know what I mean," Sparks said. "And here I thought that Barch and O'Neill were the only ones," Jane said.

"Wait, why didn't Aunt Amy tell me last night after I came home?" Daria asked. "I don't know. Maybe she didn't want to worry you. Ask her," Sparks said.

"Sparks, how's the communication traffic today?" Daria asked him. "Almost non-existent," he replied. "Okay then. Jane, we're going to solve a mystery," Daria said as she stood up. "I'll tell them that you ate something that didn't agree with you and then had to use one of the large bathrooms down the hall," Sparks said.

"Thanks," Daria said before she and Jane left the bridge. "She can handle it," he said to himself as he returned to a rousing game of Chess against his computer. "You cheating whore!" he growled under his breath as the computer check-mated him yet again for the tenth game in a row.

Daria and Jane grabbed a transport cart and made their way to Commander DeMartino's office. "Daria, when did you get a license for the carts?" Jane asked her. "Two weeks ago," Daria replied. "Oh right! That was what we were celebrating that night, wasn't it?" Jane asked her. "You forgot?" Daria asked her as they slowly turned a corner.

"Well, most of what I remember involves you and Tom taking turns eating my-" "Look, we're almost there," Daria said as she saw a handful of people in the corridor. She slowed down the cart and then parallel parked it next to one side of the wall. Jane followed Daria as they got out of the cart and approached the doors to DeMartino's office.

Daria entered an access code and scanned her ID badge before the door opened for her and they entered the waiting area. " _Can I help you, Lieutenant Morgendorffer?_ " Commander DeMartino's voice asked from a speaker. "May we enter your office?" Daria asked him. " _You may do so,_ " his voice said. The door slid open and Daria and Jane walked into Commander DeMartino's office.

"Commander, we'd like permission to join the investigation," Daria requested. "The investigation?" he asked her. "Of Commander Angela Li's murder," Daria clarified for him. "Who informed you?" DeMartino asked her. "Sparks," Daria replied. "Figures. Is there any way to convince you to pursue other interests at this time?" DeMartino asked her. "Well, asking for money won't work, since you aren't either of my parents," Daria said. "That is true," DeMartino said in agreement.

"So, what have you found so far?" Daria asked him. "Wait, I haven't agreed to let you in on the investigation," DeMartino countered. "You can either let me in or I'll investigate on my own. Which would you rather see?" Daria replied. "Fine," DeMartino said as he began sharing information with her.

Line Break

Stacey Rowe's eyes were bugging out in adoration as she listened with rapt attention to Toki Wartooth telling her about Fat Kid. "He was, likes, our little neutered angel after that," Toki said. "Yeah," added Nathan, "Then we sent him to live on that island with the kitties." "Yeah... they ripped him to shreds," Pickles said quietly with a smile.

Quinn and Stacey had been heading towards Tiffany Blum-Deckler's housing unit for a fashion club meeting when they encountered Dethklok in the halls of Pod 18. "Hey, remember that time when Murderface started trying out those different religions after his near-death experience?" Pickles mentioned.

"Oh yeah," Nathan said. "Hey, Skwisgaar, how much have you re-thought your life lately?" Nathan asked with a smirk. "Shut ups," Skwisgaar said. "So... what are you guys doing wandering the halls right now?" Quinn finally asked them. "Oh, just looking around, exploring. Getting some ideas for future songs and stuff," Nathan replied. She hadn't been able to ask them earlier, because as soon as Stacey recgonized Toki, she turned into a squealing fangirl, and Quinn was forced to spend all of her efforts on keeping Stacey properly restrained.

"C-C-C-Can I have your autograph?" Stacey asked Toki. "Sures! You gots somethings to writes with?" he replied. Stacey took off her backpack and pulled out her notebook, before handing Toki a pen. He signed his name on a blank sheet. "Hey, guys, do yous wants to give autograph to this girl too?" Toki asked the rest of Dethklok.

"Eh, why not?" Pickles said as he took the pen and wrote his name down. Nathan was next, followed by Murderface and finally Skwisgaar. "There you goes," Skwisgaar said as he handed the pen and notebook back to Stacey. "Whens was the last times we didn't gets molested while signings something?" Skiwsgaar asked himself.

Line Break

"So, we know that it isn't Commander DeMartino, or Lieutenant Sherman," Daria said as she looked over the list of suspects and the alibis they'd given. "We _know_ that Captain Murphy wasn't responsible, nor was Captain Shanks. And Commander Oats was with Marco that night at Pizza-Marine. That would leave... Commander Sparks," Daria said. "You don't that he... you know, did it, do you?" Jane asked her. "He _was_ the one who told us about the murder. It would have been the perfect way of deflecting attention away from himself," Daria said out loud.

"Li was killed Wednesday night, so we have to find out what Sparks was doing on Wednesday night," Jane said she and Daria made their way to the bridge. "We don't know for certain that he was responsible, though," Jane added. "As Sherlock Holmes once said in The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet, when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however impossible, must be the truth," Daria said.

The two girls eventually reached the bridge and entered. "Sparks," Daria said as they moved closer to him. "Yeah?" he asked her while keeping his eyes on his computer screen, playing a game of Solitaire.

"Um... where exactly were you on Wednesday night?" Daria asked him. "I thought you didn't want to hear about what Amy and I do together," he said. "You were... with Aunt Amy that night?" Daria asked him. "Yeah. You can ask her yourself when you find her. Why do you... _oh_ , right, that's the night that Commander Li was murdered," Sparks replied.

"So... your alibi is that you were... spending time with Amy Barksdale," Daria said. "If by spending time you mean having sex, then yes," Sparks replied with a smirk. "Thanks. We'll, go find Amy and ask her for confirmation," Daria said as she and Jane left the bridge. Sparks turned back to his game of Solitaire.

"So... do you think he was lying?" Jane asked Daria. "No. He wasn't lying. He and Aunt Amy have been seeing each other for two or three months now. They're adults, and that's what adults tend to do when they... date," Daria said. "They're dating?" Jane asked. "Well, it's more of a friends with benefits kind of thing, according to Aunt Amy. Sparks hasn't said anything to challenge that statement, so I guess that's how it is," Daria replied.

"Hold on... why do I get the feeling that we've already talked about Amy seeing Sparks before?*" Daria asked. "I don't know. But there _is_ a strange feeling of familiarity about this discussion," Jane said. "Anyway, let's go find Aunt Amy," Daria said.

Line Break

"Yes, Daria, I was having sex with Jodene that night," Amy said with a sigh. "Thank you for confirming this," Daria replied. "Why did you want to know?" Amy asked her. "So that we can rule him out on the list of suspects in Commander Li's murder," Daria replied.

"Daria, you really shouldn't get involved in this," Amy said. "Too late, and Commander DeMartino already gave me permission," Daria replied. "Dammit," Amy muttered.

"So... who else is there?" Jane asked as they ruled out both Commander Sparks and Amy Barksdale. "It would still have to be someone close to Commander Li. Or maybe... someone close to Ms. Morris. Since the investigation revealed that Morris and Li were seeing each other, Morris would have been given access to Li's housing unit, and that means that someone close to _her_ could have gotten access," Daria said.

"But who could that be?" Jane asked. "We'll have to talk to the teachers at New Lawndale High. Come on, Jane," Daria said. "Wait, I'm coming with you," Amy said as she followed her niece and Jane.

Line Break

"Nope," Janet Barch said. "I don't talk with Samantha very much. Not after she tried to stab me in the back by threatening to expose me and Skinny here when she herself was involved with Angela," she continued. "So, you haven't been close enough to her to be invited over to her domicile, I take it?" Daria asked her. "I believe I just said that," Barch replied.

"And you were with Timothy O'Neill that night, correct?" Daria asked. "What did you-" "It's not that much of a secret," Jane interrupted her.

Line Break

"No. Samantha isn't my type," Timothy O'Neill said. "I mean, yes she is physically attractive, but... well..." "We know that you and Miss Barch are seeing each other," Daria said. "Oh! I guess we haven't done a good job of keeping that a secret, have we?" he asked in response. "Well... most people are too oblivious to notice, but the signs are there," Daria replied.

"So, anyway, you were never invited to her quarters and never did anything with her?" Daria asked him. "That's correct. She and Janet had a bit of a spat some time ago, and I've tried to avoid being around her so that she won't try to do anything to me in an attempt to hurt Janet, as a precaution," O'Neill said. "Samantha Morris, well, can be very vindictive, much like Commander Li," O'Neill explained.

Line Break

"Why are you interviewing me?" Commander Anthony DeMartino asked. "We're being thorough," Daria replied. "You already have my statement in the document packet I gave you, along with the interrogation of Samantha Morris as well," he said. "Oh yeah," Jane said. "Now get out of my office. Mister Offdensen has requested a meeting with me in an hour, and I haven't eaten anything since lunch," DeMartino said.

"And you, Lieutenant Barksdale, I need you to take a maintenance to the stadium again. Someone found some loose screws near one of the stage lights. I don't want any accidents occurring tomorrow."

Line Break

"Oh, I was with Claire Defoe that night, talking to her about an art project she has planned for her class next week," David Van Driessen said. "Hmm, since now's as good a time as any, what happened on Thursday?" Daria asked him. "Oh that? Well, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had flashbacks to my time in Highland when I heard Kevin Thompson's chuckling and his comments. It reminded me so much of Beavis and Butthead," he admitted sadly.

"Their laughter sometimes haunts me in my sleep," he said. "Sometimes, when I'm around Dolphin Boy, I have flashbacks than can last up to ten minutes, thanks to his incessant chirping sounding so much like Beavis's laughter," Van Driessen said with a frown. Daria frowned as well. David Van Driessen was one of the few adults who she would ever admit to looking up to, and to see him like this was... depressing.

Line Break

"I was with David that night. We were talking about a special art project I have planned next week. Jane, I think you'll really enjoy it," Claire Defoe said. "Um... sure," Jane replied. "So, what else were you doing with Mr. Van Driessen that night?" Daria asked her. "Him. I mean, we had a very _eventful_ night together," Defoe said with a blush.

"And, what about your relationship with Miss Morris? Has she ever invited you to her quarters?" Daria asked her. "Once or twice. The first time I actually went along, not realizing that Angela Li was there as well. I thought that they were going to inform me that my class was going to have budget issues again, but instead they... wanted to discuss something else," Defoe said.

"They propositioned you?" Daria asked. "Well... yes. I don't swing that way, although I do admit that Samantha is attractive, but I just don't see her in a romantic light," Defoe replied. "I turned down the second offer a few weeks ago," Defoe said. "And I've never been close to Angela."

Line Break

"Oh, I've spent a few nights at Li's quarters or Samantha's quarters while going over budget plans," Diane Bennett said. "There have been a few times when she's actually had me meet her in her office in the security area, which I've always found strange." "I see, and on Wednesday night?" Daria asked her. "I was busy going over budget costs for tomorrow's concert," she replied.

Line Break

"No, I've never really been close to either of them," Calvin Deckard said. "Both of them just kind of rubbed me the wrong way, in terms of personality. Miss Li always had this paranoid tyrant personality that just creeped me out, and Samantha... I don't know. She always struck me as someone who doesn't care for what's right as long as she gets what she wants."

"Thank you, Mr. Deckard," Daria said. "And that night?" "I was busy going over papers and grading homework. I remember passing by Miss Bennett on my way to my quarters, though. I said hello to her, but she didn't respond."

Line Break

"Eh, I've tried makin' friends with Sam, but she always blew me off," Coach Gibson said with a sigh. "I see, and you were never very close to Commander Li?" Daria asked. "Not really. I did my job, did whatever she told or asked me to do, and that was that," he replied nonchalantly.

Line Break

"I've considered Commander Li to be an academic equal, sometimes, although her paranoid security measures _have_ always given me a slight sense of unease. Every now and then I find myself checking the bathrooms for hidden cameras," Alfred Phelps said. "And you've never been close to Samantha Morris either?" Daria asked him carefully. "No. I will admit that from a purely objective viewpoint, her body is attractive, but she isn't my type," he replied.

"No?" "No. I can admit to the beauty of the female form, but my tastes are... elsewhere," he said. "You like other dudes," Jane said plainly. "...Yes." Phelps said. "Hmm, this means I win that bet with Andrea," Jane said.

"So, even though you've made it clear that you've never been close to either of them in that way, where were you on Wednesday night?" Daria asked him. "I was grading papers. I have to say, Miss Morgendorffer-" "Lieutenant Morgendorffer," Daria corrected him. " _Lieutenant_ Morgendorffer, that your sister is showing a marked improvement in the time since the move from Lawndale," Phelps said.

"I'll be sure to pass that on to her tonight," Daria said. "Please do, and be sure to tell her that the Advanced Math Club is always looking for new members," Phelps said. "I'll try to remember," Daria said as she and Jane left Alfred Phelps' housing unit.

Line Break

"Never spent much time with either of them outside of work hours," Thomas Hanson said. "And that night?" "I was grading papers and homework. I think I fell asleep at my desk, though. At my housing unit, of course. I keep a work desk there."

Line Break

"I've always tried to stay as far away from Commander Li as possible," Megan Fitzgerald said. "And on Wednesday night?" "I was grading papers and mast-I mean, relieving some stress."

Line Break

"None of these leads go anywhere," Daria said. "Wait... Miss Bennett said that she'd been at both of their quarters before _and_ that she'd been in both of Commander Li's offices. She's the most likely culprit," Jane said. "You're right," Daria said.

"We need to find Commander DeMartino right away," Daria said as she and Jane made their way over to a set of transport carts. "Let's go," Daria said as they sped off towards Pod 08.

Line Break

"See, these guitars are mades from the metals of the sunken wreckage of the Titanic," Skwisgaar said. "Coooool," Stacey said in awe as Skwisgaar showed off his guitar collection. "Hey, I gots a rebuilt grandpa's guitar from that time we wokes up that troll," Toki said. "Did you bring it with you?" Pickles asked him. "No," Toki said sadly. "I lefts it at home," he added.

"I have this guitar made from wood found in a Siberian forest. I once swung it this car that some douchebag had parked between a regular parking space and a handi-capped space, and it totally wrecked up the car!" Nathan bragged. "Cool! Can I see it?" Stacey asked him. "I, uh... I left it at Mordhaus, didn't I?" he said.

"Aw, don't feel bad, Nathan," Toki said. "I lefts my specials guitars at home too," he added in an attempt to cheer up Nathan. "I only brought my regular guitar and two spares as backup," Murderface said. "I wanted to leave room in the Death-X for souvenirs," he said.

"Did you bring any cool guitars, Pickles?" Stacey asked him. "I'm the drummer. I only play guitar as backup in case Toki forgets his insulin before a show that doesn't need drums for some reason. I mean, yeah, I brought one just in case, but it's just a standard guitar. Cause, I mean, you know, it's a backup guitar that I probably won't even use," he said with a shrug.

"So, what songs are you guys gonna play at the concert tomorrow?" Stacey asked them giddily. "Well," Nathan began, "I'm pretty sure we're gonna play Thunderhorse. People like that one. We'll also play Go Forth and Die, uh, Bloodtrocuted, Murmaider, Hatredcopter, Face Fisted, and Better Metal Snake. We're also thinking about _maybe_ playing Awaken, but given our history with that song, we might leave it out."

There was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," Quinn said. She opened the door and saw Elsie Sloane standing in the doorway, along with a goth girl she'd seen at school. "Elsie, um..." "Andrea," Andrea LaGotha replied. "Right. You're in my sister's grade, aren't you?" Quinn asked her.

"Pretty sure," Andrea replied. She looked over and saw Stacey standing next to Dethklok and her eyes widened. "Wait... one of the Fashion geeks is a fan of Dethklok?" Andrea asked out loud. "Oh great, more fans trying to get pre-show autographs," Pickles said.

"Well, you aren't wrong about that," Andrea said with a smirk. "So, who's the other one, and what _is_ that thing on her face?" Pickles asked. "Yeah, whats is that?" Toki asked curiously. " _ **It is my voice modulator,**_ " Elsie replied.

"What do you needs it for?" Toki asked her. " _ **My voice is dangerous to the ears of mere mortals, and only a small number can listen without succumbing to the insanity unleashed by it,**_ " Elsie said. "Um, what?" Murderface asked. " _ **My voice is a dangerous weapon, capable of making grown men collapse on their knees as the blood spills from their eyes and their voices cry for a salvation that will never come,**_ " Elsie explained.

"Whoa! Those words were brutal. Those would make great lyrics for a song," Nathan said in awe. "What did you say your name was?" Nathan asked her. " _ **Elsie Sloane,**_ " she replied. "Can we hears your real voice?" Skwisgaar asked her. " _ **No. Mere mortals such as yourselves would not be able to handle it,**_ " Elsie replied.

"Ha! Please, I am no mere mortal," Skwisgaar said. "I am a rock star!" " _ **You are not making my point any less valid,**_ " Elsie commented.

Line Break

"Are you sure?" Commander DeMartino asked Daria. "She's the only one who could possibly have access to Commander Li and Miss Morris's quarters and not raise suspicion from either of them with her presence," Daria explained. "What about security footage of the hallway? How did she not get caught earlier?" Offdensen asked. Daria and Jane had interrupted his meeting with DeMartino.

"Whoever was watching the cameras must have been in on it. But who was in charge of the cameras for that section of the pod that night?" Daria asked. "Wait, Tommy Sherman was on duty that night. He might know something," DeMartino said. "I thought Sherman was with you when you found the body of Commander Li," Daria noted.

"He was, but since he always followed Commander Li's orders, and Miss Bennett was close to her, he may have willingly given her the access code if she were to have asked him, since he also had an access code for her quarters," DeMartino said. "So we have to find Sherman and ask him for confirmation," Daria said.

Line Break

"Um... ouch," Jane said as she looked at Tommy Sherman's corpse. "Do you think she killed him because he discovered the truth? I mean, he was never the brightest bulb in the socket, but wasn't a complete idiot either," Jane asked. "It's possible that she wanted to make sure that he couldn't talk. Dead men tell no tales," Daria said.

"But... why? Why would she kill Commander Li and Lieutenant Sherman?" Commander DeMartino asked rhetorically. "Wait... Bennett is in charge of the budget for both New Lawndale _and_ Sealab, correct?" Daria asked. "Yeah, she is!" DeMartino said.

"What if Commander Li's deal with Dethklok made her suffer a breakdown because of the cost? Or what if she found out that we were being paid in pennies for hosting the concert?" Jane asked. "Pennies?" Offdensen asked her. "Yeah, she _hates_ pennies for some reason," Jane replied.

"We have to find her. Quickly," DeMartino said firmly. "I need to get to the band. Keep them safe!" Offdensen said as he ran off.

Line Break

" _Eliminate them, before the rest of Sealab's crew can catch you!_ " General Grozer said to Diane Bennett over a special communications device. "Affirmative," Bennett replied emotionlessly. " _Once you succeed, make your way to a transportation vessel and hide. We'll pick you up at the designated rendezvous point tomorrow after you reach the surface and make your way back to the mainland. Good luck, Agent Shadow,_ " Grozer said.

Line Break

"Thanks you guys!" Stacey row called out as she, Quinn, Andrea, and Elsie left Dethklok's suite. As they made their way over to an elevator, they saw Diane Bennett slowly walking towards them. "Hey, Miss Bennett, what are you doing here?" Quinn asked her.

"Oh, I'm just... checking on the band to make sure that our money was well spent on their accommodations!" Bennett said. "Oh, okay," Quinn said. " _ **She is lying. I can sense it,**_ " Elsie said. "Why, what ever do you mean?" Bennett asked Elsie as she drew a gun from behind her back.

"Hey, you guys left this notebook behind!" Pickles said as he opened the door to the suite. Bennett took out her gun and opened fire. "Holy shit!" Pickles exclaimed as he closed the door. Bennett ran over and grabbed Elsie, putting the gun to her head.

"Come on out now and I'll let the girl live!" Bennett called. " _ **Do you truly wish to die so soon?**_ " Elsie asked her. "Shut up! I have my orders!" Bennett snapped at her. " _ **Very well. Quinn, Stacey, Andrea! Cover your ears or get into Dethklok's suite!**_ " Elsie yelled.

"Wait, why would we-" "Come on!" Quinn shouted as she grabbed Andrea and Stacey by their arms and opened the suite entrance, rushing inside. Bennett ran forward and leaped inside as well, rolling onto the floor with Elsie still in her grasp. Part of Elsie's voice modulator came loose. Quinn grabbed Andrea and Stacey and this time ran _out_ of the room, closing the door behind them.

" _ **Dethklok, if you truly wish to see brutality in its purest form, at least cover your ears,**_ " Elsie said, keeping her face pressed into the modulator as Bennett stood up and let her go. She aimed her gun at Toki first. "Good bye, Dethklok!" Bennett shouted as she placed a finger on the trigger.

Elsie had taken her modulator off by now, and tapped Bennett's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll deal with you eventually," Bennett said, before she noticed that Elsie's voice modulator wasn't on her face.

" **Foolish mortal! You have played with fire for far too long, and now your actions must bear their decrepit fruit! Behold, the torment of a thousand agonies, suffered by a thousand victims!** " Elsie shouted.

Bennett's eyes rolled back and blood began to leak from her nose and ears. "I-I don't... I... W-W-Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!?" Bennett screamed in agony as she fell over onto the floor. Elsie walked over and grabbed her modulator, carefully placing it back on her face. She looked over at Dethklok, who were all staring at her and Bennetts body.

"That... was fucking metal," Nathan said. "Brutal," Murderface said in awe. "The most metals things I have ever seen!" Toki whispered. "Dude, you just, like, killed her with your voice!" Pickles exclaimed. "Yo, thats was pretty brutal, what yous dids right there," Skwisgaar said as he pointed at Bennett's body.

" _ **So, it would seem that you are not mere mortals after all,**_ " Elsie said, before the door opened and Quinn ran inside. "Elsie, what-oh," Quinn said as she looked at Diane Bennett's body.

Date: Saturday, November 21st, 2021

"So, Elsie Sloane ended up putting Diane Bennett in a coma," Commander DeMartino said as he watched Dethklok getting set up on the stadium stage. "Yep. It seems that Miss Sloane's voice was not something that we were given any warning about by Commander Li," Offdensen said with a frown. "Miss Sloane attends New Fielding, and Commander Li did not serve in any capacity there. She only served as a part-time principal at New Lawndale," DeMartino said.

"Hmm, is there anything else we should know about Miss Sloane?" Offdensen asked warily. "Nothing that I am aware of," DeMartino said.

Line Break

Dethklok looked around at the stage full of people. "Hey, full house," Pickles said with a grin. "Yeah. Let's rock," Nathan said before he stepped up to the microphone. " **Are you people ready for the taste of metal?** " The crowd cheered. " **Our first song is... Hatredcopter!** "

Dethklok began playing, and the crowd sat in rapt attention as they listened.

Trent Lane and the rest of Mystic Spiral, sitting in a back row, began nodding their heads in tune with the beat of the song. "Hey... they're pretty good," Trent said.

Down in another row, Daria, Jane, Tom, and Elsie watched the band perform with smiles on their faces. "You were right, Jane. Dethklok... rocks," Daria admitted. Jane smirked.

An hour later, after performing at least two encores of Thunderhorse and Better Metal Snake, Nathan cleared his throat. " **And now, for a special song, that we debated playing today. After realizing that we might not come back here again for a very long time, we've decided... that we will finish this concert... with Awaken!** "

Dethklok began playing, and everyone watched. However, Elsie began shift oddly in her seat.

" **Mustakrakish!**

 **The time has come... (Mustakrakish)**

 **To awaken him (Mustakrakish)!** "

Elsie's eyes began to glow as she formed a smile on her face.

" **Mustakrakish!** "

Daria turned to look as Elsie's skin began to glow and become slightly translucent. "E-Elsie?" Daria asked with a nervous gulp. Jane and Tom looked over at her as well.

" **Mustakrakish!**

 **I call upon the ancient lords of the underworld to bring forth this beast, and...**

 **Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!** "

Elsie began to slowly lift into the air, and great beams of light shot out of her back, forming glowing white wings. Tom, Daria, and Jane looked on in confusion, amazement, awe, and terror.

" **Take the land that must be taken!**

 **Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!**

 **Devour worlds,**

 **Smite forsaken!** "

Elsie rose into the air and her wings spread, soon encompassing the entirety of the stadium width. Everyone began looking around, while Dethklok, oblivious to Elsie's transformation, continued the ancient oath to bring about the destruction and renewal of the world.

" **Rise up from your thousandth year of sleep,**

 **Break forth from your grave, eter-nally!** "

Elsie's eyes glowed red and she spread her arms.

" **I command you to rise!**

 **Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise!** "

"Elsie!" Tom shouted in fear.

Tom, Daria, and Jane watched as people all over the stadium began exploding into puddles of orange liquid as Elsie's form grew in size and she began to float through the metal of the pod and rose through the ocean depths.

" **I am the conjurer of demons,**

 **I am... the father... of your death!**

 **I.. bring forth... the ancient evil!**

 **I... control... it's every breath!** "

In the meeting room of the Tribunal, everyone watched as satellites picked up the imagery of the Giant Glowing Naked Elsie rising above the Earth, looking down on the life forms below.

"My god! What the hell is happening!?" General Grozer exclaimed in a panicked tone.

" **I instigate... your misfortune!**

 **With the birth... of killing trolls!** "

"Complementation!" Keel Lorenz exclaimed. "It begins!" he shouted. General Grozer took out a pistol and shot Keel in the head. Mr. Salacia merely narrowed his eyes.

" **I awaken Armageddon!**

 **Feeding on... a thousand souls!**

 **Awaken!**

 **Awaken... awaken... awaken... awaken... awaken!** "

Captain Murphy saw a giant cupcake in his doorway, and ran over to hug it before he burst into LCL.

" **Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!**

 **Take the land,**

 **That must be taken!** "

Multiple members of the Tribunal began exploding into orange liquid. All over the world, small crucifixes of light arose over the spot of every person who was freed from their barriers and merged with a greater consciousness.

 **Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken!**

 **Devour worlds,**

 **Smite, forsaken!**

 **Rise up from... your thousandth year of sleep!**

 **Break forth from your grave eter-nally!** "

Helen and Jake Morgendorffer watched as everyone in the office of Sebben and Sebben began bursting into puddles of orange goo, except for that perverted hippo.

" **Drink, we'll die,**

 **And land... will all... be burned!**

 **Mu-sta-kra-kish!**

 **King and gate to worlds!** "

Mr. Salacia frowned as he stared at the image of Elsie on the monitors. She had become humanity's eternal mother, as the great Lilith before her had been.

" **I command you to rise!**

 **Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise...**

 **And... AWAKEN!** "

Dethklok finished the song and looked around the stadium, seeing only Tom, Daria, and Jane still sitting, staring wide-eyed at them. Nathan scratched his head in confusion. "Mmmmmmmm... Okay. Where'd everybody go?"

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: Through The Fire And The Flames, by Dragon Force.

* * *

* See Episode 015 (2-01): The Fourth Hull.

Well, that was episode 017, and as you can see, Dethklok has brought about Third Impact. Was there ever any doubt? The song Awaken is property of Dethklok and Brenden Small and Williams Street Productions.


	4. Daria and the Feng Shui Gangsters

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 018 [2-04]: Miss Morgendorffer And The Feng Shui Gangsters

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Thursday, November 26th, 2021

Daria Morgendorffer was sitting down at her communications console at her station on the bridge. She looked over at Sparks. "Hey, Sparks?" Daria asked. "Yeah?" "You ever wonder why we're here?" Daria asked him.

"Yeah, why _are_ we here? It's one of life's greatest mysteries, you know? Is there a purpose for our existence? Is there really a god with a plan for us, or are we just a result of some cosmic coincidence? I tend to lean more on the agnostic or atheistic side, but sometimes it really keeps me up at night," Sparks replied as he looked over at Daria.

"Actually, I was referring to me and the other people who were transferred here from Lawndale and the rest of Carter County. I mean, the people in charge of this project could have chosen any location, right? So, what made Carter County, and Lawndale in particular, so damn special?" Daria clarified.

"Oh," Sparks said. "And, not that it's really any of my business, but what was that stuff about God and the Cosmos?" Daria asked him. "Uh, nothing," Sparks said. "You wanna talk about it?" Daria asked him. She'd already finished all of her homework, and the communications traffic was relatively low today. "Not really," Sparks replied.

"So... how are things with-" " _Attention, Sealab, this is transport sub 0136-WSP, requesting permission to dock,_ " said a voice as a monitor showed the face of a pilot. Just then, Captain Murphy walked onto the bridge. "Ah, that must be them," he said with a smile. "Them? We were expecting someone?" Daria asked him.

"Yep. I've noticed that Sealab has been kind of dull lately, so a week or so ago I decided to spruce up the place by hiring some interior decorators to come on down and check the place out," Murphy explained. "Was this before or after that concert?" Daria asked him. "It was before Commander Li arranged that concert with those... whoever they were," Murphy replied.

"Right. So, is Commander Li going to have a conniption over this?" Sparks asked. "Who cares?" Murphy replied. "Good point," Sparks said. " _Uh... we're still waiting for clearance to dock,_ " said the sub pilot. "Oh, right!" Murphy said. "Uh, let's see... oh, there's an airlock that's available. Uh, you may dock at airlock 12-08," Murphy said into the microphone.

" _Affirmative,_ " said the pilot. "Come on, Daria," Murphy said. "Huh?" she asked him. "I'm going to need your help. These guys are young and hip, so I need someone who can connect with them to make things easier for everyone," Murphy explained. Daria blinked in confusion.

Line Break

"Captain," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn said as he, Daria, Commander DeMartino, and Captain Murphy made their way to the airlock, "I really think that you should have told everyone ahead of time about this visit." "Well, I was going to but, uh, Commander Li was already making arrangements for that band to come on down," Murphy replied.

"Okay, but next time you do something like this, **please** leave a note or a memo or _something_ to let us know about it," Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah, sure. I'll do that," Murphy said dismissively. The trio finally arrived at the airlock. After waiting for their guests to enter, Daria noticed their appearance.

There were four guys, all dressed as though they were from some kind of rap music video, but with random Cantonese, Kanji, and Hiragana written on their outfits. "Yo, man," one of them said as he looked around, "I think this place could use some serious Feng Shui. I can feel an _aura_ of despair and suffering from the walls."

"Um... are you sure that these are interior decorators?" Daria asked Captain Murphy. "Sure! They're into that _Feng Shui_ stuff," Murphy replied. "If you wanted something like that, why didn't you ask Miss Defoe for help?" Commander DeMartino asked him. "Um... it didn't occur to me," Murphy said.

The Feng Shui Gangsters approached the group. "Hey, my name is Cubicle, and these are my partners; Plywood, Phillips, and W.D. We're here to help bring about inner peace for y'all, and we're gonna do it with style." "Huh?" DeMartino asked.

Line Break

The Feng Shui Gang looked around the interior of the bridge. "Yep," said Cubicle. "Yep," said Phillips. "Mmhm," mumbled W.D. "Yep," said Plywood. "I feel... boredom in here," Cubicle said as he raised his arms and hands out. "It's supposed to be boring; it's the bridge!" Sparks said as he turned around.

"You need to have a sense of inner peace and relaxation here. To feel yourself get lost within the ocean of your consciousness," Cubicle said. "What? What the hell does that even mean?" Sparks asked him incredulously. "You need to feel yourself to become one with yourself, or else you may lose yourself. Rearranging this room can help you do that," Cubicle explained.

Sparks raised an eyebrow. "What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..."

Line Break

The Feng Shui Gang looked around the hallways and class rooms of New Lawndale High. "I feel oppression with each step I take in this place," Cubicle said. "It's a high school. What do you expect?" Daria commented. "The sterility of the walls and floor. The monotonous look of the rooms... I can feel the cries of agony from the souls that reside here, screaming for an end to their torment!"

"Um... no. Once again, this is a high school," Daria said. "There is sense of despair with every square on the floor and every locker I pass. The sense that people's souls are being destroyed is overwhelming," Cubicle said. "How many times will I need to remind you that this is a high school?" Daria asked him in annoyance. Commander DeMartino simply nodded his head in agreement with her.

Line Break

"Hmm," Cubicle said as he looked around Grizzlebee's, taking in the aroma of the food and the lighting. "Actually, this place is all right. Let's move on."

Line Break

"This place has too much order. It's suffocating. There's nothing to let people breathe in a new direction," Cubicle said as he looked around the reactor room. "Um... we kind of need the reactor room to be a center of order. We need to have routine here," Upchuck said. "Yeah, what he said!" Hesh barked.

"But what if I told you that I can make this place more relaxing and less depressing?" Cubicle offered. "Um, again, we need-" "Hell yeah! Hesh wants to relax!" Hesh interrupted. "Dammit, Hesh," Upchuck muttered.

Line Break

"All right, now that we've toured the place, we can begin giving it a much needed make over," Cubicle said as an army of workers exited sub and entered Sealab. "Okay, let's Feng Shui this place till the inner peace and light from all of its inhabitants can finally break free!"

Friday, November 27th, 2021

Daria went over to get a drink from a fountain, only to notice that the water was green. "What the hell?" she asked. She went over to a communication console and called the bridge. "Hey, Sparks, what's going on with the water?" " _I don't know. I haven't been able to get in contact with anyone from engineering or sanitation,_ " Sparks replied.

"I'll go check it out myself. Have you heard anything from Aunt Amy?" Daria replied. " _Yeah, she said that she was helping Lieutenant Ruttheimer with something near the reactor room. Someone's trying to redecorate the place and is uprooting the computer systems. I sent Marco down to help her,_ " Sparks replied.

"Dammit. Okay, I'm gonna go check out sanitation and find out what's going on," Daria said. " _Good luck,_ " Sparks said.

Line Break

"Yeah, just put those leaves on top of that tube there, and empty out the other tube. Having all of these big tubes filled is just too uniform. It reeks of monotony," Cubicle said as several workers shut off another tube of water connected to the main filter system.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Daria asked angrily. "I am applying Feng Shui to this room in order to help people become at at peace with themselves," Cubicle replied. "If by at peace with themselves you mean dead from contaminated and unfiltered water, then yes, you're doing a damn good job of it," Daria replied.

"You just can't appreciate the art of Feng Shui," Cubicle said defensively. "Maybe not, but I _can_ appreciate being alive because the water supply hasn't been tampered with!" "I left two of the tubes alone. That should be fine," Cubicle said. "Two? There are sixteen tubes connecting the filter to the pipes of Sealab! You only left two of them intact!?" Daria asked him.

Line Break

"No! Don't touch that!" Amy yelled as Plywood yanked a lever out of its socket. "This here doesn't jive with the sense of tranquility that we need to instill in this place," he remarked. "You moron! That was a fail-safe lever!" Upchuck shouted before he punch Plywood in the face.

Amy and Marco joined him in beating up Plywood, before Marco also went over to beat up Hesh, who was lying in a hammock strung between a computer console and the outer shields of the reactor. After finishing with Plywood, Amy and Upchuck went over to help Marco beat up Hesh.

"This is for giving them access to the room in the first place!" Upchuck shouted as he punched Hesh in the gut. W.D. soon entered the room. Seeing Plywood on the floor, W.D. rushed over to push Marco away from him. Marco grabbed W.D. and grappled with him. While fighting with Marco, W.D. accidentally slammed into some controls for the reactor.

Line Break

All over Sealab, the warning klaxons of the reactor began to go off.

Line Break

"Uh... does anyone hear that noise?" Dr. Quinn asked with concern. "What noise?" Phillips asked him. "Eh, it's nothing important," Murphy said. "Oh my god, that's the reactor warning!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Huh?" "Did you guys try to mess with the reactor room!?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Of course. That place needs our touch the most," Phillips said.

Five minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.

* * *

I know that this one seems short, but I honestly couldn't think of a way to make it longer without completely ripping off the original _Murphy Murph And The Feng Shui Bunch_ episode. Not that that's a great excuse, considering how much I took from the original source for the Bizarro episode, but I kind of felt that this worked better as a short episode as opposed to a long one.


	5. Group Therapy

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

* * *

Episode 019 [2-05]: Group Therapy

* * *

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Saturday, December 2nd, 2021

Mr. O'Neill looked around the room at the various personnel who had been gathered inside of it. Sitting in a circle were Daria Morgendorffer, Commander Anthony DeMartino, Captain Murphy, Debbie Dupree, Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn, Hesh Hepplewhite, Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III, Janet Barch, Amy Barksdale, Jodene Sparks, Tommy Sherman, and Debbie Love. He was quite pleased that he'd actually managed to convince this many people to join his group therapy session.

"Okay," O'Neill said calmly, "Who would like to go first?" The room was silent. No one volunteered. "Hmm, well then, how about we choose someone to go first, and then we can all take turns from there?" O'Neill suggested. Everyone looked warily at each other.

"All right then. Daria, why don't you go first?" O'Neill asked her. Daria sighed. "Um, I don't really know what I should talk about," she said. "It can be anything at all. Anything that you want to get off your chest," O'Neill said.

"Okay. I guess... I haven't completely adjusted to not having my parents around. I mean, Aunt Amy does a good job, and we get along well, but I have to admit that, lately, I've found myself missing my parents more than I expected," Daria said. O'Neill nodded his head in understanding. "I see. Have you been able to speak with them at all lately?" O'Neill asked her.

"The other day I was able to have a video-conference with them using the communications system, and Quinn was there. We talked about how things are going here in Sealab and how things are back on land for them," Daria replied. "Ah. You know, Daria, even with the barrier of distance between you and your parents, it's very good that you still try to communicate with them, even if it is only once or twice a month," O'Neill said.

"Is there anything else that you'd like to share with us?" he asked her. "Um, not really. That's actually the only thing that's been bugging me lately," Daria replied. "I see. Well then, who would like to go next?" O'Neill asked. Upchuck slowly raised his hand. "Ah, Charles. What would you like to get out in the open?"

"Well... often times, when I'm in the reactor room or wherever else I'm needed, I sometimes feel alone, even when other people are with me. I mean, Hesh is... well, _Hesh_ , and when I try to talk to him about things, he sometimes monopolizes the conversation," Upchuck said. "I get along well with the other crew members, but sometimes, I wish that I were around more people within my peer or age group," he added.

"I see. That must make you feel very alone, being the only person your age in that environment," O'Neill said. "Yeah," Upchuck said. "Well, just remember, Upchuck, that being the youngest person wherever you are could be viewed as a reflection of your impressive skills at doing your job. A way of saying that you're doing something that very few others are able or willing to do!" O'Neill said.

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way," Upchuck said. "Is there anything else that you'd like to share with us?" O'Neill asked him. "No. That was the only thing I really needed to get off my chest," Upchuck replied. "Alright then. Okay, who's next?" O'Neill asked.

No one else seemed willing to volunteer again. "Okay, how about Dr. Quinn?" O'Neill said. "Huh? Oh, um, okay," Dr. Quinn responded. "So, Dr. Quinn, is there anything that you'd like to share with the group?" O'Neill asked him. "Uh... nothing that's really bothering me," he said. "Oh, there must be _something_ that you want to talk to someone else about," O'Neill implored.

"Well... okay. Being a cyborg, I sometimes feel, much like Lieutenant Ruttheimer, that I'm alone in Sealab. I'm also one of the smartest people here, and not having many other people around me who can match my intellect can make me feel frustrated at times," he said. "Hmm. Interesting," O'Neill said. "Well, I know that Lieutenant Morgendorffer here is very intelligent. Perhaps you should spend some time talking with her once in a while. Maybe you'll feel as though you have an intellectual equal if you do that," O'Neill suggested.

"Hmm, I suppose," Dr. Quinn said. "And also Commander DeMartino. he's very intelligent, and I'm sure that both of you could find yourselves becoming fast friends," O'Neill said. "Okay. I'll give that a shot," Dr. Quinn said, somewhat impressed by Mr. O'Neill's actually sound advice.

"Is there anything else that you'd like to discuss?" O'Neill asked him. "Not really," Dr. Quinn replied. "Okay. So, who would like to go next?" O'Neill asked. "Hesh would like to go next!" Hesh exclaimed. "Alright, Hesh. What would you like to talk about?"

"Hesh wants more respect! Hesh wants sex! Hesh wants everyone to like him!" Hesh exclaimed. "Maybe if you weren't so annoying, one of those might actually be possible," DeMartino muttered under his breath. "I have to work in the reactor room and in engineering all damn day, and my only company is a whiny teenager! There are no women! Hesh wants hot women with him! Hesh wants sex!"

"Hmm, I see..." O'Neill said, regretting his decision to have invited Hesh to the therapy session. "Hesh also wants more security locks in place so that Captain Murphy can't barge in an plug his ovens or golf carts into the power sockets in the reactor room!" he said. "Oh?" O'Neill asked, his interest actually piqued.

"That kind of thing is dangerous! Hesh wants more hazmat suits available in the reactor room! Hesh also wants a larger closet in there for private time!" he exclaimed. "Um, private time?" "Yeah, Hesh has needs! Hesh needs to-" "Okay, I understand," O'Neill said, interrupting him. "Um, since a lot of your concerns seem to be legitimate complaints that should actually be sent to higher-ranking officials, how about you write them down and give them to Commander DeMartino or Commander Li after this is over," O'Neill suggested.

"Hmm... okay. But will they let me have hot women in there with me?" Hesh asked. "I don't know. That's up to them," O'Neill replied. "Okay, who's next?" he asked. I suppose I should go next," Debbie Love said. "Ah, Miss Love. It's been a while since we've had the pleasure of speaking with you," O'Neill said.

"What would you like to talk about?" he asked her. "Well, I have to deal with the orphans a lot, and so few people want to help me. I've been feeling tired and unmotivated a lot recently," she said. "Oh. That sounds problematic," O'Neill said. "And... I have to deal with Dolphin Boy almost every day. He annoys me," Debbie Love said. "Yeah," many of the other people in the room said in agreement.

"That is very understandable," O'Neill said. "I mean, that little bastard eats food labeled with other people's names, and his uniform hurts my eyes! He's always hiding the remote for the TV in the main room, and I swear, sometimes I think he smells like barbecue sauce!" Debbie Love continued. "Um, actually, I can explain that one," Sparks said.

"You can?" Debbie Love asked him. "Yeah. See, sometimes, I use Dolphin Boy to test out steak and barbecue sauces to see which ones will attract marine predators to fastest," Sparks explained. "Oh! Okay, I guess that isn't so bad then," Debbie love said while nodding her head. Everyone, including O'Neill, nodded their heads in agreement.

"So, who would like to go next?" O'Neill asked. "Tommy Sherman will go go next," Tommy Sherman said. "Okay. What would you like to talk about?" O'Neill asked him. "Tommy Sherman used to be a star quarterback. But now... Tommy Sherman is merely the tool of an Orwellian-inspired wannabe dictator. Commander Li is a horrible person. Tommy Sherman rarely feels love or happiness anymore," Tommy Sherman said.

"I see. Well, have you tried looking for other ways to improve your life?" O'Neill asked Tommy Sherman. "No. It would not matter. Tommy Sherman is only a pawn in the game of life," Tommy Sherman said. "Oh dear," O'Neill said. "Well, how about we schedule some one-on-one therapy sessions for the future? Does that sound like a good idea?" O'Neill asked him. "Tommy Sherman will think about it," Tommy Sherman said.

"That's okay. So, who wants to go next?" O'Neill asked. "I guess I'll go next," Commander DeMartino said. "Alright, Anthony-er, Commander, what would you like to talk about with us?" O'Neill asked him. "Well... it's not as bad as it used to be, but when I _do_ teach history classes at New Lawndale High, I can feel the anger and rage building up. Every time that I deal with Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor, I can feel my will to live being sapped away!" he said.

"Oh my," O'Neill said. "I don't know how to get through to that boy! I asked him what decade the Roaring Twenties took place in, and he responded with the nineteen eighties! How the hell can anyone be **that stupid!?** And the sad part is, I **know** that he isn't being sarcastic or joking around," DeMartino said.

"And Miss Taylor isn't much better! I-I can't stand those two nitwits! And then there's the bullshit that Commander Li tries to do at the school, with her security measures and misuse of funds! I'm with Sherman on this one; Commander Li is possibly a dictator in the making!" DeMartino exclaimed.

"Oh dear," O'Neill said. "Well, you can always talk to Captain Murphy and Captain Shanks about this," O'Neill said. "Please. Shanks isn't much more competent that Murphy. Most of the time, It's me and Doctor Quinn keeping this place intact," he ruefully. "Hey, what about me and Marco?" Amy asked him. "Oh, right. You two also have functioning brains. I'd mention Sparks, but... I mean, he definitely has a brain in that head, but he's too busy trying to drive Murphy insane to actually be of any help," DeMartino said.

"Hey, I have a brain! Men, always thinking of women as brainless objects!" Janet Barch said. "Um... you always try to attack me with a wrench when I come near you, no matter how many times I remind you that I'm **not** your ex-husband," DeMartino explained.

"I see. It looks like you feel isolated because all of the people who can help you are spread out amongst a wide area where communication can be difficult, and one of the few who is in close proximity is... dealing with her own issues in a manner that makes proper communication difficult," O'Neill said.

"How about you and the people you are closest to make it a habit to meet up at a designated location every other week and plan things out. Discuss issues that you find across the station and come up with solutions for how to approach and solve those issues," O'Neill said. DeMartino stared at him. "That... that was actually a sensible suggestion. I must say, Tim, that I am rather shocked."

"Um, thank... you?" O'Neill said hesitantly. "So... who wants to go next?" O'Neill asked. Amy volunteered. "Alright, Amy, what would you like to discuss?" "Well, despite getting along well with Daria and Quinn, I can't help but feel that maybe I'm not doing all that I can for them, or that maybe we aren't as close as I'd like us to be. I mean, I understand that they have their boundaries, and I know that they have their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions," Amy said.

"I just... I don't want to push them, but I don't want to be neglectful or distant from them either," Amy said. "I see. So, what you're saying is, you want to give your nieces their space, but you don't want to seem inattentive or neglectful. You be part of their lives, but you don't want to push them or intrude upon them either," O'Neill said in a rare moment of professional clarity.

"Um... yeah. That's... that's actually pretty accurate," Amy said, stunned by O'Neill's insight. "Hmm. Well, what I would suggest is asking them if they would feel comfortable with some light bonding, either as a group or in one-on-one situations. But make sure that these are evenly numbered, to prevent the sisters from becoming jealous of each other," O'Neill said.

DeMartino leaned over to Daria. "Okay, where's Mr. O'Neill and who is this... _competent_ impostor?" he asked Daria with a whisper. "I have no idea," Daria replied, also in a whisper.

"Well, Daria and Quinn-" "Huh?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Different Quinn," Sparks said. "Oh," Dr. Quinn said. "-are both so different, and similar in certain ways. I actually get along very well with Daria and we understand each other, but with Quinn... sometimes I'm not sure how to approach her without making things awkward," Amy said.

"I see. Well, in that case, how about just asking her about her day whenever you two are together or sharing a meal? Nothing too invasive, just casual questions. If she invites you to ask more personal questions, then go for it, but don't be too forward. Learn what pace she's comfortable with and go from there," O'Neill said.

"Thanks. I'll... give that a try," Amy said. "You're welcome. Alright, who wants to go next?" he asked. Debbie Dupree raised her hand. "Yes? White Debbie. Why don't you share something with us?" O'Neill asked her.

"Well, the other day, I asked Quentin if he was up for experimenting, and I asked him if we could do anal, but he doesn't feel comfortable about it," White Debbie said. O'Neill and Barch both stared at her with wide eyes. "Um... how about you come speak with me and Janet-I mean Lieutenant Commander Barch, in a private session. Bring Dr. Quinn along, and all four of us can have a more... educational discussion about this. Now, is there anything else that you'd like to try-I mean ask?" O'Neill asked her.

"Um... not really," she said. "Oh. Okay. Anyone else have something? Captain Murphy, I haven't heard you say anything." "Oh. Uh, well... I thought that I was just supposed to listen to people as the therapist," he said. "Um... no. You aren't the therapist; I am," O'Neill said. "Oh. Oops," Murphy said. "Well, either way, is there still anything that you'd like to share with us?" O'Neill asked him.

"Well, I discovered some time ago that if I listen to rap music from the nineteen eighties, I grow facial hair. I also discovered that if I listen to rap music made _after_ the nineteen eighties, I go bald. No exceptions, not even that Will Smith song from Men In Black, and I **really like** that song!" "I see. Um... does this happen when you're awake, or just when you're asleep?" O'Neill asked him. "Both. I've had White Quinn help me test this ability several times," Murphy replied.

"Oh. Okay. Um... anything else you feel like sharing? I mean, that was very interesting, but that doesn't seem like a very big problem," O'Neill said. "Oh. Well, there is one thing that nags at me. See, I've been bugging Doctor Quinn to build me a robot body. And not just any robot body, but an Adrienne Barbeau robot body, with _D-Cups_ full of **justice!** " Murphy said. "And... he won't build one for me," Murphy said.

"Um... I... well... uh... I honestly don't know what to say to that," O'Neill admitted. "Well, would this robot body be able to eat cupcakes?" Daria asked Murphy. "Uh... I didn't ask," Murphy said. "Well, ask Dr. Quinn if that's possible, maybe he doesn't have the ability to make a robot body that can do that yet," Daria said. "My god, you're right! Dr. Quinn is just looking out for me!" Murphy exclaimed. He turned to look at Dr. Quinn. "Quentin, why didn't you tell me that that was the reason!?" Murphy asked him.

"Well..." _It isn't the reason, but I'll go with it for now._ "I... didn't know how to break it to you," he said. "Doctor, you're a true pal!" Murphy said with a smile. "Cool. Now, will you stop bugging me about it?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "Sure, as long as you promise to tell me when you _are_ able to build a robot body that can eat cupcakes," Murphy replied. "Sure. I'll do that," Dr. Quinn lied.

"Well, now that we've solved that problem, Sparks, would you like to go next?" O'Neill asked Jodene. "Uh... sure, why not?" Sparks replied. "Well... I guess the one thing on my chest is... ever since last week, I've been feeling this strange sensation in my chest whenever Amy is around, and I don't know what it is. I've been meaning to ask Dr. Virjay, but he just keeps giving me medication for heartburn. It hasn't done anything for me, though. Maybe I need to up the dosage or have him give me something different," Sparks said.

Daria and Amy both widened their eyes. Amy was blushing, and her heart was pounding, while Daria was just shocked that Sparks was capable of having feelings for other people at all. "Um... maybe you should speak to Amy about that privately. By the way, which Amy? There are at least ten other women in this section of Sealab with that name," O'Neill said. "Oh, Barksdale," Sparks said.

"Right, well... speak with her privately, and I'm sure that she'll be able to help you," O'Neill said. "Now, anything else you'd like to share?" O'Neill asked him. "Uh... yeah. Captain Murphy... I find it tiresome to have to delete security footage of you wetting your bed every other night. I think you need to learn how to control your bladder," Sparks said.

"Oh, I knew I was forgetting something!" Murphy exclaimed. _Wait_ , thought Daria, _Sparks doesn't take care of security footage. That's under Commander Li's jurisdiction. and besides, I know for a fact that he pays the orphans to pee on Captain Murphy's bed when he's sleeping_.

"Wait," Dr. Quinn said, "I know for a fact that you're paying the orphans to pee on Captain Murphy's bed when he's asleep!" "What!?" Murphy exclaimed. "Sparks, I'll kill you!" Murphy exclaimed as he jumped up and ran over to Sparks, attacking him. Amy leapt out of her seat and ran over to stop him. "Get off of him!" she cried. Dr. Quinn and Debbie Dupree soon joined the fray. Commander DeMartino and Daria simply stayed in their seats and watched, while O'Neill broke down crying.

Janet patted O'Neill on the back. "It's okay, Skinny. These things happen. What did you expect from a bunch of men anyway?" "I-I thought... I thought I could help them!" O'Neill blabbered. "You can't help them," she said. "But-But I-" "Forget it, Skinny, it's Sealab," Barch said to him just as a chair flew into the air.

Hesh soon joined the fray, while Upchuck quietly made his way out of the room, ushering for DeMartino and Daria to follow him. Daria shook her head. "No. I'm going to stay and watch the carnage," she said. DeMartino and Upchuck nodded before leaving the room, while Hesh was busy being throttled by Debbie Love, and Tommy Sherman actually tried to break up the fight.

* * *

In the infirmary, Sparks, Amy, Murphy, Dr. Quinn, Debbie Dupree, Hesh, and Debbie Love were all sitting down with bandages, casts, and adhesive medical strips on their bodies. Tommy Sherman had only one adhesive strip on his cheek. Dr. Virjay looked over everyone. "I simply cannot believe that a group of adults such as yourselves could get involved in a fight like this," Dr. Virjay said.

"Sparks started it," Murphy said. "Did not. You started it when you tried to kill me," Sparks retorted. "Enough, both of you!" Amy scolded them. Just then, Commander DeMartino entered the room. "Lieutenant Sherman... you did a good job of... incapacitating them," DeMartino said. "Thank you, Sir," Sherman said.

"So... what are we going to do with all of you?" "Um..." Amy started to speak, "Wait... Hesh, who's running the reactor room right now?" "Mmrgo," Hesh replied through his bandaged mouth. "Okay. As long as it isn't Stormy," Amy said.

"Um, Aunt Amy," Daria said as she entered the room, "I think... would you like to hang out with me and Quinn tomorrow? Just the three of us?" Daria asked her. Amy nodded her head. "Sure. It'll give me some time to think about some things," she said with a warm smile. "Okay. I'll let Quinn know," Daria said as she turned around and left the room. "And you, Jodene; I need to speak with you later tonight.," Amy said with a pointed look. "Yes, Ma'am," Sparks replied.

Dr. Virjay shook his head. "I am surrounded by complete morons and sociopathic degenerates," he lamented. "Tell me about it," DeMartino said. "Say, what happened to Lieutenant Commander Barch and Mister O'Neill?" Virjay asked DeMartino. "Oh, Janet took Timothy back to her quarters to cheer him up. I'm pretty sure that they won't be leaving her quarters until tomorrow," DeMartino said.

"Hmm... yes, she seems quite fond of him. Well, I'm going to get some ointments and spare bandages for the patients. And then... I'm going to give **all of you** the worst punishment I can think of," Virjay said. "And that would be..." Dr. Quinn asked, trailing off. "Do you know what the Spanish word for 'hands' is?" Virjay asked them.

"I think so," Debbie Dupree said. "Good, because there's a movie from the nineteen sixties with that word for its title, and _all of you_ are going to watch it together. I'll have the doors locked from the outside, so that only Commander DeMartino and Commander Li can get you out," Virjay said.

"Huh, where'd you get that idea?" DeMartino asked Virjay as they walked away from the others. "Oh, Lieutenant Morgendorffer and her friends invited me to a bad movie marathon they were having the other week. There, I discovered something that those six will only be able to survive if they all learn to get along," Virjay said with a smirk before the two of them left the room.

* * *

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.


	6. Le Wrath Di Bizarro

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 020 [2-06]: Le Wrath Di Bizarro

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Tuesday, December 10th, 2021

Daria and Jane slowly made their way to the bridge after school. "So, I've just been thinking about it, and I was hoping to maybe join White Debbie and paint some of the dolphins or something," Jane said. "You know, an image of them jumping out of the water, or swimming around... it could be really neat. Maybe give them some toys to play with," she added.

"Well, first, you'd have to ask Lieutenant Commander Dupree herself, and then you'd have to promise that your art supplies won't somehow get into the water with the dolphins," Daria said. "Well, yeah, but I'd make sure to stay back a few meters, and bring some water-proof coverings for my stuff," Jane replied.

"Bring Tom with you; see if the dolphins will play with him or something," Daria said as they turned a corner. "Well... would you be willing to join us?" Jane asked her. "It depends on the date and time," Daria said.

Line Break

Captain Murphy looked at the strange glowing swirling circle in the broom closet. "Huh... I thought we had that thing fixed," he said, before reaching up and replacing a dead light bulb above the swirling thing. "There we go," he said. He took a glance down at the glowing swirling vortex and shrugged his shoulders before leaving the closet, forgetting to close the door.

After he left, a pair of black boots stepped out of the portal, followed by another pair, and another, and another...

Line Break

Amy Barksdale walked down corridor 01-AA-03. She knelt down and looked at the circuit panel of a malfunctioning door. She got out her tool box and opened up the panel, stopping after hearing a strange noise. "Bok," she heard faintly in the distance.

She raised her head and looked around the corridor, seeing only a handful of maintenance staff walking around. "Hmm," she mused before returning her attention to the circuit panel and fixing the door.

Line Break

Captain Murphy walked onto the bridge. "Hey, Sparks, you know that broom closet in Section Three? Well, I got the light bulb fixed in it," Murphy said proudly. "Uh-huh. Did you remember to keep the flashlight aimed at the socket this time?" Sparks asked him as Daria and Jane entered the bridge from the other door.

"Didn't have to. There was a glowing blue swirly thing in there to give me light while I changed the bulb," Murphy said. "Yeah, so-wait, what?" Sparks asked him. Daria and Jane both raised their eyebrows.

"Yeah, there was this blue swirling thing in there that was glowing and gave me enough light to see while I changed the bulb," Murphy explained. "I did it all by myself, too," he said with his arms crossed. "Blue swirly thing? Um, do you think that maybe you should've told Dr. Quinn or somebody about it?" Jane asked him.

"Uh, no. Why?" Murphy asked.

Line Break

"Hey, Babe, it's Daria!" Kevin Thompson said to Brittany Taylor as they walked through the hall while heading for the commissary. "Hey, Daria. Um, what's up with the outfit?" Brittany asked the girl. The girl who resembled Daria had blue hair and a green scanner over her eyes. A girl who resembled Jane stood next to her, with a visor over her eyes and black and yellow striped hair.

"Why, what ever do you mean?" 'Daria' asked with a smirk. "Hey, what's that thing over your eye?" Kevin asked her. "It's my Intelligence Scanner," she said. Kevin's intelligence had a reading of only 0020.00 on her scale, while Brittany had a reading of 0083.00 on the intelligence scale.

"Cool, what does it do?" Kevin asked her. "It determines the levels of a person's intelligence," she replied. "Really? What's my level?" he asked. "Zero-Zero-Twenty-Point-Zero-Zero," she said. "So is that, like, good?" Kevin asked. "I don't know, does it feel nice to have a needle shoved into your eyes?" she asked him.

"Um... no?" Kevin replied. "Hey, Kevvy, look! It's... people who look like _us!_ " Brittany said as a Brittany with black hair in a ponytail and one cybernetic eye approached them, followed by a Kevin with no shoulder pads and bright green hair.

"I am Bizarro Kevin," said Bizarro Kevin. "Cool! I'm regular Kevin," Kevin said. "Shut up, morons!" Bizarro Daria snapped at them. "It's like the Stormies all over again," Bizarro Daria said. "Hey, Bizarro Daria, can I draw on their faces?" Bizarro Jane asked her. "Not yet. We must determine if they know the location of the Destructo Beam! Afterwards... you can do that drawing thing," Bizarro Daria said.

Behind her, she heard a gasp. She turned around and saw Commander DeMartino staring at her. "No. God no!" DeMartino shouted. "How the HELL did you get BACK HERE!?" he cried out. "Silence, cretin! Where is the Destructo Beam!?" Bizarro Daria snapped. DeMartino simply ran away as fast as he could.

"Whoa! I've never seen him run like that," Kevin said. "Bizarro Kevin, please keep this one silent," Bizarro Daria said. "I am Bizarro Kevin!" Bizarro Kevin said. "I'm the QB!" Kevin replied as Bizarro Kevin gave him some gum. "What are you doing?" Bizarro Daria asked him with an eyebrow raised. "If he chews on the gum, then he will not talk," Bizarro Kevin replied.

"Yes... but I was hoping you would incapacitate him," she said. "Hey, should we contact Buttholomew and Bizarro Quinn?" Bizarro Brittany asked. "Um... what's going on here?" Brittany asked nervously. The three female Bizarro's looked at her with smirks.

Line Break

"So, you have no idea what it is or how it got there, and yet you decided to simply say nothing about it, even though it could potentially kill everyone?" Sparks asked Captain Murphy. "Well, when you put it that way... yes, but _not_ intentionally," he replied.

Just then, the door opened to reveal Bizarro Quinn, who was drinking a soda. She looked around the room before turning around and leaving. "Um... was that Quinn?" Jane asked nervously. "Yes and no," Daria replied. "Hey... that outfit of hers looked familiar," Captain Murphy said.

"Yeah, it was all black and she had that thing on her face and her hair was weird and... that was BIZARRO QUINN!" Sparks exclaimed. "That swirling blue thing! Captain, that was a dimensional portal of some kind!" Jane exclaimed in realization. "Oh. I thought it was just some kind of ambient circular lava lamp, actually," Murphy said.

Jane, Daria, and Sparks stared at Captain Murphy. "Captain, you do realize that the Bizarro's, the people who tied us up to chairs and nearly drove all of us insane and tried to kills us, are back in the station, right? Do you realize that _at all?_ " Daria asked him. "Um... no, not really. I thought Female Quinn was just going for a new look when she came in here, and got nervous and ran away. If she spills that soda, though, I'll make sure that she cleans it up," Murphy said.

Sparks shook his head and turned around. He called up Dr. Quinn. " _Hey, Sparks, what's going on?_ " Dr. Quinn asked nonchalantly. "The Bizarro's are back," Sparks said. " _Say_ _ **what!?**_ " Dr. Quinn asked him. "They're back. Captain Murphy found a dimensional portal in a broom closet and decided to ignore it. We don't know how long they've been running around now," Sparks explained.

" _Dammit Captain!_ " Dr. Quinn shouted over the speakers. "What? We were able to hypnotize them the last time they were here. I'm sure we can do it again," Murphy said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Captain, they hypnotized _themselves_... by _accident!_ " Jane retorted with a frown. "Oh. Oh yeah. They did, didn't they?" Murphy said as he scratched his chin.

Line Break

"Quinn, should we really do this out here?" Stacey Rowe asked Quinn Morgendorffer as they retreated into an alcove. "What if we get caught?" Stacey asked. "Oh, don't worry," Quinn said with a devilish smile. "No one comes through here," she said before she planted her lips on Stacey's. Neither of them noticed the footsteps coming through the hallway.

"Whoa!" exclaimed Buttholomew at the sight of the two girls making out. "Hot! I must record this!" he said. "Uh, hey, do I either of you have, like, a camera so that I can record you making out and stuff?" Buttholomew asked them. Quinn paled at seeing his face. "Oh my god, how did you get back into Sealab!?" she shrieked.

"So... you don't have a camera, do you?" Buttholomew asked as Quinn and Stacey ran away from him. "So... I take it they don't have a camera," he said to himself quietly.

Line Break

Amy Barksdale tested the door to make sure that it was working properly before she packed up her tools and set off for her next assignment. She stopped over at a communications console on the wall. "Hey, Marco," Amy said as she dialed the Engineering section, "I've just finished the door in corridor 01-AA-03."

" _Barksdale? Hey, listen, I just heard from Sparks that those Bizarro guys ae back! There's some kind of dimension portal thing in a broom closet, and those creeps managed to get into Sealab. Make your way over to Engineering to meet up with me or make your way over to the Bridge. And watch your back,_ " Marco said.

"Affirmative," Amy said before hanging up. "Bok! Bok! Bizarro, bizarro!" Amy turned around to see Bizarro Quentin hopping towards her. "Eek!" she cried as he hopped around her, before she remembered that he was, despite his eccentricity, mostly harmless. "Hey, Bizarro Quentin, go take a nap or something," Amy said. "Okay! Bizarro okay! Bizarro!" he squawked before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

"That was easier than I expected," Amy muttered before she ran to a service elevator. She pressed the button for the next level and waited as the lift took her up.

Line Break

Inside Sealab's main security center for Pods 01-18, Commander Angela Li stared at Bizarro Daria in terror as the blue-haired girl held her Bennelli Super-90 in her hands. "It was so kind of you to hand this over, Commander Li," Bizarro Daria said. "How did you get back into Sealab!?" Commander Li demanded. "Be quiet!" Bizarro Daria snapped as she smacked the butt of the gun into Commander Li's stomach, knocking the wind out of her.

" _I_ am in charge now. Not Bizarro Murphy, not Bizarro Shanks, and not Bizarro Mother, but **ME!** " Bizarro Daria declared. "Now, to find my counterpart. No one calls me stupid and gets away with it. No one," she said with a frown. "Hey, is _this_ the Destructo Beam?" Bizarro Kevin asked as he held up a PEZ dispenser.

"No, you moron. That's a freakin' PEZ dispenser!" Bizarro Daria shouted at him. "Hey," Bizarro Marco said, "I think I found something really cool!" He left the room before walking back in with a power drill. "Do you even _know_ what the Destructo Beam actually looks like!?" Bizarro Daria asked him in anger.

"Sure, but this thing here is pretty cool too!" Bizarro Marco replied. Bizarro Daria growled at him. "It's a **power drill!** We have _plenty_ of them back home!" Bizarro Daria exclaimed. "You need to relax, Bizarro Sister," Buttholomew said as he entered the security center. He could see that most of the personnel had been incapacitated. Many of them were tied up to chairs and tables.

The only one who wasn't incapacitated was Tommy Sherman, and he was sitting at a table drinking with Bizarro Sherman. Both Shermans were busy trying to see who could drink the most before passing out.

"Don't tell me to relax!" Bizarro Daria hissed at him. "I already did," Buttholomew replied with a chuckle. One of Bizarro Daria's eyes twitched. "Status report," she demanded. "The Quinn and Stacey of this dimension are hot," Buttholomew stated. "Yes, I'm sure they are. But I meant the status of your search for the Destructo Beam and this universe's Daria," Bizarro Daria replied flatly.

"Um... I couldn't find either of them," Buttholomew said. "Did you try checking the bridge?" Bizarro Brittany asked him. "That was where we attacked them last time. They know that we're here, so why would anyone stay there this time?" Buttholomew asked in response. "Because it is the last place they would expect us to look," Bizarro Daria said.

"Um, Bizarro Sister, I must inquire as to you obsession with this dimension's Daria. I thought that we were searching for the Destructo Beam," Buttholomew said. "Yeah, why are you so concerned with her?" Bizarro DeMartino asked as he walked away from two security officers he had beaten up.

"She tasks me," Bizarro Daria said while clenching one of her gloved fists. "She tasks me, and I shall have her." "Eh, okay," Buttholomew said in response. "So... where's Bizarro Murphy?" Commander Li asked as she recovered from Bizarro Daria's attack. Bizarro Daria looked back over at Commander Li. "He's around," she said with a smirk.

Line Break

"I want my slaw!" Bizarro Murphy said to the waiter at Grizzlebee's. "You have your slaw, sir," the waiter said. "I want my slaw!" "You **have** your slaw sir!" "I **want** my _slaw!_ " "You _**have**_ your slaw, sir!"

"What seems to be the problem here?" the manager asked as she came over to the table where Bizarro Murphy, Bizarro Upchuck, Bizarro Debbie, and Bizarro Amy were sitting. "I want my slaw!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. "But you have your slaw," Bizarro Upchuck pointed out to him. "See? Even your companions can tell you that you have it," the waiter said.

The manager looked down at Bizarro Murphy's plate. There was, indeed, a small bowl of coleslaw on the table. "Sir, you have your slaw," the manager said. "Where!?" Bizarro Murphy demanded. "Look down at the table," the manager said. Bizarro Murphy looked down and saw the bowl of slaw. "Oh. Thank you for the slaw," Bizarro Murphy said.

"I hate my life," the waiter whispered to himself.

Line Break

"Okay, do we know where the Bizarro's are located?" Daria asked as she looked at a map of Sealab on a big TV screen on the wall. "They seem to be all over the place this time," Commander DeMartino said. "Are they the same ones that we encountered before?" Jane asked him. "Well, there's Bizarro Quinn, Bizarro Jane, and Bizarro Daria," Sparks said. "And probably Bizarro Marco and Bizarro DeMartino. There haven't been any signs of Bizarro Murphy, though, have there?" Daria asked.

"Um... I saw a Bizarro Kevin and a Bizarro Brittany," DeMartino said. "Great. New Bizarro's," Jane muttered. "Well-" " _Hey! This is Lieutenant Junior Grade Ruttheimer, reporting from Engineering! We've got strange dopplegangers running around here! Hesh, don't him touch that!_ "

Everyone looked at a screen to see Bizarro Hesh licking various controls around the room, while Bizarro Jane was drawing on Hesh's face with marker. " _My eyes! My eyes!_ " Hesh screamed as Bizarro Jane drew on his face. "Well, at least _something good_ came out of this," Daria muttered under her breath.

" _Ensign Lane, stop her!_ " Upchuck shouted at Trent. " _Uh... hey! Stop, um, doing that!_ " Trent said with a small amount of force. Upchuck looked back at the camera. " _We need help over here! Where the hell is Marco!?_ " Upchuck screamed before he saw Bizarro Quinn enter the room. " _Wazzup, bitches!?_ " Bizarro Quinn exclaimed happily.

" _Oh dear god, why!?_ " Upchuck cried out as Bizarro Quinn tackled him. The video feed switched back to the previous setting. Just then, Stacey and Quinn burst into the Bridge, falling over each other. "B-B-Bizarro's!" Quinn exclaimed. "Yeah, what she said!" Stacey added.

Line Break

"Lieutenant Barksdale!" Marco shouted as he ran towards her. "Marco! Marco, the Bizarro's are back. Have you seen any of them?" Amy asked him. "Only one. It looked like a Bizarro version of Dolphin Boy," Marco said. "Oh my," Amy said with revulsion. "Yeah, but don't worry, I shot him out of an airlock," Marco said reassuringly. "Oh. That's good," Amy said with relief.

"Well, that's one down and... how many to go?" Amy asked him. "Uh... I really don't know," Marco replied thoughtfully. "Well, how many were there last time?" Amy asked as they walked down the corridor. "Um, I can't remember the exact number, but I do remember Bizarro Sparks being killed, along with Bizarro Stormy, although considering that his head ended up walking away with the others, I don't know if that really counts," Marco said.

"Hmm, good point," Amy said. "Well, aside from those two, and the Dolphin Boy, there was Bizarro Daria, Bizarro Jane, Bizarro Butthead, Bizarro Murphy, Bizarro Quinn, Bizarro Debbie, Bizarro Quentin, who I ran into earlier, Bizarro Li, Bizarro DeMartino, Bizarro Marco, Bizarro Amy, and I think that was all of them last time," Amy said.

"Well, that still leaves about eleven left," Marco said. After they entered a large hallway, they heard a clanging noise. They looked over at a shadow on the wall, watching as a figure soon appeared. It had multiple mechanical legs, and two mechanical arms. It had one red cybernetic eye and bright red hair. It was Bizarro Shanks.

"Hey there, fellers!" her called out as he flexed the large pincer claws on his one mechanical hand menacingly. "Who wants to have a good time with Bizarro Shanks!? Yee-haw!" he shouted. Behind him were two more Bizarro's: Bizarro Barch and Bizarro O'Neill. "Come quietly or there will be trouble!" Bizarro O'Neill said menacingly.

Bizarro O'Neill had white hair and a scar on his right cheek, along with a cybernetic left eye, while Bizarro Barch simply had green hair and a visor over her eyes, much like Bizarro Jane, along with a cybernetic right leg. "Come with us, cretins!" Bizarro Barch shouted. "Yes! Give us the Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Shanks demanded.

"They're _still_ after that damn thing!?" Amy asked incredulously. Bizarro Shanks stopped walking and simply pointed one of his arms forward. "Get them!" he ordered Bizarro O'Neill and Bizarro Barch. Marco looked down at the floor and saw two large metal pipes. He ran over and grabbed them, handing one to Amy. "Take this!" he said. "Thanks," Amy replied. "Come on, let's teach these dopplegangers a lesson in pain!"

Line Break

"You know... I'm full," Bizarro Murphy said. "Good. Will you please leave now?" the manager asked them. The group had devoured five courses of food and had scared most of the other patrons away. "Yeah, yeah. We need ot get going anyway," Bizarro Upchuck said.

"Weren't we supposed to be looking for something?" Bizarro Debbie asked. "Um... maybe," Bizarro Amy said thoughtfully. "Uh... some kind of diamond or a laser or something?" Bizarro Upchuck suggested. "The Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. The manager simply walked away and watched as the group got up and left.

"The Destructo Beam is the most powerful destructive weapon ever wrought by man!" Bizarro Murphy continued. "Yes, yes it is," the others said in agreement. "Say, where's Bizarro Daria? I... can't remember what she was doing," Bizarro Murphy asked. "I think you sent her to the security center of the station," Bizarro Upchuck said.

"Ah yes, but their security will soon be insecure after we have penetrated their impenetrable defenseless defenses!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed. "Say, what happened to Bizarro Mack and Bizarro Jodie?" Bizarro Debbie asked. "Who knows?" Bizarro Murphy replied. "I think they're with Bizarro Stacey," Bizarro Upchuck said.

Line Break

"Shiiiiiiiiny," Bizarro Mack said as he stared at a metal hand rail. Bizarro Jodie was busy drooling over a picture of a cheeseburger posted on the wall. "Dammit! I can't report back to Bizarro Daria empty-handed!" Bizarro Stacey exclaimed in a panicked tone. "She might kill me, like she did Bizarro Sandi!" "Fooooooooooooooooood," Bizarro Jodie said as she licked the poster. "Bizarro Tiffany, have you found anything?" Bizarro Stacey asked her.

"Nothing! Ihavefoundnothing!" Bizarro Tiffany said quickly. "Thereisnothingherethat... resemblestheDestructoBeam!" she added. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Bizarro Stacey exclaimed in frustration. "Maybe... weshouldcheckanotherlocation," Bizarro Tiffany suggested.

"Good idea! We'll check another location," Bizarro Stacey said. "Bizarro Jodie and Bizarro Mack, we are leaving this area!" she said. "Shiiiny," Bizaroo Mack said slowly. Bizarro Stacey frowned at them. Bizarro Stacey had bright orange hair, which was in a bob-cut, while Bizarro Tiffany had bright purple hair that was braided into a ponytail. They both had Intelligence Scanners over their eyes.

Bizarro Jodie had lime green hair, which was uncombed and fell to her shoulders, while Bizarro Mack had an eighties metal band hair, along with a mullet. His hair was bright pink. "Food be where will there?" Bizarro Jodie asked them as she slowly turned around. "I don't know yet," Bizarro Stacey replied. "If food I eat don't soon, will starve I," Bizarro Jodie said.

Line Break

Daria walked over to a microphone and checked the settings on the terminal. She grinned. "Attention all residents of Sealab!" she spoke into the microphone. "This is Bizarro Daria, and I am searching for the Destructo Beam. The Destructo Beam is the most destructive weapon ever wrought by man! Give it to us before midnight or we will start killing our hostages in the security center. Also, bring me the one called Daria Morgendorffer! Bring her to me, and I may extend the deadline by an extra three or four hours," she said with a malicious grin.

Line Break

"Oh, you've got to be kidding," Daria said as she listened to Bizarro Daria's voice over the station's speakers and intercom. "What the hell does she want with _you?_ " Jane asked her friend. "I have no idea, unless she remembers me calling her a stupid bitch," Daria said.

" _The lives of all your comrades are in our hands, cretins! Surrender to us and hand over the Destructo Beam! And Daria, if you can hear me, bring yourself to me willingly, or I will send an escort to find you in one hour,_ " Bizarro Daria said over the speakers.

"Hey, Jane, Commander DeMartino?" Daria asked. "Yes, Lieutenant Morgendorffer?" Commander DeMartino asked her. "Please watch my sister and Aunt Amy for me," Daria said as she prepared to head out and meet Bizarro Daria. "Wait! You cannot POSSIBLY be thinking of GOING ALONE!?" Commander DeMartino asked her.

"Well... I kind of was," Daria replied. "Are you crazy? Daria, she didn't say that you had to go alone, so we're coming with you," Jane said. "No. Don't put yourselves in danger for my sake, I don't want-" she was interrupted when the door opened to reveal Bizarro Tom and Bizarro Elsie. "I told you they would be here," Bizarro Elsie said. Her voice was completely normal, and she had Navy Blue hair, while Bizarro Tom was a floating head in a jar, much like Bizarro Sparks.

"Um... Jane? Do you think that this is somehow symbolic?" Daria asked her as she thought about Bizarro Tom's appearance and how it reminded her of Bizarro Sparks. "What do you mean?" Jane asked her. "Well, Bizarro Sparks was also a head in a flying jar, and regular Sparks is in a relationship with Aunt Amy. Bizarro Tom here is a head in a jar, and regular Tom is in a relationship with both you _and_ me," Daria said.

"You know, I'm pretty sure it's just a coincidence. You're overthinking things," Jane said reassuringly. "Come with us, quietly, or suffer the wrath of Bizarro Elsie!" Bizarro Tom said with a cackle. "But we don't wanna go with you," Jane said nonchalantly. "Oh. Okay... wait, that's too bad!" Bizarro Elsie said.

She marched over and grabbed Daria by the arms. "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" Bizarro Elsie said. "I don't think so!" shouted a voice from behind Bizarro Tom and Bizarro Elsie. "Brittany!?" Jane asked as she saw the blonde girl holding a flamethrower. Elsie and Tom were right behind her. " _ **Get away from her, you bitch!**_ " Elsie shouted as Brittany stepped forward.

Bizarro Elsie let go of Daria and held her hands up in surrender as soon as she saw the flamethrower. "You win!" she said with a high-pitched shriek. "Hmm... yeah, I guess I surrender as well," Bizarro Tom said. "Smart idea," Tom said to Bizarro Tom. "I like being alive," Bizarro Tom said. "Me too," Tom said in agreement with his Bizarro counterpart.

"So... you guys wouldn't happen to know where the Destructo Beam is located, would you?" Bizarro Tom asked them nervously. Daria groaned in annoyance. "How many times do we have to tell you morons? WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. ONE. OF. THOSE!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed from behind the group.

"Dr. Quinn!" Jane exclaimed. "Yes, that's me. Now, I believe that we have a situation to deal with, involving Bizarro Daria and her raging insanity," Dr. Quinn said. "Wait, if you guys don't have a Destructo Beam, then why did Bizarro Daria lead us here?" Bizarro Elsie asked out loud.

"How should I know? She's completely fucking insane," Dr. Quinn said. "Yeah... she does have a bit of a vindictive side to her," Bizarro Tom said. "I used to have a torso, and limbs, and other body parts, but then she got jealous of me because I was with Bizarro Jane too much for her liking, so he had those removed," Bizarro Tom said.

"What? You were attacked by a shark and had to have your head placed in that jar," Bizarro Elsie said. "I saw it happen," she added. "Yeah, but Bizarro Daria used that attack as an excuse to have my head removed from my body," Bizarro Tim explained.

"The wounds from the shark weren't quite as bad as she had made them out to be, and Bizarro Davidson was only too eager to perform the operation, along with Bizarro Virjay and Bizarro Daria herself," Bizarro Tom finished. "Mmm... no, I'm still pretty sure that it was just Bizarro Virjay being too incompetent to save the rest of your body," Bizarro Elsie said, unconvinced. "Don't forget what he did to Bizarro Shanks," she added.

Line Break

"Take that!" Amy shouted as she brought the metal pipe down onto Bizarro Shanks' head again. "And... that. Take-take... this, and... that," she said tiredly as she swung again and again, not noticing that Bizarro Shanks was already destroyed. Amy's uniform was in tatters, and she had a few cuts and bruises marking her body from the fight against the three Bizarro's. Marco was currently still clubbing the dead Bizarro O'Neill.

CLANG! "That's for your stupid voice!" he said. CLANG! "That's for looking funny!" CLANG! "That's because I like swinging this pipe!" CLANG! "That's for all the people who share your last name!" CLANG! "That's just because I feel like it!" CLANG! "That's for... um, I don't know, but I'll think of something!"

"Marco," Amy said, exhausted, "I think you can stop now." Marco brought the pipe down one final time and looked around at the dead Bizarro's. "Wow. I think we may have gone a bit overboard," Marco said. "We did get Bizarro Barch, right?" Marco asked Amy. "Yeah, that's her arm right over there, and that's her leg over there," Amy said.

"Huh... I don't remember ripping those off of her," Marco said. "You didn't. _I_ did," Amy said. "Oh. Good job. You're pretty ruthless," Marco said. "Well, when someone is trying to tear your throat out with their bare hands, you kind of have to be," Amy replied.

"Say, were you able to make out what was being said during that announcement earlier?" Marco asked her. "Sorry, I was too busy fighting Bizarro Barch," Amy replied. "Damn, because I couldn't make out half of what was being said while fighting the Bizarro's either," Marco replied.

"Hey, why don't we make our way to the security center. We can probably find out what's going on there," Marco suggested. "Good idea," Amy said.

Line Break

"Then keep searching!" Bizarro Daria snapped at Bizarro Stacey over the communication console. " _Y-Yes, Bizarro Daria!_ " Bizarro Stacey said with panic, before she hung up. "Idiots," Bizarro Daria muttered as she walked back over to look at her hostages.

"Bizarro Sherman!" she shouted. "Yes?" Bizarro Sherman replied as he walked over to her. Bizarro Sherman had black hair and a cybernetic right arm. He otherwise looked exactly like his regular counterpart, aside from his uniform. "Do... something productive," Bizarro Daria ordered him. "Uh... like what?" he asked her. "I don't know; anything that isn't just sitting around on your ass!" she exclaimed.

"Don't you mean, _Bizarro ass?_ " Bizarro Sherman asked in response. "Just shut up and... go count the number of tiles on the floor or something," Bizarro Daria said in frustration. She looked over at Buttholomew, who as eating a bag of nachos while looking at the security monitors. "Buttholomew! Get up and do something!" she snapped at him. "Uh... I'm watching the security monitors. It's actually pretty important," he replied. She heard the sound of a door opening and looked over to see Bizarro Murphy, Bizarro Upchuck, Bizarro Amy, and Bizarro Debbie entering the security center.

"Okay, cretins! Hand over the Destructo Beam!" Bizarro Murphy demanded. "They're already tied up," Bizarro Daria said to him in thinly veiled disgust at his obliviousness. He looked down at the tied up hostages. "Hmm, so they are. In that case... give us the diamonds!" he demanded.

"What diamonds?" Bizarro Daria asked him. "You know! The diamonds for the... for the, uh, for the, um... the diamonds!" Bizarro Daria raised an eyebrow. "Okay, why don't you go find Daria and see if she has any diamonds. I heard that she might be hiding them somewhere, and if you bring her to me, then we can find them together," Bizarro Daria suggested.

"Of course!" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed before he turned around, accompanied by his entourage. "Wait, Bizarro Mother!" Bizarro Daria called out to Bizarro Amy. Bizarro Amy walked over to her. "I... I am doing a good job of progressing the search for the Destructo Beam, am I not?" she asked her. "Of course! Taking control of the station like this can only ensure that the residents of Sealab will cooperate with us," Bizarro Amy replied with a smirk.

Bizarro Daria nodded her head. "Thank you, Bizarro Mother!" she said with tears of joy in her eyes. "You are most welcome!" Bizarro Amy said before she hugged Bizarro Daria, who then hugged her back. "Now, I must make sure that Bizarro Murphy does not mistake Daria for someone else, or we may never catch her and find out what she knows," Bizarro Amy said as she turned around and chased after Bizarro Murphy.

Line Break

"Fooood?" Bizarro Jodie asked. "No. We don't have any food for you," Dr. Quinn said as the group tried to maneuver past the four Bizarro's they had just encountered on their way to the security center. "Ooooooooooooh," Bizarro Jodie said. "Durrrrrrrrr," Bizarro Mack said as he drooled.

"Okay, what the hell is up with _these_ Bizarro's?" Jane asked. "I mean, why are they such morons? I know that the others are dumb, but these guys make _our_ Kevin look like a genius... or at least a C average student.

"WhereistheDestructoBeam!?" Bizarro Tiffany shrieked at them. "Huh?" Stacey asked her in confusion. "Yeah, I didn't get half of that either," Daria said. "WhereistheDestructoBeam... Cretins!?" Bizarro Tiffany said as she pulled out a laser pistol. "Oh crap!" Tom exclaimed as Tiffany aimed the laser pistol at them. "Tell me! Tell me! Whereisit!? Tellmenow! Tellmenow!" she said with a manic tone.

" _ **We do not know. We lost it some time ago. We had opened a portal to your dimension when we had it, and then we lost it in there. The Destructo Beam is back in your own dimension**_ ," Elsie lied. Bizarro Stacey blinked. "R-Really?" she asked timidly. "Yes," Daria said flatly. "It's been in your dimension the whole time, now go back home and stay there," she added.

"Oh my gosh, yes! I get to go back home! I get to go home!" Bizarro Stacey cried out in happiness, falling for Elsie's lie. "Yes, now... let's find Bizarro Daria and tell her about it!" Bizarro Tiffany suggested slowly. "Good idea! Come on, guys! We can all tell her together!"

Line Break

"Bizarro Murphy... that's not Daria. That's a _mop_ ," Bizarro Upchuck said. The group had stopped less than a few meters away from the entrance to the security center, before Bizarro Murphy had found and started interrogating a mop and a wet floor sign. "That's what she _wants_ us to think!" he exclaimed.

"Now, Daria! Where is the Destructo Beam!? Still not talking? Alright then, at least give me the diamonds," Bizarro Murphy said. The mop did not respond. "Very resistant, isn't she?" Bizarro Murphy asked the others.

Only Bizarro Upchuck noticed the large group of people advancing towards them, and that Daria was among the group. "Um, Bizarro Murphy, look over-" "Not now! I think I'm breaking through to her!" Bizarro Murphy said as he slapped the mop. Bizarro Upchuck watched as Bizarro Daria stepped out of the security center and aimed a laser pistol at Bizarro Murphy. She fired and destroyed the mop.

"Dammit! How are we gonna find the diamonds now!?" Bizarro Murphy exclaimed as he turned around to shout at Bizarro Daria. "That wasn't Daria, you moron!" Bizarro Daria shouted at him. " _That_ ," she said, pointing at the group with regular Daria, "Is Daria!" Bizarro Murphy looked over at Daria. "Hey... that girl looks familiar," he said while scratching his chin.

"Bizarro Daria! Guess what! We know where the Destructo Beam is located!" Bizarro Stacey exclaimed with glee. "Really? That's great!" Bizarro Daria exclaimed happily as she hugged Bizarro Stacey. "So, where is it?" Bizarro Daria asked Bizarro Stacey.

"It's back home! They took it there once and forgot it! It was back home the whole time!" Bizarro Stacey said. Bizarro Daria's eyes widened. "The-the whole time? Oh my god! I... I'm such a fool! I was so stupid! It was back home the whole time! Bizarro Mother! I... I'm a failure!" Bizarro Daria cried.

Bizarro Amy walked over and pulled her daughter into a hug. "There, there. It's okay. We all make mistakes. And besides, it was Bizarro Murphy who insisted that we come back here in the first place," Bizarro Amy said to her daughter. "Can... can we go back home now?" Bizarro Daria asked her mother. "Of course. As soon as the others join us," Bizarro Amy said.

"Um... wow, I was kind of expecting an epic duel or something between you guys," Jane said as she looked at Bizarro Daria. "Jane, don't jinx this," Daria said to her. "Hey, I have a suggestion," Commander DeMartino said. "How about we use the intercom system to let all of the other Bizarro's know about the true location of the Destructo Beam and remind them of where that portal back home is located?"

"Hmm... what about the diamonds?" Bizarro Murphy asked him. "What diamonds?" DeMartino replied. "Never mind," Bizarro Murphy said with a sigh. "Okay then, how about we do that intercom thing?" Jane suggested.

The Bizarro's all started speaking out in agreement. "Sounds good to me." "Yeah." "Sure." "Food to like eat I." "We get to go home!" "I am Bizarro Kevin." "I'm confused."

Line Break

Later on, back on the bridge...

"So, you're sure that the portal is completely closed?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn. "Absolutely, and I made double sure to have a maintenance and security team sweep through every location throughout the station," he replied. Soon, Upchuck's face appeared on one of Sparks' monitors. " _Hey, guys. One of the maintenance guys found a crate full of diamonds in one of our storage rooms,_ " he said.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Sparks said. "Those aren't diamonds. They're Cubic Zirconium Tungstate. I was using that to make fake diamonds to sell to tourists," he explained. " _Oh. Okay then,_ " Upchuck said before hanging up.

Daria and Dr. Quinn both raised eyebrows, but otherwise ignored Sparks' comment. "So... we _did_ make sure that _all_ of the Bizarro's left, right?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn. "Yep. All of them. Even the three that Marco and Amy destroyed," Dr. Quinn said. "Good. I don't think I ever want to see the Bizarro's again," Daria said as Captain Shanks entered the bridge.

"Say, did anyone notice anything unusual earlier today? I could've swore that I was seeing double of everyone," Shanks said. "Why don't you take a seat, Captain? We have a long, sad, depressing tale for you," Daria said. "Is it funny?" Shanks asked her. "It depends on your perspective."

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.


	7. Abyss-mal Encounters

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 021 [2-07]: Dumb Encounters Of The Abyss-mal Kind

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

" _When you stare into the abyss... you'd better not drop anything down there, 'cause you sure as hell ain't getting it back_." ~ Unknown.

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Friday, December 13th, 2021

"Say that again," Sparks requested over the microphone. " _We're sending down some Navy Seals to investigate a missing submarine in the area. With tensions running high lately between China, Russia, and the members of the United Nations, we're just taking precautions,_ " said the man on the screen.

He was a military general. " _When the team arrives, I expect Sealab to give them full cooperation,_ " the general said. That was when Captain Murphy and Dr. Quinn entered the bridge. "Hey, what's going on?" Murphy asked. "We're going to be helping some Navy Seals search for a missing submarine," Sparks said.

"Aw, I love seals. They're really cute and cuddly," Murphy said. "Not that kind of seal, Captain," Dr. Quinn said. "Oh, you mean the guys with guns. So, when are they arriving?" Murphy asked. " _The team is already on its way. I hope there won't be any issues,_ " the general said. "Uh, sure," Murphy said. " _Very good. General Sterngraham out,_ " the general said before closing the video feed.

"So, who wants to pelt them with fish when they arrive, as a joke?" Murphy asked his subordinates. "Eh, maybe. I'll flip a coin," Sparks said. "Count me out," Dr. Quinn said with a frown.

Line Break

"Great, another group of people arriving in Sealab, wreaking who knows what kind of damage," Commander DeMartino said as he and Daria stood outside the airlock while waiting for it to decompress. "Um, why am I here?" Daria asked him. "I'm making sure they know that this station isn't theirs to do with as they please," DeMartino replied.

"Okay, how does my presence figure into that?" Daria asked. "Technically, you could be considered a civilian, so they'll be more mindful of their actions," DeMartino replied. "But I'm a member of the crew," Daria said. "Yes, but you also aren't insane, and Dr. Quinn doesn't want to be here to greet them with me, and Commander Li is busy with something," DeMartino said. "Yes, clearly, the presence of a teenage girl will be all that it takes to make grown men behave themselves," Daria snarked.

The airlock doors soon opened. The Navy Seals quickly entered Sealab. Six of them piled out of the sub, with the last one having a brown mustache and standing tall. "I am Lieutenant Amaretto. These are my men: Ensign Hazelnut, Ensign French Vanilla, Lieutenant Junior Grade French Roast, Ensign Decaf, and Ensign Cappuccino," he said.

"Right. So, when do you plan to begin your operation to find the submarine?" DeMartino asked them. "Shortly. First, we must assess the capabilities of Sealab and determine which vessels we can use in our search. Then we can find the sub," Amaretto said.

"By the way, I am Commander Anthony DeMartino and this is Lieutenant Junior Grade Daria Morgendorffer," DeMartino said. "That's nice. Perhaps we should make our way to the bridge in order to find a proper mission control," Amaretto said. "Follow us," Daria said flatly.

Line Break

On the bridge, the SEALs were being introduced to the rest of the main crew. "This is Lieutenant Barksdale, Commander Sparks, Lt. Commander Quentin Q. Quinn, Captain Murphy, Lt. Commander Debbie Dupree, Lieutenant Tommy Sherman, Commander Angela Li, Lieutenant Stormy Waters, and Lt. Commander Marco Marquez," DeMartino said.

"Hey, catch this!" Murphy said as he threw a fish at Amaretto. It bounced off of him and fell onto the floor. "Fish!" Amaretto shouted, before he pulled out his sidearm and shot it. The other SEALs followed his example, with the exception of Hazelnut. "What the hell was that for!?" Dr. Quinn asked after uncovering his ears.

"You saw it! That fish attacked me! It was dangerous!" Amaretto said. "Yeah! Fish are monsters!" Decaf said. "Um, we're under the ocean. Fish are pretty much everywhere," Daria said. "Oh my god! There's no hope for the crew of that sub now," French Roast said in horror and despair.

"Even if the crew didn't survive, we still need to ascertain the condition of the cargo, and find out what else they may have been carrying," Amaretto said suspiciously. "Wait, what was that last part?" Hazelnut asked. "It could be ruse, or a feint," Amaretto muttered under his breath.

"So... I guess we should get started on the operation," Commander Li said. "Tommy Sherman will help them prepare in one of the moon pools," Tommy Sherman said. "Wait, aren't _you_ Tommy Sherman?" Hazelnut asked him. "Tommy Sherman is Tommy Sherman, yes. Why?" Tommy Sherman asked. "Uh... never mind," Hazelnut replied.

The SEALs quickly followed Sherman out of the bridge. "Well, I never thought I'd meet a group of professionals even more unstable than we are," Daria said flatly. "I don't know," Stormy said. "That fish _did_ jump at him." "The fish was already dead!" Dr. Quinn said. "Maybe, but you can never be too sure!" Stormy said.

"Stormy, why don't you go help them?" DeMartino suggested. "Sure!" he said before he left the bridge. "Think he'll find the right moon pool?" Amy asked. "Who cares?" Dr. Quinn replied. "Point taken," Amy said.

Line Break

"Now, this here is breathing liquid for deep sea dives," Hazelnut said as he showed Stormy a container of pink liquid. "Cool! What does it taste like?" he replied. "Water, pretty much. You put it in a suit and it can help you breathe longer underwater in environments where the pressure might be too much for an air tank to handle," Hazelnut said. "Really? Hmm, okay," Stormy said.

"Alright, when we find the sub, we make sure that no one knows we're there. It's the only way we can slip past their defenses," Amaretto said. "Um, what are you talking about?" French Vanilla asked him. "Then, after we incapacitate the guards, we find out where they're hiding the drugs!" Amaretto said.

"What drugs?" Hazelnut asked as he turned away from Stormy. "Those smugglers are history, you hear me? We can do this!" Amaretto said. "Sir, we're looking for a missing United States Navy submarine. What the hell are you talking about?" French Vanilla asked him. "He's talking about the American Dream!" Decaf said. "Preserving freedom by killing anyone who threatens it with their insidious drugs and free-thinking!" Decaf elaborated.

French Vanilla and Hazelnut exchanged a glance of incredulity between each other. "Um, Sir, did you make sure to get tested for High Pressure Nervous Syndrome after we stopped at the medical bay?" Hazelnut asked him. "Dude, he's always like this," Cappuccino said. "What!?" French Vanilla asked. "Yeah! He's always talking about killing drug lords and murdering commies and stuff," Cappuccino explained.

"How come we never noticed?" Hazelnut asked. "I don't know. You guys spend the least amount of time with him, so maybe that's why," Cappuccino suggested. "Um... Hazelnut," French Vanilla whispered as he walked over to him, "I think we may need to contact command and abort the mission. We can't do this with a lunatic at the helm."

"Right. But we can't let him know. We have to keep quiet until the moment is right," Hazelnut whispered back. He then stood up. "Lieutenant Amaretto! I have a **MIGHTY NEED** to use a toilet!" Hazelnut announced. "Go man, go!" Amaretto shouted at him. Hazelnut quickly ran out of the room.

"We'll save some commies for ya'!" Amaretto said before checking his weapons again. "Peace through superior firepower!" Decaf shouted. "Ooga chaka! Ooga Ooga! Ooga chaka!" "Tommy Sherman is confused."

Line Break

"You mean this guy is completely and totally insane!?" Amy asked Hazelnut. "Yes! He's out of his fucking mind! And the others are fine with it, except French Vanilla," Hazelnut replied. "My god!" DeMartino said. "This submarine... it wouldn't happen to be a nuclear submarine, would it?" Sparks asked him.

"It is, why do... oh. Dear. God," Hazelnut said with horror. "If Amaretto gets his hands anywhere near the payload of that thing... we're fucked!" he exclaimed. "Quiet down, I'm trying to nap!" Captain Murphy said from the couch on the bridge. "But-" "Shut your damn mouth!" Murphy said. "Hey! Watch your mouth! There are minors present!" Hazelnut exclaimed.

"You said the "fuck" twice in front of me," Daria said. "Oh, did I? Sorry 'bout that," Hazelnut said. "I've heard far worse. But I don't like hypocrisy," Daria said. "Commander Li, we need to secure the SEALs. Can your forces do that?" Amy asked Angela. "Are you joking? These guys are Navy SEALs! My people aren't trained to fight SEALs! Unless we lock them in a med bay and have Dr. Virjay inject them with something to knock them out," Li said.

"Right, when military tactics won't work, rely on subterfuge," DeMartino said. "Indeed, now let's go find Dr. Virjay and Dr. Quinn."

Line Break

"What the hell are you guys doing!?" Dr. Quinn shouted at the deranged Navy SEALs, who were painting skulls and stuff on the submersibles. "We're going to strike FEAR into the hearts of our enemies!" Amaretto exclaimed. "What enemies? You're searching for a United States submarine! People from your own country!" Dr. Quinn retorted.

"That's what those commie bastards want us to think!" Amaretto shouted with a crazed grin. "You tell that n[bleep]er!" Decaf exclaimed. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. "Whoa. Decaf," Amaretto said coldly, "That was _not_ cool. Seriously, what the fuck!?"

"I... I just... got caught up in the moment!" Decaf squealed. "Well you can go explain that to Doctor Quinn and apologize to him right now!" Amaretto shouted. "But I-" "Right now! Or no commies for you to kill! You got that!? You apologize to that nice man right fucking now, goddammit!" Amaretto continued to shout at him. "Yes sir!" Decaf shrieked as he ran over to Doctor Quinn.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!" Decaf rambled. He then got on his hands and knees and bowed multiple times in front of Dr. Quinn. "What. The. Hell?" he muttered at the bizarre display in front of him. "Keep begging forgiveness, Decaf! Keep begging! Beg like a maaaaaaaannn!" Amaretto shouted.

Decaf began crying and bawling while screaming at Dr. Quinn to forgive him. _And I thought the Bizarro's were messed up_ , Dr. Quinn commented in his head. "Okay, that's it! You people are all insane!" Dr. Quinn shouted. "I'm calling your superiors and asking them to send someone down here to bring you back to the surface before you do something that we'll all regret!" Dr. Quinn shouted.

"Well boys, this guy doesn't appreciate what his servicemen do for his country. I say we teach this little rat a lesson! Decaf! Stop begging! He doesn't deserve your apologies!" Amaretto growled before rushing at Dr. Quinn. "Come on, Boys! Let's get him!"

Line Break

"Sir, a fight has broken out in Moon Pool 1-07," a maintenance worker said as he entered the bridge. "Li, send some people down there!" DeMartino said. "But what about Virjay's serum?" Li asked. "We'll use this as an excuse! We can say that they need to be examined after we break up the fight, so that they'll be ready to go, and then we can hit 'em!" DeMartino said.

Line Break

"Huh, I guess we didn't need to do anything," DeMartino said as he looked at the bodies of the SEALs on the ground. "Are they dead?" he asked Dr. Quinn. "No, just unconscious. My cyborg body was more than enough to handle them," he explained. "Oh, yeah I forgot that you were a cyborg," DeMartino said while rubbing his chin.

"I don't bring it up very often, so it's understandable," Dr. Quinn said. French Vanilla walked over. "Man, I had no idea that-" Dr. Quinn knocked him unconscious. "Um, he was one of the sane ones," DeMartino said. "Oops," Dr. Quinn muttered.

Line Break

"So, the SEALs are almost all incapacitated, with only two of them being sane enough to be trusted, and the rest are tied up in Commander Li's brig area," Amy said as she sipped some coffee while sitting on a chair next to Sparks. Daria was sitting at her post. "Yup. And anyway, they wouldn't be able to salvage anything in that trench from the start. We've already explored it," Sparks said.

"Oh, so that's why they asked us for help, isn't it?" Amy asked. "Yeah, but we left out a few things in our report on the trench," Sparks said. "Such as..." "Well, the fact that it's filled with giant squids and all sorts of unholy monstrosities that would give people nightmares even while they're awake. And the fact that the alien spaceships down there want to be left alone," Sparks said.

"Say what?" Amy asked. "Yeah. Alien space ships and weird alien things. I mean, those guys look pretty, but they are so weird. They hate being intruded upon, too. They tried to kill us until we promised to never bother them again. Bunch of assholes. Wait... if that submarine found... oh shit!" Sparks said.

Five minutes later, a powerful shock wave, sent from the abyssal trench, impacted and destroyed Sealab.

Line Break

"See that Err? I told them not to intrude upon us, and yet they did not heed our warnings," Ignignokt said. "Yeah! Taste our watery middle fingers, douche bags!" Err screeched at the screen. The Mooninites then flipped off the destroyed remains of Sealab on their screen, before realizing that they had accidentally called the shock wave back at them.

"Uh-oh!" The Mooninites screamed before they, too, were destroyed.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: The Tower That Ate People, by Peter Gabriel.


	8. The Great Coffee-tastrophe

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 022 [2-08]: The Great Coffee-tastrophe

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct  
_ _  
If you're gonna' stand on my neck  
_ _  
Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Monday, December 16th, 2021

Amy Barksdale opened the cupboard to grab a pack of coffee grounds. She noticed that the cupboard was almost empty. There was one half-empty box and one unopened box left. She sighed as she retrieved a small brewing-cup and inserted it into her coffee machine.

Debbie Dupree stepped out of the shower, grabbed her bathrobe and headed for her kitchen, where she saw Quentin Q. Quinn sitting down in his own bathrobe. "Is there a reason you didn't join me in the shower this morning?" Debbie asked him curiously. "I woke up earlier _and_ every time I tried to wake you up, you tried to hit me," Quentin said.

"Huh. Sorry about that. Hey, I don't smell any coffee," Debbie said. "You don't have any left. Believe me, I looked," Quentin replied. "When's the next supply shipment supposed to come in from the surface?" Debbie asked him. "It should have arrived last night, so everything is probably still being unloaded and stocked," Quentin replied.

"I guess I can go for _one_ day without coffee," Debbie said with a slight frown.

"Where? Where did I go wrong?" Captain Murphy asked himself as he looked out the window of the bridge. "Is something wrong, Captain?" Marco asked as he walked up him. "My Happy Bake Oven isn't working properly. I followed the instructions for cleaning it, and yet it won't hold its charge or heat when I bake with it. My delicious cupcakes! I'll have to buy pre-made cupcakes until it's fixed!" Murphy grieved.

"Oh. Uh, yeah, that, um, that sounds bad," Marco said half-heartedly. They soon heard the door open as Sparks entered the bridge. "Hey, Jones, your shift is over," Sparks said to Lieutenant Brett Jones. "Thank you, Sir," Jones said as he got up and left the bridge. Sparks reached down and patted his chair.

"I swear, if he got any crumbs or anything on here..." he muttered before sitting down and putting Jones's headset away and retrieving his own. "Sparks, can you call the surface and ask them to send someone down here to repair my Happy Bake Oven?" Murphy asked him. "What? Don't you have a spare lying around somewhere?" Sparks asked him. Murphy gasped. "You're right! I do have a spare... uh, somewhere! I'm gonna go look for it right now!" Murphy exclaimed before he exited the bridge.

Sparks yawned after that. "You just wake up or something?" Marco asked him. "Yeah. And I'm all out of coffee. Amy drank the last of my coffee last night, so I've got none for myself until we get re-stocked," Sparks said. "Hmm, yeah, how are things going with her, anyway?" Marco asked him. "I don't really like discussing my personal life," Sparks said.

"Is that how you got arrested? Discussing your personal life with a cop by accident?" Marco joked. "Keep it up, Marco. Keep it up," Sparks replied with narrowed eyes, although he said it in good humor.

Commander Oates looked at the inventory list of the supplies in the dock. "Hmm... oh no," he muttered as his eyes widened. "Our coffee shipment... it's been delayed until next month," he whispered fearfully. He looked over at the one remaining unopened crate of coffee leftover from the previous month. "We'll have to ration that until the next shipment comes in," he said.

"I just hope that everyone is willing to cooperate," he said to himself. He looked over the rest of the supplies on the list before calling the designated cargo moving teams into the supply bay. He looked over at a nearby clock as he waited for the inevitable to happen.

Date: Tuesday, December 17th, 2021

Anthony DeMartino scowled as he checked each cupboard for even the most remote sign that there was coffee. "Nothing," he said to himself grumpily. "Dammit, where's all the coffee at!?"

Throughout all of Sealab, as the day wore on, its denizens were slowly coming to the horrifying realization that their coffee stores were empty.

"Now c-class," Mr. O'Neill said shakily, "I-I need you all t-to pay a-attention to the line of-of dialogue be-between M-Mercutio a-and T-Tybalt during t-their c-confrontation." His eyes were wide and darting around the room as he tried to keep his composure.

Line Break

"Okay," Mr. Van Driessen said, "I want one of you to tell me the basics of the Pythagorean Theorem, which was discovered by Pythagoras in ancient Greece. Anyone?" he asked his class, many of whom were jittery and shifting uncomfortably in their seats. "Has anyone heard anything I've been saying at all?" Van Driessen asked curiously.

"Okay," he said with a sigh, "I guess I'll have to go over it again. The Pythagorean Theorem states that A squared plus B squared equals C squared." He looked out at his students. "Um, you _are_ all paying attention, right?" he asked them.

"N-Need... caffeine!" one of them cried out. "Um, after class. Right now, geometry takes precedence over caffeine," Mr. Van Driessen said. This incited a riot in the class room.

Line Break

" _Hesh wants his mocha-flavored love now!_ " Hesh screamed over the console. "It doesn't matter what skin color the woman is, Hesh, no one will ever go out with you if you have that kind of attitude," Sparks replied. " _I meant coffee!_ " Hesh exclaimed. "Oh come on, you can at least wait until you get a break before getting something to drink," Sparks replied.

" _N-No! Hesh wants it now!_ " Hesh screamed manically. "Uh, oh, look at that, I have another caller. Bye, Hesh!" Sparks said before cutting off the transmission. "Whew!" he exclaimed before the door opened to the bridge and Amy walked in. "Hey, have you noticed how everyone's been acting jumpy for the past two days?" she asked him as she crouched down next to a panel in front of a powered-down computer terminal.

"Eh, kind of," Sparks replied. "I mean, some people have been acting weirder than they usually do," Amy reiterated as she opened the panel and began searching for the damaged circuits and controls. "Hesh is more annoying than usual," Sparks said. "Really?" Amy asked as she retrieved some screw drivers and tweezers from her tool box.

"Yeah. I heard that there was also a riot in one of the classrooms at New Lawndale an hour ago," Sparks said. "Oh my," Amy said sardonically as she worked on removing the damaged wire from its hold. "I've noticed that we're low on coffee too. Do you think there's a connection?" Sparks asked her. "We're low on coffee? Hmm, well I still have an unopened box in my cupboard back at my quarters," Amy said.

"Don't tell anyone. Just, you know, in case," Sparks said. "Thank you, Sparks," Amy said as she began crossing a few other wires together for a temporary solution until she could retrieve a proper replacement wire for the controls. "Okay, don't let anyone use this thing for more than an hour at a time until I return with the replacement wire," Amy said as she collected her tools and stood up.

"Affirmative," Sparks said as Amy walked away and left the bridge. "She still didn't answer my question though. Is there a connection?" Sparks asked himself before mulling over the question internally. "Hmm... I'd say there's a seventy-five percent chance that there's a connection," He said to himself before opening up a game of Solitaire on one of his computer screens.

Line Break

"Okay, I know that tensions are high right now," Dr. Quinn said to the angry mob that had formed inside of Sealab's main Social Hall, which was really just a big room that no one actually knew what to do with. "But, we need to keep our cool," he said.

"Easy for you to say, Mr. Cyborg! You don't _need_ caffeine!" someone shouted. "We need coffee! It keeps us alive!" shouted another person. "Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" the crowd began to chant.

"Calm down, people. Just calm down," Dr. Quinn said. The crowd continued chanting. "This isn't going to end well," he said to himself. "Hey, everyone!" shouted Stormy, "There's one large unopened container of coffee grounds still in the loading bay!"

The crowd became silent, before they all charged forward, exiting the room in a mass stampede. Stormy jumped out of the way in a manner befitting of an action movie star, diving onto the floor and letting a cool one-liner slip forth. "Yippee-Kai-Yay, coffee lovers," Stormy said with a cool voice. Twenty seconds later, his coolness ended when he stood up and bumped his head on something. "Ow," he muttered.

"Well, I certainly hope that the crate you mentioned is large enough to supply everyone who drinks coffee for at least a month until the next supply run gets here," Dr. Quinn said to stormy as he walked over to him. "Well, Captain Murphy said that it should be enough as long as we ration it. He did the math and stuff after checking the individual manifest for the crate and comparing it with the population of Sealab," Stormy said.

"Wow," Dr. Quinn said, "I'm actually impressed. But, then again, we're talking about sweets here, so of course Captain Murphy would put time and effort into _that_." "Yup. He even gave me a copy of the charts and stuff that he used," Stormy said before he pulled the folded up papers from his pocket and handed them to Dr. Quinn.

"Hmm," Dr. Quinn said as he looked over the papers. "Wait a minute," he said as he looked at the population charts. "This was Sealab's population _before_ the Lawndale move! Even if we ration it, there still won't be enough to last until the next supply shuttle arrives," Dr. Quinn groaned. "Um... is that bad?" Stormy asked him. "Yes, Stormy. This is _very_ bad," Dr. Quinn replied before sighing at their predicament.

"Hey, Doc?" Stormy asked him. "Yeah?" "Why _are_ we low on coffee supplies anyway?" "You know, that's a good question. "I'm gonna go find Captain Murphy and ask him about the last supply run," Dr. Quinn said.

Line Break

"Someone raided my kitchen!" Amy Barksdale roared in anger. "Who dared to come in here and steal my food and beverages without my permission!?" "Shh," Daria whispered as she came out of her bedroom. "You'll wake Jane," Daria added.

"Daria, why aren't you on the bridge right now? You do still have a... wait, that smell... Daria, at least let me know ahead of time if you and Jane are going to-oh, hi Tom," Amy said as she saw Tom poke his head out of Daria's bedroom door. "It was the only way to calm her down. She needs her caffeine, Amy. We had to wear her out or else she would have gone crazy," Daria explained in a whisper.

"So, how much of my coffee did you give her?" Amy asked. "Just enough to keep her energized for... um, I guess three rounds," Daria said. "Wow. Youthful vitality," Amy commented. "Yeah, but Tom had to sit out the second round, though, so I had to take care of Jane by myself until he could recover for the third round," Daria said.

"Oh. Um... well, could I perhaps have what's left of my coffee supplies then?" Amy asked her as politely as she could. "Sure, just give me a few seconds," Daria replied before disappearing into the bedroom.

Line Break

"You did what!?" Dr. Quinn shouted at Captain Murphy. "Well, I needed more room for cupcake supplies, and I figured, hey, there's enough coffee for us to ration, so why not?" Murphy replied. "Captain, that only would have worked with Sealab's population _before_ the arrival of the residents from Lawndale! There are too many people living here now for that to work!" Dr. Quinn said.

"Um... oops," Captain Murphy said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Dammit, Captain, this could have worse consequences than when you kept those fighting dogs!" "Uh, the what now?" Murphy replied curiously. "Those Guatemalan fighting dogs, remember?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Oh yeah, right, those... I wonder what happened to them," Murphy pondered thoughtfully.

Date: Wednesday, December 18th, 2021

After the coffee supplies ran low, Sealab descended into chaos. Marauding gangs of thugs grabbed transportation carts and began driving around, searching for their precious coffee supplies. Much of Sealab had become a series of battle-zones between the people who still had coffee and those who did not. The body count was horrible.

Those who did not crave caffeine were mostly left to themselves, but they were few and far between. Some denizens had set up safe zones where the remaining coffee supplies were rationed, but the marauders were too caught up in their craze for violence to truly communicate in a civilized manner.

" **Give us your coffee!** " Timothy O'Neill shouted into a megaphone at the people who had barricaded themselves into a recreation room. He was wearing some kind of mask and his voice had taken on a deep and gravelly tone. " **There's been too much violence. Too much pain! We can settle this peacefully if you just hand over the coffee! No one has to get hurt. Just hand it over and walk away. Just walk away and we can put an end to the horror** ," he said.

"You can TAKE IT when you pry it from my COLD, dead HANDS!" Commander DeMartino shouted at him from behind the barricade. "Yeah, you tell him, Mr. D!" Kevin Thompson said with a fist in the air. "Shut up, Kevin!" DeMartino snapped.

"Well, I gave them a chance," O'Neill said as he sat back down in his transport cart, which had been adorned with spikes and sports equipment from the New Lawndale High gymnasium. O'Neill looked behind his cart at the others. The cheerleaders had all adorned themselves with foot ball uniforms and spikes, going so far as to dye their hair, with one of them having a red Mohawk.

"Cheer-mongers! Chaaarge!" O'Neill shouted as his gang started their engines and drove towards the barricade at the break-neck speed of five miles per hour. DeMartino watched as the carts moved forward, eventually ramming into the barricade, pushing it back ever so slightly. " **Back up and ram again! We'll break through the barricade eventually!** " O'Neill shouted to his followers.

Line Break

Captain Murphy sat down in a chair on the bridge and slowly ate his delicious cupcakes. "Aw, sweet fluffy tastiness! The destroyer of sorrows and bringer of hope!" Murphy said with a blissful expression on his face. "Um, Captain, you do know that people are rioting and going out of control throughout the station, right?" Sparks asked him from his seat.

"Uh-huh, whatever," Murphy replied dismissively. Sparks sighed and looked back at his game of Solitaire. Suddenly, Dr. Quinn arrived on the bridge. "Okay, does anyone know where the spare security equipment is stored?" he asked.

"Yeah, but why?" Sparks asked him. "Three fourths of the Sealab Security force are gone, presumably because they all need their coffee. Only a handful of people remain, and only four of them are seasoned and experienced. The rest are all rookies," Dr. Quinn said.

"Hmm, rookies rhymes with cookies," Captain Murphy said thoughtfully. Sparks and Dr. Quinn both turned their heads to stare at him for a minute, before resuming their conversation. "So, anyway, how many people are still rational?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "Um... I don't really know. Stormy doesn't have a caffeine problem, but he's still _Stormy,_ " Dr. Quinn said.

"Yeah, that doesn't really help us, does it?" Sparks replied. "Marco is trying to keep order in engineering, but he can only do so much with so few personnel," Dr. Quinn said. "What about Lieutenant Commander Barch?" Sparks asked him. "Well... see, the thing is... she joined Mr. O'Neill as part of his marauding gang," Dr. Quinn replied.

"I didn't know she had a caffeine problem," Sparks said. "She _doesn't_. She's just using this as an excuse to go around beating up as many men as she can find," Dr. Quinn explained with an exasperated sigh. "Oh, I almost forgot about that little problem of hers," Sparks said.

"What about Lieutenant Barksdale?" Dr. Quinn asked Sparks. "Uh... I'm actually not sure where she is right now. I know that she likes coffee, but I don't know _how much_ she likes it, so she could be on either side right now," Sparks replied. Just then, Amy strode into the room, tired and fatigued. Her uniform looked roughed-up, and she was sporting a bruise around her eye.

"Amy, what happened?" Sparks asked with a hint of concern. "Coffee... bandits... lunatics," she explained with ragged breathing. "I beat them off... with a wrench. That didn't sound right," Amy said. "It's okay," Sparks said. "So... what do we do?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. Just then, one of the monitors came to life on the screen, showing Upchuck's face.

"Lieutenant Ruttheimer, what's the situation?" Sparks asked him. " _They're trying to break through to the reactor room! I keep telling them that we don't have any coffee, but they won't listen!_ " he screamed. "Ruttheimer, calm down," Sparks said. " _I would if_ _ **Hesh**_ _would stop bragging about the coffee that we_ _ **do not have!**_ " Upchuck replied.

"Wait, what?" Sparks asked him. " _Hesh keeps taunting them by saying that we have tons of coffee, even though we don't! I can't just kick him out of here, I need his help to keep the reactor room running properly, since there's only four of us in here!_ " Upchuck said. "Is Marco in there with you?" Sparks asked him. " _No! It's just me, Hesh, Miller, and Carter,_ " Upchuck replied.

" _Yeah! Come on, bitches! We've got more coffee in here than you can dream of! Just try getting in here to take it away from us!_ " Hesh shouted at the door where angry thumping could be heard. " _Hesh, shut the fuck up!_ " Upchuck shouted at him before returning his attention to the communication console.

"Um... we'll send someone down there to help you," Sparks said. " _Please do! I don't think I can keep my cool much longer, and if Hesh doesn't shut up soon, there's only gonna be_ _ **three**_ _of us in here!_ " Upchuck said. Sparks ended the transmission.

"Okay, Dr. Quinn, who's left on the security team?" Sparks asked him. "Um... Tommy Sherman is capable... all things considered," Dr. Quinn said. "What about Commander Li?" Sparks asked him. "She's locked herself in a safe with her personal coffee stash. She's refusing to come out and do her job," Dr. Quinn replied. "What about Lieutenant Winters?" Sparks asked. "She's taken over since Li has decided to shirk her responsibilities," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Can we send her down with Sherman to take care of the reactor room?" Sparks asked. "We can try to get a hold of her," Dr. Quinn said. They both heard a sigh and looked over to see Amy sitting down next to Captain Murphy. "So tired," she said. "Cookies need love like everything does," Captain Murphy said sagely.

"What?" the other three asked him in bewilderment. "But... I only ordered supplies for baking cupcakes, not cookies," Murphy said thoughtfully as he rubbed his chin. "Then again, I do love cupcakes more than cookies, so I guess that's okay," he said to himself before plopping another cupcake into his mouth.

"Right, um, let's contact Lieutenant Winters," Sparks said. Dr. Quinn eyed Captain Murphy and began to think of a plan while Sparks contacted Lieutenant Sasha Winters. " _I can send Sherman over there and maybe Sergeant Brooke, but I need to stay here and provide centralized logistics and command for the others. And I need to keep an eye on Commander Li,_ " Sasha Winters said. "Fair enough. We'll tell Lieutenant Ruttheimer that help is on the way," Sparks replied.

Sparks then called up the reactor room, while Dr. Quinn walked over to Captain Murphy. "Um, Captain, do you realize that if the gangs and crowds don't get under control soon, they may destroy your Happy Bake Oven and cupcake supplies by accident?" he said. Captain Murphy whipped his head in Dr. Quinn's direction, his eyes wide with shock.

"Oh my god! We need to round up those barbarians right away!" Captain Murphy said as he stood up, holding a cupcake in his hand. He walked over to the intercom system. "Attention all coffee lovers, there is a large supply of coffee in the gladiator arena in Pod Fourteen. Please proceed to Pod Fourteen! All security personnel please escort the coffee lovers to Pod Fourteen, for the games will begin after they all arrive," Captain Murphy announced.

"Gladiator arena?" Amy asked in confusion. "Oh yeah. Most people call it the big football stadium, but I prefer gladiator arena. It sounds so much better that way, don't you agree?" Captain Murphy replied. "Now, to the arena!" Murphy said.

In the Sealab Big Sports Stadium Gladiator Arena...

Captain Murphy sat near the front of the stadium seats, with a plate of cupcakes held securely in a dish and a cup of soda in his hand. Amy and Sparks sat next to each other, holding hands and drinking cups of water or soda, while Dr. Quinn and Debbie Dupree sat next to each other, watching the large number of coffee bandits being herded into the arena.

Daria and Tom sat next to each other while Elsie and Jodie and Mack watched with interest through binoculars. Jane sat between Daria and Tom, tired and snoring. Both of her lovers kept an eye on her while watching the arena being filled up. A few teachers, including Mr. Phelps, Mr. Deckard, and Miss Defoe, sat down near the front, eating popcorn. Kevin and Brittany sat near the front row. Brittany had Kevin strapped to the seat to prevent him from leaping down into the arena.

Hesh Hepplewhite stood up near one of the rails of the stadium, until Upchuck "accidentally" pushed him over, sending him falling into the arena with the other challengers. "Oops, clumsy me," Upchuck said as he walked over and took a seat near Dr. Quinn and Debbie Dupree.

Captain Shanks sat next to Captain Murphy, eating a sandwich. After the arena had been filled with all of the surviving coffee lovers, Captain Murphy stood up in a grand gesture, extending a hand out while holding a megaphone with the other. He scanned the crowds sitting in the seats and the people in the arena.

" **Now, by the will of the gods, you will all fight for our pleasure! Those of you who survive will have bestowed upon them the gift of the gods' love in the form of the holy beverage known as coffee!** " Captain Murphy shouted with the megaphone. His statement was punctuated by a grand flash of lightning and a roar of thunder.

Sparks looked around in confusion. "Wait, how can we have-" he was cut off when Amy sealed her lips to his fervently. Daria looked over and turned her gaze away. Tom decided to distract her with a kiss, and both of them did this in front of a barely conscious Jane.

Down in the arena, Timothy O'Neill looked up and around at his opponents, some of whom were trying to back away. "My followers, let not those cowards run from us without the blood and sweat of battle upon them, for we shall rise victorious with their own blood and sweat upon our brows and bosoms! Fight, for the glory of Arabica!" he shouted as he led a charge of cheerleaders at several other people.

[Begin Montage, set to the song Nothing's Gonna Stand In Our Way, by Spectre General, from the soundtrack for Transformers The Movie (1986)]

Anthony DeMartino stabs a sword into Janet Barch's chest.

O'Neill cuts off the head of Hesh Hepplewhite with a grin on his face.

Captain Murphy eats a cupcake with a gleam in his eyes.

Two teenagers swing battle axes at each other, slicing their bodies in half.

Lightning streaks through the sky... of the dome... underwater. It is awesome.

Amy and Sparks cheer at someone off-screen.

Angela Li fights DeMartino with a spear. He blocks her attack and jumps over her, swinging his sword and decapitating her.

Captain Shanks eats his sandwich while not paying attention to anything.

Two cheerleaders rip their clothes off and start making out, causing several coffee gladiators to become distracted, allowing O'Neill the chance to kill them easily.

Jodie and Mack gaze down at the proceedings with huge smiles on their faces.

A man walking around selling popcorn in the stadium gets a spear through the chest and falls over, dead. Brittany Taylor just pushes his body aside while taking some popcorn.

Sandi Griffin swings a chain with a spiked ball at DeMartino, who manages to duck and roll forward, surprising Sandi and stabbing her through the chest with his sword.

Quinn and Stacey hold each other's hands and gaze longingly at each other while occasionally watching the violent proceedings below. They both take a sip of their sodas.

A security officer throttles Mrs. Bennett with her bare hands.

O'Neill swings a sword at Shaggy and cuts him in half. He hollers in victory before moving on to the next opponent.

Blood and guts fly up into the stadium seats.

Soon, only DeMartino and O'Neill are left standing, although the two cheerleaders from earlier are now engaged in graphic sexual activities with each other.

Amy and Sparks lean forward with interest as they watch the final showdown.

Daria is now sitting in Tom's lap, having intense, but mostly clothed, sex with him while watching the proceedings.

Elsie is sipping a soda through a straw while using binoculars to stare at the two cheerleaders in the arena.

Mr. Phelps is sitting in a seat, sipping a cup of tea while wearing a monocle. He nods his head in approval as DeMartino and O'Neill circle each other.

[Montage ends]

"This is it," DeMartino said as he stared down his opponent. "One shall rise, one shall fall," O'Neill said confidently. DeMartino and O'Neill raised their weapons. "For coffee!" they both shouted. Then they charged at each other.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: Hunger, by Spectre General, from the soundtrack for Transformers The Movie (1986).

* * *

Here is episode 22. Originally, the coffee lovers were going to break into the reactor room and make Sealab explode, but I decided that the gladiator arena was much more satisfying. It's also a reference to a similar ending from the episode, Raising Quinn, where Quinn and Stormy are trapped in a recurring time loop. The next episode will feature the Fashion Club, philosophy, and robots.


	9. I, Fashion-bot

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 023 [2-09]: I, Fashionbot

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…  
_ _  
I guess I'll have to be direct  
_ _  
If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Friday, December 20th, 2021

Quinn Morgendorffer turned on the TV in the living room as she ate her cereal silently. " _-klok will be performing a special concert in Norway on December 28th, from eleven thirty to one a.m., to help usher in the new year,_ " the news anchor said. " _The concert will be broadcast live from Norway around the world. In other news, Mr. Snuggle Wuggle, the first kitten to have its brain transferred into a robot body, died last night after a hair-ball clogged up its circuitry and short-circuited its body. Doctors and scientists are still trying to figure out how it managed to get a hairball inside of its body in the first place, though,_ " the anchor continued.

Quinn gasped. "Aw, that poor kitty!" "What about a kitty?" Daria asked as she entered the living room and headed for the kitchen. "A kitten that had its brain transferred into a robot body died from a hairball messing with its circuits. It's just so _sad!_ " Quinn explained. "Uh-huh. Well that's... wait, how did a robot body get a hairball in the first place?" Daria asked.

"How can you focus on trivial details like that when a poor innocent kitty has died?" Quinn asked her sister. "Um... because that detail is actually kind of _important_ ," Daria replied firmly. "You just don't care about animals," Quinn said before she resumed eating her cereal.

Amy walked past the two of them on her way into the kitchen. "Quinn, if you make a mess on that floor, you're cleaning it up," Amy said as she got her coffee maker ready. Daria looked over at her. "Um, Amy, aren't you almost out of coffee until the next shipment comes in?" she asked her aunt. "I'm not making coffee. I'm making hot chocolate," Amy replied.

"Oh. Okay," Daria said before making her way into the kitchen and grabbing some breakfast and sitting down at the table. A minute later, Stacey exited Quinn's room and entered the kitchen, wearing one of Quinn's shirts. Amy and Daria both looked at her. "Um... morning," she said after realizing that Amy and Daria were staring at her.

Line Break

In the girls' bathroom at New Lawndale High...

"And all Daria could care about was how a hairball could get inside a robot body. I mean, come on, a kitten _died_ ," Quinn said. "Hmm... a robot body?" Sandi Griffin asked. "You know, a robot body could stay youthful looking for, like, forever and stuff," Sandi said. "Are you even listening?" Quinn asked her, "A kitten has died! Why am I the only person who cares about that!?"

"You know... she has... a point," Tiffany said to Quinn. "A robot body... would looook however you waant... for eveeeerrr," Tiffany said. "Stacey, you care about the kitty, right?" Quinn asked Stacey. "I bet that if they'd built that robot body better, the kitty wouldn't have died," Stacey said.

"Um... okay," Quinn said. "Hey, Sandi?" Tiffany asked her, "If you could, would you... put your brain... in a robot body?" "Hmm... I wouldn't want to look like a metal freak," Sandi said. "You would look... exactly the same," Tiffany said. "How do you know that?" Sandi asked her.

"Um... I just do," Tiffany replied with a shrug. This was good enough for Sandi. Meanwhile, Daria was sitting on the toilet in one of the stalls next to them, listening to their conversation since it involved the word robot. "What about you, Stacey?" Tiffany asked. "Gee, I don't know," Stacey said. "I like my body. I _love_ my body," she said huskily. "I love it too," Quinn whispered in her ear.

"You would still have your good looks and voice," Tiffany said. "Yeah, and since, like, your robot body would never age, you wouldn't have to worry about, like, wearing old person clothes and stuff," Sandi added. "Hmm..." Stacey mumbled as she thought about this. Just then, Jodie Landon walked into the bathroom. "Hey, Jodie," Stacey said, "Would you ever put your brain in a robot body?"

"Huh? Um, why?" Jodie asked. "You'd have eternal beauty _and_ the strength of five men," Sandi said. "Not five men, five _gorillas!_ " Andrea LaGotha said as she exited a stall. "Of course, with that kind of strength, if you'd try to pet a kitten, you'd crush it."

"[Audible gasp!] Poor kitty!" Quinn exclaimed with an audible gasp. "Yeah," Andrea said. Brittany Taylor walked in then. "What the? Why are there so many people in here at the end of the day? Are the other bathrooms full?" she asked rhetorically. Just then, Daria exited her stall and washed her hands before leaving the bathroom.

Line Break

"That's all anybody wanted to talk about today," Daria said to Sparks as they monitored communications. Well, she was doing actual work while Sparks played Solitaire. "You know, I believe something similar to that happened here once," Sparks said. "Really?" Daria asked him. "Yup, right down to the part about the gorillas," Sparks said. "When did everyone finally stop talking about it?" Daria asked him.

"Hmm, you know, I really don't remember that well. I do know that an explosion of some kind was involved, though," Sparks said. Just then, there was an urgent message from Daria's console. " _Pod Six is flooding from hull damage! We need help to get it fixed!_ "

"Understood. I'll send someone out there right away," Daria said. "Come in, Lieutenant Barksdale," Daria said. " _Daria, you can call me Amy, you know,_ " Amy said. "That would be inappropriate. Anyway, can you take someone outside to fix the hull breach in Pod Six?" Daria asked her. " _Sure, I'll get right on that,_ " Amy replied.

"Say, Daria, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?" Sparks asked her jokingly.

Line Break

"And so, like, my robot body would have perfect C-cup breasts and legs that could run at twenty miles per hour," Sandi said. "Hmm, but if you're a robot, what would be the point of having breasts?" Jodie asked her. "Um, obviously to let guys know that I am a woman! Duh!" Sandi replied.

"Wait... would we still have reproductive parts?" Stacey asked curiously. "Umm, no ovaries, because getting pregnant would make you look fat," Tiffany said. "Yeah, and stretch marks are, like, eww!" Sandi said. "Yeah," Quinn said in agreement as they stood in a hallway near the Sealab Arcade, which was located next to Grizzlebee's and Electro-Mart. "Hmm, could my robot body be that of a graceful Siberian tiger?" Brittany asked. "You would look... exactly the same," Tiffany replied.

"Hmm, I'm going to have large wings attached to my robot body, so that I can fly everywhere," Andrea said. "You won't have wings," Tiffany said. "Hey, as a robot, could I have a clitoris that would vibrate itself to orgasm?" Jodie asked. "Um... yeah, sure," Tiffany said. "Oh, _she_ gets a vibrating clitoris, but _I_ can't have a robot wings?" Andrea asked.

"Okay," Tiffany said, "Everybody gets... a vibrating clitoris." "Fuck yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Stacey exclaimed. "Not me," said Brittany, "I'm going to be a graceful Siberian Tiger-bot! With claws of vengeance and fangs of justice! And my tail will knock evil-doers onto their asses with one swipe!"

"Now what did we just say about the-oh, never mind," Andrea said. "Yeah, and who needs a self-vibrating clit?" Sandi asked. "When the boys see my robot body, they'll all be begging to shove their... oh," Sandi said with disappointment. "Yeah... I guess that wouldn't work out so well with a robot body, would it?" she asked herself.

Line Break

Amy pushed the dolphin away as she tried to work on the hull breach. Dr. Quinn and Mack were also helping her with sealing it, but the dolphins were bothering them too. " _Dammit! I can't get any work done with these dolphins bothering me!_ " Amy exclaimed through her suit.

" _Um, maybe we could ask Mrs. Sloane to help us? I think she does well with dolphins, doesn't she?_ " Mack suggested. " _Good idea. Mack, go get Mrs. Sloane and bring her out here to help us until we can get this fixed,_ " Dr. Quinn said.

Line Break

"But, if the robots are discriminated against, what does that mean for cyborgs?" Daria asked Sparks. "Since cyborgs are human with technological enhancements, that means even someone with glasses such as myself could be considered a cyborg," Daria said. "True, but we're talking about prosthesis and wires and stuff, not just glasses and an arm or a leg," Sparks replied.

"And even then, would the laws that apply to humans be given to the robots in an equal manner, or would things be more severe, including punishment? Would a police officer be allowed or even recommended to use excessive force on someone with a robot body since it can take more punishment than a normal human body, or would they try to treat people the same?" Daria asked him.

"Hmm, a whole new set of ethics would have to be created for this kind of thing," Sparks said in response to Daria's questions.

Line Break

"Hey, what if there's a war," Stacey said, "You know, between humans and robots? Which side would I be on?" "You'd be on the side of the humans, Stacey," Sandi said. "But, her body is a _robot!_ " Andrea exclaimed. "Well, how would anyone tell?" Stacey asked. "Dogs. Dogs would be able to sniff out humans from robots, like in The Terminator," Andrea replied.

"That's how they would hunt you," Tiffany said. "They're gonna hunt us?" Brittany asked. "Yeah," Jodie said, "Which is why we must _crush_ humanity!" "Hmm... but then who would make food for all the kitties?" Quinn asked herself. "Quinn, stop whining about that stupid kitty," Sandi said.

Quinn looked at Sandi with shock in her eyes. "How... _dare you!?"_ " Quinn exclaimed in horror. "Like, we're talking about eternal youth and fashion with robot bodies. That is _so_ much more important than one little kitty," Sandi replied. "Fuck you, Sandi!" Quinn said before she stormed off.

Line Break

 _Listen to me, my cuddly companions_ , Kay Sloane said through her telepathic brain waves, _I beg of you to let these people work in peace._ The dolphins turned to look at Kay Sloane and swam towards her. **Play with us! Play with us! Play with us into oblivion!** _Yes, my aquatic mammal friends, I shall play with you into-wait, what? How about just a few hours?_

 **That works just as well** , the dolphins replied through telepathy. " _Okay, guys, the dolphins will be playing with me until you're done. I'm gonna take them over to one of the moon pools to keep them occupied,_ " Kay said through her suit's radio. " _Sounds good, Mrs. Sloane. Thanks for helping us,_ " Dr. Quinn said.

Line Break

" _Quinn! Meow! Quinn!_ " cried a voice. Quinn turned around in the hallway and gasped. Floating before her in mid-air was the ghost of a kitten. "Mr. Wuggle Buggle?" Quinn asked. " _Actually, it's Snuggle Wuggle, meow,_ " the ghost replied. "Oh. But, why are you down here? Didn't you die on land?" Quinn asked the ghost.

" _Your friends and associates do not care about kitty-kind! They must be punished, meow!_ " Snuggle Wuggle said. "You're right," Quinn said. " _Yes, now, go do my bidding, meow! Punish them, Quinn!_ " he implored her. "Yes! Your bidding is my command, Mr. Snuggle Wuggle!" Quinn exclaimed before running off.

Elsie Sloane watched her curiously before dropping down from a vent. Reaching into her pocket, she retrieved a small scorpion that she had found near a large empty box for a soda machine earlier. She gently petted the scorpion as she saw Quinn disappear after turning a corner.

Line Break

Stormy made his way into the moon pool. Looking over at the pool, he saw Mrs. Sloane with some dolphins. Her voice was high-pitched for some reason. As Stormy got closer, he saw something that he could not un-see. "What are you doing with those dolphins!?" "It's completely n-naturaaallll!" Kay cried out happily.

"Brain bleach, man! I need brain bleach!" Stormy exclaimed as he turned around. He made it half-way through the corridor before stopping in his tracks as he remembered something important. "Wait, didn't Dr. Quinn say he needed my help with something outside? Oh, man, he did!"

Stormy then turned around. "Wait, remember what's back that way, Stormy," he said to himself in trepidation. "Although... there _are_ other moon pools in Sealab. I'll just... go find another one," he said to himself before walking in a different direction.

Line Break

"So... how exactly do we keep the humans from rising up against us?" Sandi asked. "Hmm... We could, like, let them dress nicely once a month," Tiffany suggested. "Oh, please! We'll lose a war with the humans, because human bodies will still have reproductive organs, so they can keep pumping out little baby humans to fight! Our robot bodies can't do that!" Jodie said.

"Yeah, and we'll still need humans to service us and fix us when the bodies break down or have malfunctions," Andrea said. "But, if we lose the war with the humans, then what happens to us?" Stacey asked. "The humans will probably make us live on a reservation with the other robots, and they will _screw us!_ " Jodie said. Stacey raised an eyebrow. "But I thought our bodies-" "Not that way," Sandi said, interrupting Stacey.

"What if we could build other robots to fix us so that we wouldn't _need_ to use the humans!?" Jodie suggested. "Yeah, but then... wait, I just realized, what happens if our robot bodies are exposed to an Electro-Magnetic Pulse, or lots or static? Would our human brains keep the bodies functioning, or would they shut down completely?" Andrea asked.

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of that," Tiffany said thoughtfully. "Hey, where did Quinn go?" Stacey asked as she looked around. "Who cares?" Sandi asked. "I care," Stacey said quietly.

Line Break

" _Marco, I need you to help Mack attach that hose to that coupling over there, and then release that valve afterwards,_ " Amy said through her suit's radio. " _You got it!_ " Marco replied. He swam over and helped Mack with the hose, before giving the okay signal to Amy.

Just then, there was a flash of light, and then a shock wave. " _What the hell is going on!?_ " Amy cried out. " _It's Pod Eight! It's gone!_ " Dr. Quinn said. " _What!? I thought that Pod Six was the one with the damage,_ " Amy replied.

" _Um, oh, yeah. See, um, Pod Eight also had a hull breach two days ago, but we thought that we fixed it,_ " Marco explained. " _Wait, what did you guys use to fix it?_ " Dr. Quinn asked Marco suspiciously. " _Um... we used duct tape,_ " Marco admitted shamefully. " _ **What!?**_ _You moron!_ " Dr. Quinn exclaimed. " _Yeah, what the hell, Marco!?_ " Amy cried out.

" _Oh, come on! Pod Eight was full of jerks! Nobody liked those guys,_ " Marco said. " _So? They still had the Adult Fantasy store!_ " Amy exclaimed. " _Well, don't we have another one?_ " Marco asked. " _Yes, but it's all the way over at Pod Thirty!_ " Amy replied angrily. " _Well, at least you won't have to worry about returning anything you rented from there,_ " Marco said.

" _That's not the point, Marco,_ " Amy said. " _Yeah. A lot of people just died, and we should be taking some time to mourn them... even if they_ _ **were**_ _all assholes,_ " Dr. Quinn said. " _Hey, where's Mack?_ " Amy asked as she looked around.

" _Um, I think he's right over there,_ " Marco said, pointing at the person who was stuck in a hole in the hull. " _And we just tried to fix that!_ " Dr. Quinn exclaimed. " _Help, someone please help me!_ " Mack cried out over his suit's radio.

Line Break

Quinn made her way over to the reactor room. "Oh... I don't have clearance to get in here," she said sadly. "I'll have to punish Sandi some other way," she said before turning around. Eventually, she made her way into Pod 06, where she soon found Mack sticking through a hole in the hull, blocking the water.

"Mack, I need someone to rant to," Quinn said. " _Oh come on, why me?_ " Mack asked her through his suit. "Just shut up and listen," Quinn snapped at him.

Line Break

"But what happens if the robots built for fixing us decide to revolt against us, or even side with the humans?" Jodie asked. "Hmm... we would program them to hate humans," Sandi said. "But don't we have have human brains? Wouldn't that make them hate _us_ as well?" Andrea asked her. "Oh, right," Sandi said.

"Wait, what if our brains get brain tumors!?" Stacey asked. "Your robot body... would be a brain surgeon," Tiffany said. "What? Oh, come on!" Jodie exclaimed. "Yeah, that's just ridiculous," Andrea said.

Line Break

" _Hey, Doctor Quinn!_ " Stormy shouted as he swam over to the group. " _Stormy, we need you to help us get Mack here unstuck from this hole in the hull,_ " Dr. Quinn said, ushering Stormy over. " _Wow, half of him is inside and half of him is outside. What will we plug the hole with after we get him out?_ " Stormy asked.

" _Um... does Pod Six have the modular corridors that can seal shut?_ " Amy asked Dr. Quinn with concern. " _Actually... I'm not sure,_ " he replied. " _But still, how do we get Mack out of there?"_ " Amy asked. " _Maybe we could ask Mrs. Sloane to send a dolphin or two over here to help,_ " Marco suggested. " _No! You-you don't wanna know what she was doing with those dolphins!_ " Stormy exclaimed.

" _Um... Stormy? Is there something we should know?_ " Amy asked him. " _Well, earlier, when I was heading to a moon pool to get suited up to come out here..._ "

Twenty minutes later...

" _Oh my god!_ " Amy exclaimed. " _That sick woman!_ " Dr. Quinn shouted. " _Dos Mio! What the hell is_ _ **wrong**_ _with that family!? The daughter is terrifying, the father is a lunatic who wears his shirts weird and spouts nonsense, the mother is a telepath who is into bestiality, and the son is... actually kind of normal, now that I think about it,_ " Marco said.

Line Break

"And none of them cared about Mr. Snuggle Wuggle, which is why his ghost has tasked me with avenging him and punishing Sandi and the others!" Quinn finished with a fist in the air. " _Um, that's nice and all, but if you could just walk to the other side of that door and seal the bulkheads of this corridor to prevent flooding, that would be nice. Oh, and make sure that you're on the other side of the bulkheads when you do it, please?_ "

"Sure, whatever. You're boring to be around anyway," Quinn said. " _Finally,_ " Mack said to himself.

Line Break

"But if you mix hot chocolate with milk, it adds a richer taste to the drink," Daria said. "Yes, but then the milk adds fat, and while I don't care about that, if I serve it to someone who's picky, then I get in trouble," Sparks replied. "True, but you could always tell them to take it or leave it," Daria countered.

Just then, Jane and Tom entered the bridge, followed by Sandi, Stacey, Jodie, Andrea, Brittany, and Tiffany. "Hey, Daria, do you know how we can get them to stop following us?" Tom asked her. "Leave us alone!" Jane shouted at the girls.

"But you'll have the strength of five gorillas!" Stacey said. "That kind of strength would damage my art supplies," Jane retorted. "Why did you lead them in here?" Sparks asked Tom. "I thought that they would be locked out since they don't have clearance... but I was wrong," Tom replied.

"Look, why don't you-" " _Help, this is Pod Seven! We have a catastrophic leak!_ " "Oh, come on!" Sparks growled. "First Pod Six has a leak, then Pod Eight explodes, and now Pod Seven has a leak!? What the hell did Marco fix those with the other day, duct tape!?" Sparks asked in exasperation.

" _Marco's duct tape isn't holding anymore! We need help!_ " a crewman shouted. "Motherfucker," Sparks muttered. "Duct... tape?" Daria asked with a raised eyebrow. "Marco's been getting lazy again. And Dr. Quinn is still out with Amy at Pod Six," Sparks said.

" _We need help!_ " "Shut up! You'll get your damn help after Pod Six is fixed!" Sparks snapped at the screen. He then cut the feed. " _This is Pod Ten! We have a leak! The duct tape Marco used isn't working anymore!_ " "Goddammit, Marco!" Sparks shouted in anger.

Line Break

" _Okay, on three, two, one, pull!_ " Dr. Quinn said as he, Amy, Stormy, and Marco grabbed Mack and pulled him out of the hole. The water went into the hole filling up the corridor. " _Oh man, now the whole pod is gonna flood!_ " Stormy exclaimed.

" _No it won't. I had White Quinn seal off the corridor with the modular safety bulkheads,_ " Mack explained. " _Oh. So Pod Six_ _ **does**_ _have modular corridors,_ " Dr. Quinn mused thoughtfully. " _I am so glad to be out of that hole. If I had to listen to White Quinn talk about robot bodies and cats any longer, I would have gone insane,_ " Mack said.

Dr. Quinn raised an eyebrow. " _Say what?_ "

Several hours later...

"Please, someone make it stop," Sparks sobbed with his head in his hands as he leaned against his console. The troupe of girls were still arguing about robot bodies, and none of them had left the bridge. Quinn had managed to enter the bridge earlier and had tried to attack Sandi, only to be incapacitated by the other girls and tied to a chair.

Just then, Dr. Quinn entered the bridge and looked at the girls in disgust. "Oh, not this bullshit again," he said to himself as he walked over to them. "Okay, ladies, listen up! You do not want to have robot bodies," Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "Why not?" Sandi asked him. "We'd be, like, beautiful forever!" "Yeah," Tiffany added.

"Okay then, how do you plan on having sex with a robot body? Hmm? Did you ever think of that?" he asked them. "Yes, we did," Stacey said. "Huh?" Dr. Quinn asked her. "We decided that our robot bodies will all have a functional clitoris that can vibrate whenever we want it to, thus ensuring that we can still feel pleasure," Jodie explained.

"Uh... well, there goes my best argument," Dr. Quinn said sheepishly. "Um... why is White Quinn tied up to a chair?" Dr. Quinn asked them. "She tried to attack Sandi. She was raving about cat ghosts and stuff," Andrea explained. "Cat... ghosts?" Dr. Quinn asked her.

"We don't get it either," Andrea said with a shrug.

"Hey, did you fix Pod Seven?" Sparks asked Dr. Quinn. "Yeah. We got that duct tape replaced with some actual hull material," Dr. Quinn said. "Marco's been using duct tape to fix everything lately," Sparks said angrily. "Yeah, I mean, how stupid can someone be?" Dr. Quinn asked. "As long as he didn't fix that reactor problem the other week with duct tape," Sparks said with a chuckle.

Both men laughed, until the implications of that statement sunk in. "Oh... could you, um, call up the reactor room?" Dr. Quinn asked Sparks. "Sure. Hey, Daria, can you-Daria?" Sparks asked as he looked around the room. Daria, Jane, and Tom were nowhere to be seen.

"Where the hell did they go?" he asked. He heard faint banging noises and moans coming from one of the closets. "Oh, who cares. I have more important things to worry about right now," he said. " _This is Hesh speaking,_ " Hesh replied over the console screen. "Hey, Hesh, um, when Marco fixed that reactor problem last week, how did he fix it?" Sparks asked him.

" _The dumbass used freaking duct tape! Lieutenant Junior Grade Ruttheimer is trying to fix it with proper tools right now. That reminds me, Hesh needs to check in with Ruttheimer shortly. I turned off the warning klaxons earlier because they were hurting my ears,_ " Hesh said. "You did what? Why?" Dr. Quinn asked him. " _Those things are loud, man! And I mean loud, especially when they're announcing that stuff is going critical, you know?_ "

"What!?" Sparks and Dr. Quinn both exclaimed.

Two minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: Lithium Flower, by Scott Mathew, Tim Jensen, and Yoko Kanno, from Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex OST 1.

* * *

Alternate Ending:

"Saaaaaaaaaannnndiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Quinn yelled as she tore through the hallway, before she leapt into the air and pounced on Sandi Griffin. She slammed Sandi onto the floor. "You shall pay for your misdeeds, cat-hater!" Quinn snapped before she slammed a fist into Sandi's face. She immediately rew her hand back and held it tenderly.

"Owie! Your face is like a rock!" Quinn cried as she bounced around. "That," Sandi said as she stood up, "Is because I... am a _cyborg!_ " Sandi pulled open the top of her uniform, exposing her bare chest. Tiffany and Jodie both stared at her with blushes on their faces.

"Hmm, Quinn's are better proportioned," Stacey said as she scrutinized Sandi's breasts. Elsie Sloane popped her head out of a vent and began salivating at the sight. Sandi sighed and then pressed her left hand to her chest, causing it to light up as an outline of a square appeared. She then pulled her hand away, also taking part of her chest with it, revealing the circuitry and instruments beneath.

"Oh my god!" Jodie exclaimed. "That is so... unexpected," Tiffany said. "I knew they were fake," Andrea commented. "Wait... Sandi, if you were already a cyborg, then why were you acting so curious earlier about having a robot body?" Stacey asked her. "I never acted curious," Sandi lied. "Yes, you did!" Stacey retorted. "Yeah, that is a huge plot hole... I think!" Jodie exclaimed.

"It doesn't matter," Quinn said, "Sandi insulted kitty-kind!" She assumed a fighting stance, which Sandi reciprocated. " **Opponents... Fight!** " Elsie Sloane said through her voice modulator. Two health bars appeared in the air, one over Sandi and one over Quinn. The other girls all looked up in curiosity at them.

Quinn rushed forward and punched Sandi in the head repeatedly, until Sandi sent her flying back with a round-house kick to the torso. Sandi jumped in the air and delivered a kick to Quinn once more before jumping back. Quinn leapt up and delivered a sonic boom to Sandi, who blocked it with a shield.

Line Break

"Oh, come on, Frylock!" Meatwad cried as Frylock repeatedly presed the combo buttons on the controller to use Sandi's abilities to stun Quinn. "Hey, quit whining, Meatwad. There, I'll give you a chance to get back up. Happy now?" Frylock asked. "Yes," Meatwad said.

"Hey, do you think we should untie Shake?" Meatwad asked Frylock. "No, Meatwad. He _likes_ being tied up and having tape cover his mouth for hours at a time," Frylock lied. "Oh, okay," Meatwad replied.

* * *

I couldn't decide which ending I really wanted, so included both of them, with this alternate ending as a bonus.


	10. Seriously

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 024 [2-10]: Seriously

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Saturday, December 28th, 2021

The cargo submarine Aquarius made its way through the depths of the Pacific Ocean, staying on course. Inside, however the commanding officer ordered his crew to change course.

Sparks and Daria both looked at the video of the sub. Captain Murphy was dutifully standing behind them, watching the video with interest. "Captain, that cargo sub is heading for trouble," Sparks said. "How so?" Daria asked him. "On their current heading, they're heading directly to Sea Mount," Sparks said.

"Contact Aquarius immediately and notify them of the danger," Murphy said. "Affirmative," Sparks said. "Aquarius, this is Sealab. Come in, Aquarius," Sparks said. " _Sealab, this is Aquarius. We're having difficulty reading you, Sealab,_ " replied the radio operator of the Aquarius.

"We can't seem to reach them properly," Sparks said with a frown. "Stay with them, Sparks," Murphy said firmly.

Line Break

On board the Aquarius the First Mate saw the danger ahead. "Captain, Sea Mount is dead ahead," he told his commanding officer. "Right. Full rudder," Captain Glenn said. "She won't respond, sir," navigator reported. "Reverse engines," Glenn ordered. "Reverse engines. All hands, prepare for impact," Glenn said over the intercom.

Aquarius soon rammed into Sea Mount.

Line Break

In one of the moon pools of Sealab, Marco Marquez was helping a small team of divers prepare for their mission. "Okay, Debbie, Stormy, Barch, and Dr. Quinn, Captain Murphy wants a full damage report and assistance required," Marco said. "Understood," Janet Barch said with a nod. "Good luck, team," Marco said as the divers entered the water.

They all grabbed onto a dive-cart and piloted it towards the submarine's coordinates. The dive cart had some spare air tanks attached to it as well as a timer and pressure measuring instruments.

Line Break

Inside Aquarius, the engine room was suffering structural damage and the crew was evacuating the room quickly. Back on the bridge, the navigator was reporting their situation to Captain Glenn. "We're stuck fast, Captain, and we're losing power," he said. Captain Glenn saw Mr. Bryan enter the room.

"Mr. Bryan, status report," Glenn ordered. "I've just come from the nuclear reactor room, and it isn't good. The cooling system for the atomic vial is damaged," Bryan reported. "Repair it, it's routine," Glenn said. "We can't _get_ to it! To make things worse, the temperature of the coolant is rising!" Bryan replied.

"Two-nine-five degrees and rising," Glenn said. "Captain, when the temperature reaches above 600 degrees, the reactor goes critical!" Bryan said. "And everything on Sea Mount will be exposed to lethal doses of radiation," Glenn concluded.

Line Break

The four divers from Sealab soon reached the Aquarius, using scuba-jet-scooters in addition to their dive-cart. "Problems, Brad?" Stormy asked a diver out by the Aquarius. "They've got an oil leak," Brad replied as he pointed at the large cloud of oil leaking from Aquarius. Stormy swam over to Brad. "Rig an air-tent around the damage area and contain the spill," Stormy said.

"Dr. Quinn, please check the extent of that oil leak. Debbie, help him and report to Captain Murphy if it poses a threat to marine life. Barch and I will go inside and see what else needs to be done," Stormy said before he and Barch made their way inside the submarine.

Inside the engineering section, Captain Glenn was working with his crew to fix the damage caused by the crash. "You men shut off the oil-valve and get the reactor hatch open," Glenn ordered. "The hatch is jammed, Captain," Bryan said. "Well, then get some welding tools and cutting torches down here ASAP," Glenn ordered.

At that moment, Stormy and Barch walked over. "Captain, we're from Sealab. Is there anything we can do to help?" Stormy asked him. "Oh, I'm glad to see ya," Glenn said as he extended a hand to Stormy and Barch. They all shook hands.

"Anything you can do will be a big help," Glenn said. "We've got an oil spill," Glenn said. "Oh, the Sealab crew is taking care of that," Stormy said. "We've got some of the best people under the ocean fixing that thing," Barch added. "That's good, because we've got a bigger problem," Glenn said.

"Bigger?" Barch asked him. "Yes. The temperature of our coolant is rising. When it reaches six-hundred degrees, everything goes," Glenn explained. "We've _got_ to bring it under control," Glenn said. "Do you have an estimate or an approximation of how much time we have until that happens?" Barch asked him.

"Maybe five hours, I hope," Glenn replied somberly. "I'd better report back to Captain Murphy and let him know about this," Stormy said. "Murphy? Not Captain _Hazel Murphy?_ " Glenn asked darkly. "Um, yeah. He's in charge of Sealab, along with Captain Shanks," Stormy replied.

"Well, do me a favor and tell Captain Murphy to stay away form my boat!" Glenn said with a frown. "Sure," Barch said suspiciously. "Come on, Stormy," Barch said as they left engineering.

Line Break

Back on the bridge of Sealab, Murphy was giving orders to Sparks and Daria. "Contact the Navy and the Air Force. Give them the coordinates of our evacuation site. We'll also need additional supplies: re-compression chambers, breathing mixtures, the works," Murphy said to them. "Affirmative," Daria said. "Sealab to Hawaii Naval Base," Daria said. "Sealab to Hawaii Naval Base, please respond," Daria reiterated.

"Now, I'm going to get Captain Shanks over here to oversee things while I take Commander DeMartino with me to see Captain Glenn," Murphy said. "Sparks, this is probably Lieutenant Morgendorffer's first major event here on Sealab. If she needs help with something, help her," Murphy said before leaving the room.

"Lieutenant Barksdale, Lieutenant Commander Marquez, and Commander DeMartino, I need you to help me with something," Murphy said as he addressed the three people in front of him firmly. "Barksdale, you and Marquez will be on standby while DeMartino and I go over to the Aquarius and attempt to communicate with Captain Glenn and make a personal assessment of the damage."

"Stormy and Barch have already returned to the Aquarius, but if we need more manpower, then I'll call for the two of you to come on over," Murphy said. "Aye-Aye, Captain," Amy said with a nod of her head. "Good. Come on, DeMartino. Let's go."

Murphy and DeMartino climbed onto the transport scooter as they made their way to th Aquarius. "I'll bet that you're probably wondering why Captain Glenn would just as well not set eyes on me," Murphy said to DeMartino. "I will admit that I am somewhat curious," DeMartino replied. "After all, Stormy and Barch both made it very plain that you certainly weren't at the top of his friendship list, or people to ask for help in an emergency list," DeMartino added.

"Unfortunately, I believe that your second statement may hit very close to home. In fact, were he aware of my stationing here prior to Stormy telling him, there's a good chance that he would have refused all help from us," Murphy said. "Interesting," DeMartino said. "But why does he hold such animosity towards you?" he asked Murphy.

"I suppose I should fill you in," Murphy said. "We were both in the Navy and I was his superior officer at the time. He was in command of a destroyer and abandoned it when it appeared that it was going to sink," Murphy said. "He seriously can't blame _you_ for that," DeMartino said incredulously.

"That's not what he holds against me. That's only half of the story," Murphy said. "See, it turned out that his judgement call was premature. The destroyer _didn't_ sink. He abandoned it prematurely, and then she went on the rocks. As a result of his decision I gave him a bad efficiency report and he's held a grudge against me ever since," Murphy explained.

The duo soon arrived at the Aquarius. "Hey, there's the team," DeMartino said, pointing at Dr. Quinn, Debbie, Stormy, Barch, and Brad as they held an air-tent of some kind around the oil spill. "Good," Murphy said. "Hey, Brad, can you ask Captain Glenn if he'll be kind enough to receive me on his bridge?" "I can try," Brad replied before swimming away.

"Okay, Commander, let's look things over while we're waiting," Murphy said as he and DeMartino disembarked from the scooter and swam over to the sub. "It couldn't be tighter if they had cemented it in," Murphy commented as he looked at the point where the sub was wedged between the rocks.

"It's wedged in there tight," DeMartino said. "Captain, they've tried to pull it out with their engines in reverse, but there's been no success," Stormy said as he swam over. "In fact, all it's done is raise the temperature in the reactor room," Stormy added. Brad soon swan over to them. "Yes, Brad?" Murphy asked him.

"Captain Glenn doesn't want you on his boat. He was... pretty firm," Brad replied. "Well, that's too bad," Murphy said. "Sir?" Brad asked. "I'm going on board anyway," Murphy said. "The safety of Sealab takes precedence over his desires and petty little grudge," Murphy added.

Line Break

"Yes," Daria said, "The coordinates are correct. T-Minus two hours." She then ended the transmission, before sighing in frustration. "Hey, you did a good job," Sparks said. "They didn't want to listen to someone who's only sixteen years old," Daria said bitterly. "Yes, and one day it will bite them in the ass. Just remember to be the better person and keep doing your job to the best of your ability," Sparks said. "Thank you, Sparks," Daria said.

Line Break

"Haven't they cleared that compartment yet?" Glenn asked Bryan. "Soon, Captain. We're working on it," Bryan replied. "Well, how about the cutting torches?" Glenn asked. "They're down there now," Bryan replied. Glenn heard footsteps and looked over to see Commander DeMartino and Captain Murphy.

"Glenn, I've gotta get a look at the Aquarius plans," Murphy said. "So, you came aboard my boat anyway, after I told you to stay out," Glenn said bitterly. "Yes, I did," Murphy retorted with a firm commanding tone. "Don't tell me what to do on my ship, Murphy," Glenn spat.

"It's not only the Aquarius that's in trouble, Glenn; Sealab is in jeopardy as well," Murphy said to him. "And I suppose you're here to say that it's me and my rotten seamanship that got us into this mess, is that it?" Glenn retorted. "No, I didn't say that. Circumstances beyond your control could be responsible for this situation," Murphy said.

"Oh, _could_ be responsible, as though you still believe I'm the primary cause," Glenn retorted. "Glenn, that's not important right now," Murphy said. "The _immediate crisis_ is what's important." "Captain, the temperature is at four-hundred-and-seven and rising!" Bryan said urgently.

Commander DeMartino looked at the thermometers. "If we can't find a way to cool that atomic pod-" "We'd better _find_ a way," Glenn interjected. "Do we work together?" Murphy asked Glenn. Glenn sighed with a frown. "Get the charts, Mr. Bryan," he said.

* * *

 **INSERT SICK, SAD WORLD PROMO SPOT HERE**

* * *

Captain Glenn looked over the blue prints for the sub. "The collision has caused our backup cooling system to malfunction," he said. "We've gotta cut through this hatch in order to reach the reactor," he said, pointing at a diagram. "It'll take hours to cut through a nuclear shield, and I doubt that we'll have that kind of time," Murphy said. "Do you know a better way to get in?" Glenn asked him.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Murphy replied. "Cut your way in through the bottom of the sub, where the shielding isn't as thick," Murphy said. "Does that meet with your approval?" Murphy asked Glenn. "If you can cut through that bottom before the temperature reaches six-hundred degrees, then yes, Captain, it does meet my approval," Glenn replied. "Thank you, Captain," Murphy said.

Barch handled a hose with precision as she awaited orders from Captain Murphy. "Okay, start the pressure going," Murphy said. He then turned to the others. "Once we get a tunnel under the reactor room, we'll need cutting torches," Murphy said. "They're ready when you need them," Dr. Quinn said. "Then we're in good shape," Murphy said.

Line Break

"Four-hundred-and-eighty-three degrees," Bryan said. "I want all hands off the ship, now!" Glenn ordered. "Yes sir!" Bryan said. He grabbed a hold of the intercom. "Attention, abandon ship! All hands, abandon ship!" Bryan said. Dozens of crew members got suited up and quickly fled the submarine.

"Captain, he's ordered his men to abandon ship," Dr. Quinn said. "Yes, and in this scenario, it's the sensible thing to do," Murphy responded.

Line Break

Inside engineering, Bryan found Captain Glenn getting some cutting torches and a welding mask prepared. "Captain, you ordered this ship abandoned," Bryan said. "Yes, and why are you still here, Mr. Bryan?" Glenn asked him. "Because you are! You don't have to do this," Bryan replied. "I don't need help for this, Mr. Bryan. I appreciate it, but I ordered all hands to evacuate, and that includes you," Glenn retorted.

"But, Captain, Sealab's crew is cutting through from underneath," Bryan said. "Maybe they won't be able to get through from underneath in time," Glenn said. "If we have two teams cutting through, that increases the chances of reaching the reactor room before it's too late," Glenn said.

"Now, abandon ship, Mr. Bryan. That's an order. I'll be in touch with you by radio-phone. Also... thank you, Mr. Bryan," Glenn said.

Line Break

"Captain Murphy," Debbie reported, "Captain Glenn is still inside. Mr. Bryan says that he's trying to cut his way into the reactor room on his own." "That idiot!" Murphy exclaimed. "He'll have to insert those carbon rods by hand!" Murphy said with concern. "Without shielding! He'll receive a lethal dose of radiation if he does that! We have to stop him. You all continue with the cutting, DeMartino and I will get in there and try to intercept him before he can get inside," Murphy said.

After reaching one of the doors to engineering, Murphy found that the door was locked from the inside. "Dammit! Is he trying to get himself killed?" Murphy asked. "Captain, perhaps we can contact him via radii or the intercom," DeMartino suggested. "Good idea," Murphy said.

"Glenn," Murphy said into the radio, "Glenn, answer me now!" " _What do you want, Murphy? I thought you were out cutting the plates,_ " Glenn replied over the radio. "Glenn, stop this! You'll get yourself killed if you continue without protection or shielding! Stop this stupid plan of yours!"

" _What's so stupid about trying to reactivate the automatic carbon control system?_ " Glenn retorted. "What happens if you _can't_ reactivate it?" Murphy asked him. " _We'll go critical if the carbon rods can't be inserted,_ " Glenn replied. "Even if you have to do it by hand?" Murphy asked him.

" _It may be the only option,_ " Glenn replied. "Glenn, don't do it! It's too risky!" Murphy shouted over the radio. "Get off this ship!" Murphy said. " _I once abandoned a ship prematurely. Remember, Murphy?_ " Glenn replied. "Yes, Glenn, I remember, but circumstances were different then!" " _You made a very interesting report about it_ ," Glenn said.

"I never questioned your courage, only your _judgement!_ " Murphy said. Glenn hung the radio back up. "Glenn, come in! Glenn, answer me!"

Line Break

Back outside, the Sealab team was almost finished cutting through the first plate. Captain Murphy swam over to the group. "How's it coming?" he asked them. "How much time do we have?" Barch asked him. "At the rate things are going, maybe an hour," Murphy said. "It's gonna be close," Dr. Quinn said.

"Closer than you think," Murphy said. "If we don't beat Glenn into that reactor room, he's going try to reinsert the carbon rods by hand if he can't reactivate the automatic system. He'll receive a lethal dose of radiation," Murphy explained. "DeMartino, what's the temperature reading?" Murphy asked over his suit's radio.

" _Temperature is reading five-hundred and twenty-eight degrees and climbing!_ " DeMartino reported over the radio. A minute later, the team managed to pull off part of the hull. "Dr. Quinn, get that hose ready! We've got a breakthrough!" Murphy exclaimed.

" _Temperature reading is at five-hundred and forty-one degrees!_ " DeMartino reported over the radio. "Come on, move it guys!" Murphy said. Stormy swam into the hole. "Any sign of Glenn?" Murphy asked him. "Yes, he's at the reactor door window. I think he can see me," Stormy replied.

Line Break

"Oh, thank goodness," Glenn said as he turned away and slumped against the door. "Just in time, too." "What the hell was I thinking? Oh, right. Preventing a nuclear incident and saving hundreds of lives," he said to himself sardonically.

Line Break

"All right, Quinn, start spraying coolant to bring down the temperature," Murphy said. "Yes, sir," Dr. Quinn replied as he steadied the hose. "Stormy, prepare to hook up the main line." Stormy soon swam out of the hole. "It's all yours, Quinn," Stormy said as he swam away.

Dr. Quinn soon began spraying the coolant into the reactor room. " _Temperature reading is dropping. Five-hundred and twenty degrees and falling!_ " DeMartino reported over the radio. "All right!" Stormy said.

"Captain Murphy to Deep Diver. Do you read me, Marco?" Murphy asked. " _Yes, Captain. Amy and I have been following the action. Everything looks good. We're bringing the sub in to you guys,_ " Marco said over the radio. "Thank you, Marco. Get ready to take the rest of the crew home," Murphy said. "A few of us still have a job to do," Murphy added.

Later...

Amy stretched her arms as she walked over to Sparks and Daria. Sparks raised an eyebrow appreciatively as she walked over. "It feels good to be back here instead of sitting in that sub for so long," Amy said. "And you'll feel even better tonight," Sparks said with a smirk.

Daria ignored them and focused on monitoring communications. "Captain, the Deep Diver has returned and the crew are safe. How is the sub doing?" Daria asked over the radio.

Line Break

"Damage is repaired, Daria," Murphy said over his suit's radio. " _Good to hear,_ " Daria replied. "We'll return to Sealab as soon as the Aquarius is on its way," Murphy added. He, DeMartino, Dr. Quinn, and Barch had stayed behind to help the finishing repairs for the Aquarius. "They're about to test power," Murphy said.

The Aquarius soon began moving out of the rocks and turned itself around. "Look at her go," Barch said with a smile. "Yep," Murphy added as the Aquarius continued moving. "Well, team, that's a job well done. Who's up for a celebration tonight? Nothing too fancy or out of control of course, but still nicer than normal," Murphy said.

"Sounds good to me," Barch said. "I'm thinking we could go to Grizzlebee's or perhaps Pizza-marine," DeMartino suggested. "Hmm... it _has_ been a while since I've eaten a good pizza," Captain Murphy said.

Line Break

"We're in the clear, Captain," Mr. Bryan reported. "Set a course for zero-nine-zero degrees, Mr. Bryan," Captain Glenn said. "Aye-Aye, Captain," he replied. "Captain Murphy," Glenn said over the radio, "This is Aquarius." " _Aquarius, you're looking good,_ " Murphy said over the radio. "Thanks Murphy," Glenn said.

Murphy watched as the sub kept moving. "We can definitely call this a day," Dr. Quinn said. "I think _all_ of Sealab can call this a day to remember," Murphy said. "I know I will." The Aquarius then sped forward, moving with intent, before it finally collided with Sealab, causing an explosion that destroyed the facility.

Murphy and the others stared at the scene. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... okay," Murphy said in a bemused tone. He then turned to look at his surviving crew. "So... who's hungry?"

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: The Regular Sealab 2021 Ending Theme. It just seems appropriate for this episode.


	11. Serial Experiments Jane

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 025 [2-11]: Serial Experiments Jane

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Thursday, January 5th, 2022

Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn tightened a few more bolts on the side of the machine before wiping the sweat from his brow. "There," he said. "It's finished. It's finally finished, and now... to get ready for testing."

Line Break

"And after that, the last three strings on his guitar just broke," Jane said. "Doesn't he have a spare guitar?" Daria asked her. "Uh... I'm not sure," Jane replied. "What about spare string? Or a kit for fixing it?" Daria asked her. "Daria, we're Lanes. Planning ahead is nto something we normally do," Jane said.

"That doesn't make it okay," Daria retorted. "True. And, since he can't practice until he either gets his guitar fixed or gets a new one, I can finally sleep peacefully," Jane said. "I thought that Mystic Spiral practiced in that spare storage room that no one else uses," Daria commented. "They do, but Trent also brings the recordings of practice back home with him, and he listens to them on his computer... at live levels, meaning that it's as noisy as it was before we moved to this place," Jane replied wearily.

"Hmm, would you like to hear the tranquil sounds of the ocean instead?" Daria asked her with a smirk. "Eh, I'll pass this time," Jane replied. " _Hey, Sparks, it's finished_ ," Dr. Quinn said over a console. Daria and Jane both turned to look at Sparks. "Um... there are a lot of 'its' in the station, I think you should try to be more specific," Sparks replied.

" _My latest invention_ ," Dr. Quinn said. "So? Do you want me to send someone down to help you test it?" Sparks asked him. " _Well, if you could page Stormy to come down, that would be nice_ ," Dr. Quinn replied. "Stormy? Are you sure about that?" Sparks asked him.

" _Damn, you're right. What was I thinking?_ " "Well, the bigger question is were you thinking at all?" Sparks asked him. " _Shut up, Sparks_ ," Quentin retorted. "Okay. I'll send Jane and Daria down to your lab. There's not much that I can't handle on my own, just make sure they get back here before too long," Sparks said.

" _Well, they do both have functioning brains in their heads, so that's fine with me. I'll be expecting them in half an hour. Over_ ," Quentin said. "Well, looks like you girls get to go help Dr. Quinn with testing his latest experiment," Sparks said as he turned to the girls.

"So, what does it do?" Jane asked Dr. Quinn as she looked at the big machine. There was a space in the middle with a blue beam of light moving between it. "Well, this is the latest in networking technology," Dr. Quinn said. "Um... okay, how?" Daria asked him.

"Well, it uses a special form of fiber optic data transmission, and it's connected to Sealab's main computer, allowing it to give us up-to-date information from all around the world and give us updates for our systems from our land-based facilities," Quentin explained to her proudly.

"So... does it work?" Daria asked him. "Um... I haven't turned it on yet," Quentin said reluctantly. "Yeah, maybe you should do that before saying that it's finished," Jane said to him. "Okay. I'll turn it on," Quentin said as he walked over and pushed a large green button. "Why is that button so big?" Daria asked him.

"It's just in case I have to send Stormy in here to turn it on at some point. I don't want him to spend hours searching for the 'on' button in a time-sensitive situation," Quentin explained. "Hmm, that's actually pretty smart," Daria said. "And I suppose that the off button is the red one?" she asked him. "Yes," Quentin replied.

"What about a restart button?" Daria asked him. "That's... huh. I think I put that underneath one of the panels on the front," Quentin replied. "Cool. So, turn it on and let's see what happens," Jane said as she listened to them.

Quentin pressed the big green button and the blue light flashed brighter, before going dim and eventually fading to nothing. "Um... was that supposed to happen?" Jane asked Dr. Quinn. "No. No, it was not," Quentin replied. Jane walked around to the other side of the machine and saw that the power cord was fully plugged in to the wall. "Hey, maybe you should use a surge protector instead of just jacking it into the wall," Jane said.

"I'll go get one from storage," Daria said as she left the room. "Well, you may have a point," Quentin said. Jane unplugged the machine from the wall and waited for Daria to return. "Hey, you didn't unplug it yet, did you?" Quentin asked her. "Um, yeah, why?" she replied as she stood up and spun around. "I want to turn it off first. Can you plug it back in so I can turn it off properly?" Quentin asked her.

"Oh, alright," Jane said before turning around and plugging the cord back into the wall. She went to stand back up, but tripped and fell head-first into the space where the blue light was just coming back on. "Jane? Jane!" Quentin shouted when he saw her head get zapped by the blue light.

"Oh no! Dammit, not again!" Quentin shouted. "What's going on?" Daria asked as she returned to the room with a surge protector. "Jane tripped and hit her head. We need to get her to the infirmary," Quentin said as he walked around and grabbed Jane. Daria dropped the surge protector and grabbed Jane's legs, helping Dr. Quinn carry her out of the room.

Line Break

"Well," Dr. Virjay began, "I'm afraid that she is displaying only minimal brain activity in that head of hers. She is currently in a coma." Daria's breath hitched. "Will she wake up?" Daria asked him. "There's a fifty-fifty chance either way," Dr. Virjay replied. "Dammit, I should have taken her with me," Daria said.

Line Break

 _What the? Where am I? Why am I outside? But, I don't feel wet. What's going on here?_

Line Break

"She's been crying her eyes out all evening," Quentin said to Amy as she stood outside the infirmary. "I'll bring Tom over and he can try to help her," Amy said. "I don't know, he might have the same reaction," Quentin said. "I know, but at least Daria will know that she isn't alone," Amy said before she walked away.

Inside the Infirmary, Daria dried her eyes with her arm. "Please, Jane, wake up," she begged. " _Daria, I am awake. What are you talking about?_ " Daria's eyes widened and she looked at Jane's face. Her eyes were still closed, and she was still breathing in the manner of a coma patient.

"Jane?" Daria asked. " _Yeah?_ " Daria looked around, trying to find the source of Jane's voice. "I'm hallucinating, aren't I?" Daria asked. "Wait, I fell asleep while crying, and this is a dream," she said. " _Daria, what are you-oh my god. Is that... is that_ _ **my**_ _body?_ "

Daria looked at the main speaker in the room and over at the security camera, which was facing her and Jane's body. "Daria, I heard Jane's voice," Dr. Quinn said as he entered the room. "How's she feeling?" "Daria?" Dr. Quinn asked her. " _Hey, Doctor Quinn... why can I see my body in third person?_ " Jane's voice asked.

"No... Jane! What's the last thing that you remember?" Dr. Quinn asked her. " _I remember tripping earlier, and then I saw that blue light. Then I woke up and I was surrounded by the ocean, and now I'm, like, looking at my body and you and Daria,_ " Jane said.

"Oh my god. Your consciousness was transferred into the main computer... somehow!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. " _What? That's impossible! How did I get turned into a computer?_ " "I said you were _transferred_ into the main computer. You now have access to every part of Sealab," Quinn said. " _I do? Hey... are there cameras in the shower rooms?_ " Jane asked.

"No. Despite Commander Li's constant bitching and moaning about wanting them, there are no cameras in the showers or locker rooms," Dr. Quinn replied. " _Aw man, I wanted to watch some guys get naked_ ," Jane whined. "What? You find out that your mind has been transferred into the main computer and your first question is whether or not you'll be able to watch people get naked? What the hell?" Dr. Quinn asked her.

" _Hey, I'm a teenager. If I'm not doing school work or eating pizza or watching TV... or singing along with some music or listening to music while doing homework or... sleeping in class or talking to my friends about stuff or doing my art projects... or using the toilet or drinking coffee, I'm either digging the tunnel or having sex... or dreaming about having sex_ ," Jane responded. "Digging the tunnel?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Masturbating," Daria clarified for him. "Oh. Okay," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Unless... I can convince Tom to join me in sneaking off to a room with a camera that isn't used very often," Daria said. "Oh come on, not you too! Daria, our primary focus should be getting Jane's mind back into her body," Dr. Quinn said. "Daria, if Jane doesn't return to her body, she will _never_ be able to enjoy... um... eating pizza again!" Dr. Quinn said. Daria and Jane both gasped in horror at this realization.

"She'll be forced to watch as everyone around her gets to eat pizza, while she will be incapable of it! It could drive her insane! Do you want that? Do either of you want that to become a reality?" Dr. Quinn asked Daria and Jane. " _Well, isn't it technically already a reality?_ " Jane asked him.

"Okay, do you want to have this reality last any longer than necessary?" Dr. Quinn asked in response. " _No. I don't,_ " Jane replied solemnly. "Alright then. Give me a little bit of time, and I'll try to figure something out. Until then, just... try to stay sane," Dr. Quinn said.

Later, in Dr. Quinn's lab...

Dr. Quinn sat down at a computer and began typing in a formula. "I'm going to need some help for this. I'll need someone who knows about brain chemistry as well as I do... I need Dr. Virjay and... Sparks," he said to himself with a sigh.

Line Break

"So, your mind has been transferred into Sealab's computer?" Tom asked. " _Yeah. It's pretty freaky,_ " Jane replied. "Well... have you learned anything new from it? I mean, you have access to all of Sealab's systems now," Tom said. " _Hey, that's right! I can do anything to this station, without anyone to stop me!_ " Jane exclaimed.

"Uh... well, I meant that in an educational manner, you know? You can learn how things work," Tom said. " _There are thousands of people in Sealab... and their lives are in my hands... I have the power of a god over everyone,_ " Jane said gleefully. "Dammit, Tom," Daria muttered.

Line Break

After calling the two men into his lab, Dr. Quinn stood up and looked at them. "I'll bet you're both wondering why I called you here," he said. "Uh, yeah," Sparks said. "Jane Lane has accidentally transferred her mind into Sealab's main computer, via my new networking machine. I need your help to transfer her mind back into her body," Dr. Quinn explained.

"Um, how exactly did this happen?" Dr. Virjay asked him. "I'm not entirely sure. Most likely, when her head passed between the blue light beams of that section there, her mind was transferred by the electrical current... I think," Dr. Quinn said. "Um... why is that spot even open? Shouldn't that have been covered to begin with?" Sparks asked him.

"Hey, it was an accident," Dr. Quinn retorted. "Yeah, an accident that could have easily been _prevented_ by following standard safety procedures. You really dropped the ball on this one. Even I would have kept anything like that covered up by something," Sparks said.

Dr. Quinn and Sparks glared at each other before Dr. Virjay faked a cough. "Perhaps we should get started, gentlemen," Dr. Virjay said. "Right," Dr. Quinn said in agreement.

[Begin montage of Dr. Quinn, Dr. Virjay, and Sparks working together in the lab, interspersed with Jane messing with Sealab.]

Dr. Virjay points to a diagram of a human brain.

Commander Li notices that a security camera is following her.

Sparks drinks a can of soda while studying something.

Captain Murphy enters the room and looks around before leaving.

Marco sees a strange message on a terminal in Engineering.

Dr. Quinn and Sparks cross out an equation on a white board while shaking their heads.

Tom and Daria make out in the infirmary next to Jane's bed.

Miss Morris huffs in frustration as the door to her home closes and opens halfway before closing again multiple times.

Dr. Virjay writes an equation on the whiteboard. Sparks and Quinn nod their heads.

Stormy, wearing diving gear, accidentally gets caught in a fishing boat's net and gets hauled up out of the water and onto the boat, where the crew stare at him strangely as he flops around like a dolphin or a fish.

Captain Murphy sits in Sparks' chair on the bridge and watches Chopper Dave on one of the console screens.

Amy walks into Dr. Quinn's lab and studies the formula on the board, before joining in and helping.

Quinn and Stacey stare at fish outside of a window.

Upchuck watches as a terminal screen shows a message that demands he feed it a stray cat.

Dr. Quinn hits his machine with a wrench, before Amy takes the wrench and hits the machine. Then Dr. Virjay takes the wrench an hits the machine, and then Sparks takes the wrench and hits the machine, before Dr. Quinn takes the wrench back and hits the machine.

Dolphin Boy watches as the TV in the orphanage recreation room starts playing Basic Instinct. Dolphin Boy tries to change the channel with the remote, but it doesn't work. Debbie Love walks over and gasps, before she starts chasing Dolphin Boy.

Jane's face soon appears on multiple monitors throughout Sealab, sporting a maniacal smile.

[End montage]

"Okay, I think this will work. All we have to do is put Jane's head back in that space at the exact moment that we turn it on. Then we turn it off and pull her head out," Dr. Quinn said. "Yes, that should work," Amy said.

"Jane! We've got a way to get you back in your body! Do you hear me!?" Dr. Quinn asked. " _ **Yes, I can hear you,** _ " Jane replied. Then, her face appeared on several monitors in the lab as the machines suddenly came to life, except for one old computer that didn't have enough RAM and processing power.

"Okay, we just have to repeat the accident that caused this, and then shut off the machine and you'll be back in your own body," Dr. Quinn said. " ** _Hmm, unfortunately, I've grown rather fond of having so much power. Your lives are all in my... uh... hands. Metaphorically speaking, of course._** "

"Definitely," Sparks quipped. " ** _And anyway, I can do whatever I want with Sealab. I can even make the computers and machines create something that will electronically transfer the taste of pizza into code that Sealab's computers can understand, allowing me to enjoy it! I am now... a god!_** " Jane exclaimed over the speakers.

"Well, she's lost it," Sparks said. " ** _All will bow down to Jane the Great! Now, build me a machine that can taste pizza!_** " Jane ordered. "Oh no, this is going too far. We are going to transfer your mind back into your body, whether you want it or not!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed.

" ** _I'd like to see you try,_** " Jane said mockingly. " ** _I have complete control over Sealab's computerized systems. There's nothing you can do to stop me!_** " "Not all of them," Dr. Quinn said with a knowing smirk. " ** _Well, you might actually be able to do something. I won't lie to you about how pitifully small your chances are, but... you have my sympathies,_** " Jane said.

"Okay, Jane has gone mustang, and we're how far away from the infirmary?" Sparks asked. "Not too far. We have to move quickly. Amy, I need you to re-wire the door," Dr. Quinn said. "Huh? Why, it hasn't been locked," Amy replied. "I know, but we're going to _prevent_ the door being locked by rearranging the circuits into a closed system that doesn't link with the rest of Sealab's computers, allowing it to be used independently of the station," Dr. Quinn explained.

"Right, so she won't be able to lock us in or out!" Dr. Virjay exclaimed. "Exactly!" Dr. Quinn said. Amy soon went to work, turning off the power for the door first, and then rearranging the wires. "There," she said as she was finished.

"Now, we need to do the same thing to the door for the infirmary," Dr. Quinn said as the group left the room.

Line Break

"Hey, Lieutenant Ruttheimer, have you seen anything unusual happening lately?" Marco asked Upchuck. "Yeah. Earlier, one of the computer terminals told me to feed it a stray cat. And then, Jane's face appeared everywhere," Upchuck replied. "Yeah. Something really weird is going on," Marco said with suspicion.

Line Break

"There," Amy said as she finished rewiring the door. The group then entered the infirmary, only to walk in on Daria and Tom en flagrante delicto. Neither of them seemed to have a mind to stop while the group gathered Jane's body. "No one say anything," Amy said as they left the infirmary.

"Okay, watch out for that pipe," Dr. Quinn said. "Got her, got her. Move forward, watch out for that... whatever the hell that is." "That's a box," Sparks said. "Keep going forward," Amy said as the group soon reached the infirmary.

"Okay, rest her head in there, and then we can begin," Dr. Quinn said as Amy and Sparks laid Jane's head in the space between the blue light emitters. "Okay, in three, two, one-" " ** _I don't think so,_** " Jane said over the speakers. "Keep going guys, don't stop!" Amy said. " ** _Amy, how could you betray me like this?_** " "Betray you? Jane, I'm trying to help you! Don't you want your body back?" Amy asked her.

" _ **I have transcended the need for a physical body,**_ " Jane replied. "Really? What about Daria and Tom? Have you... transcended the need for their company as well?" Amy asked her, hiding her discomfort while speaking. " _ **I-I...**_ " "Face it, Jane. You love them and want to be with them, but you can't be with them in the way that you want if you don't have a physical body! Can you go on like this, watching them screw like rabbits while you're left out?" Amy asked, resisting the urge to gag.

" ** _I... I do want to be with them that way!_** " Jane exclaimed. Her face soon appeared on multiple monitors around the room. Tears were flowing down her cheeks. " ** _I don't want to not be able to make love to them every other night! I want their touch and tender words! I-I want to be a god, but I want to share physical love with Daria and Tom even more!_** " Jane cried. "And pizza," Sparks commented quietly.

"Then let us do this, and you can be with them in the flesh again," Amy said, once again resisting the urge to gag at her words. _I do_ _ **not**_ _like talking about either of my nieces in this manner, even if I'm only mentioning their names_.

" ** _Yes... please, return my mind to my body,_** " Jane requested. "Thank you, Jane," Amy said with a smile.

"Okay, here we go!" Dr. Quinn said. "Hit it!" he shouted at Sparks. Sparks pressed the power button on the machine.

A few seconds later, Sealab exploded, but the explosion grew huge, and soon everything was sucked into a black, empty space. Soon, the stars began to form, burning bright in the new universe, and yet there was still only silence. There was only silence and light from the stars, and then there was the voice.

" _I am... Jane_."

Ending Line Break

Ending theme: Kaneda, by Geinoh Yamashirogumi, from Symphony Suite AKIRA.

* * *

That was Serial Experiments Jane. I don't think it turned out as well as I initially wanted, and I had to re-write it at least twice because I wasn't satisfied, but I'm honestly not sure I could do much else with it without turning it into a huge multi-parter like Terror Under The Sea, and that was a special case. Also, if you pay attention to how Jane's mind is transferred into the main Sealab computer, you'll see that it's almost the same way that GIR's mind was placed in the computer of Zim's base in the Invader Zim episode Invasion of the Idiot Dog Brain.

Anyway, the next episode will feature Captain Murphy purchasing a strange pet, and neglecting the rules for taking care of it! Stay tuned for The Tale of Squishface!


	12. The Tale of Squishface

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 026 [2-12]: The Tale of Squish-Face

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Thursday, January 12th, 2022

In the main loading bay of Pod 06, Captain Murphy looked at the assortment of various vendors who had been given the chance to come down to Sealab for a brief visit. One of the vendors, a young Chinese woman with a stereotype stall with all kinds of stereotype trinkets that she secretly hated selling, caught the attention of Captain Murphy. Murphy walked over and looked at the various things on display.

"Well, sir? You find something you like?" the woman asked in a stereotype accent that she hated using, but her bosses forced her to use during deals outside of China anyway, much to her chagrin. "Eh, not much here but old-looking stuff. It all kind of sucks," Murphy said. "So, non-sucky stuff; you got anything like that?" Murphy asked her.

"Please give me a moment to check the bottom two- I mean, let me check lower drawers, mistah," she said, forcing herself to put the accent on again. There were spy cameras hidden in the vendor stall, and the previous guy working that stall had been reprimanded severely for not using the expected stereotype accent around non-Chinese people.

 _And I'm not even from China. I'm from_ _ **Taiwan!**_ "Okay, whatcha' got here?" Murphy asked her as she brought out an assortment of strange things. "Ooh!" Murphy whispered as he saw a strange, creamy-white gelatinous blob with two shiny black eyes.

The blob changed form into various shapes and made cute little squeaking noises. "I'll take that," Murphy said as he grabbed the blob and held it. "Oh no, he requires very special care. In my homeland, he is called-" "I shall name you Squishface! Hear that? His name is now Squishface," Murphy said. "How much does he cost?" Murphy asked.

"Um... one hundred dollars," the lady said. "Here. Come on, Squishface," Murphy said. "Wait, sir! There is a very important rule you must follow! You must never, ever give him any type of liquor!" she cried out as Murphy walked away, seemingly oblivious.

Line Break

"Hey, Sparks?" Daria asked. "Yeah?" "What's that job vendor thing that's going on in Pod Six?" "Oh, that's something we do every year," Sparks replied. "How long does it last?" Daria asked him. "Oh, usually about a week. Why? Did you wanna go down and check it out?" Sparks replied. "Mmm, maybe," Daria replied.

"Gonna get something for Jane... or Tom... or both?" Sparks asked her. "Possibly, if they both aren't already down there. It would spoil any kind of surprise if they were to catch me buying something for them," Daria replied.

Line Break

Later, in Captain Murphy's bathroom, the captain was taking a bath with Squishface and a bottle of bourbon. "Ah, bathing with liquor. Hey, Squishface, want some?" Murphy asked as he poured a small amount of the bourbon onto Squishface. Squishface soon popped out a smaller version of itself.

"Whoa! Mommy Squishface!" Murphy said. Squishface then produced seven more copies of itself. "Wow, you got knocked up pretty good," Murphy said thoughtfully before he began drinking his bourbon.

Line Break

When Daria arrived in the crew cafeteria, she saw Captain Murphy and several other crew members huddled around a table. Daria ordinarily ate either at home or at Grizzlebee's or Pizza-marine. She quietly walked over to the table at looked over Stormy's shoulder.

"Hey, what's going on?" she quietly asked Dr. Quinn. He briefly glanced at her before returning his attention to the table. "Captain Murphy has a new pet," Dr. Quinn replied with a hint of suspicion and uncertainty in his voice.

"Oh, they're so adorable!" Debbie Dupree exclaimed. "I could just eat them up with a spoon!" "Um, that's more than one," Daria said as she saw how many of the little bouncing and squeaking white blobs were on the table. "Hold on, Captain, how many of these did you buy?" Daria asked Murphy. "I bought just one," Murphy said.

"Then why are there so many?" she asked him. "Squishface is a single mom," Murphy said. "Hmm, maybe we should have Doctor Quinn run some tests on one of them," Daria suggested. "I mean, they may not be as harmless as they appear," Daria said. "Oh, don't be such a Debbie Downer," Debbie said. "Good one, _Debbie_ ," Marco said.

"Besides, these things are just so adorable and cute!" Debbie said. "Yeah, for a little white turd," Marco commented. One of the squishes formed itself into a heart shape, causing Debbie to squee in delight. "It changes shapes! Captain, can I have one, please!?" Debbie begged.

"Eh, sure," Captain Murphy said. "Wait, Daria may have a point. We can't just spread them around the station recklessly," Dr. Quinn said. "Quinn, if you can't say something nice, then shut up," Murphy said. "Captain, these things could be carrying infectious diseases," Dr. Quinn said. "I'm about to infect you with the back of my hand!" Murphy retorted.

"I'll just go see how the kelp harvest is coming along," Dr. Quinn said as he walked away from the table. Daria frowned as she turned to look at Captain Murphy. "You know, he was only trying to be cautious," Daria said. "Oh yeah? Well maybe you should join him in harvesting that jerk plant! Back at the jerk town where both of you can be the jerk king and the jerk queen," Murphy said.

Daria just shook her head and walked away. "You know, despite how cute these things are, they're kind of smelly," Marco commented as the little blobs made poot noises. "Hey, yeah, and what do they eat?" Debbie asked Murphy. "What _don't_ they eat?" Murphy replied before cackling like a madman.

"Yeah, anyway, we'll stiff you jerks later," Murphy said as he collected Squishface and walked away from the table.

Line Break

" _Alright, I want to know who started it,_ " Captain Kirk demanded. Sparks sipped his soda before he heard a strange squeaking noise. He raised an eyebrow before turning around to see if anyone had entered the bridge. He turned back around to watch the TV again after seeing nothing unusual.

He heard the squeak again a few minutes later, and turned around. His eyes widened at the sight before him and he gasped in shock. "What the hell!?" he cried out.

Line Break

"So, did you manage to swipe one?" Dr. Quinn asked Daria as she entered his lab with him. "Yeah. Here," she said as she brought the small blob out of her pocket. The squish pooted and squeaked. "Why does it keep doing that?" Daria asked in disgust.

"The squeaking or the farting?" Dr. Quinn asked her. She stared at him blankly for a few seconds before replying with a mathematical answer. "Yes."

"Hey, Sparks-whoa!" Marco exclaimed as he entered the bridge. There were squishes everywhere. "Why does it smell so bad in here?" Marco asked. "Gee, I wonder if the little farting white blobs are connected!?" Sparks replied sarcastically. "Look at these things, they're everywhere!" Sparks exclaimed.

"Yeah, but why does it smell so bad?" Marco asked again. Sparks frowned. _Dammit, Marco. I thought your intelligence would hold out a little while longer. These damn blobs have already dumbed you down with their cuteness._ Sparks suddenly noticed one of the squishes on his console. "Hey. Shoo. Get off of there," Sparks said. The blob formed a fist and punched him.

"Aw, geez! You little gummy bastard!" Sparks exclaimed. He then punched the squish with his left hand. It quickly encapsulated his fist. "Aagh! Get off of me, you little rat bastard!" Sparks exclaimed as he raised his glop-covered fist and smacked it onto a flat part of the console. "Get off!"

A few minutes later, Dr. Quinn and Daria entered the room. "Sparks, I need you to-whoa! My god it stinks in here, and why are there so many of the... Squishface things in here?" Dr. Quinn asked. "How should I know!? One minute the room is empty, and the next there are these things everywhere! How can I possibly watch TV, let alone do my job, with theses things and their smell everywhere!?" Sparks replied.

Sparks continued to smack the squish against the console. "Sparks, stop! You're just causing it to activate its natural defense mechanism!" Dr. Quinn reprimanded. "Say what!? You mean the farts are a defense?" Sparks asked him. "Methane Sulfate. They release it whenever they're frightened, or excited, or just whenever," Dr. Quinn explained.

"That must be what's causing the smell!" Marco exclaimed. "Really?" Dr. Quinn asked him sarcastically. "Well, we gotta get rid of them," Sparks said. "Aw, these little guys?" Marco asked him as a Gloop changed shape into an igloo, and then into a cowboy cat, before resuming its natural shape. "The methane is overloading the vaporators throughout the station," Dr. Quinn said. "Great, we're going to die because of cute animal farts," Daria snarked.

Just then, the door to the bridge opened and Captain Murphy, with Squishface on his head, entered, along with Commander DeMartino. "Captain, please, there are too many of them! We need to GET RID of them!" DeMartino said. "Negative!" Murphy replied. "Sparks, stop hurting the Gloop!" Murphy ordered as he saw Sparks continue hitting the console with his hand.

"The what!?" Sparks asked him. "Gloot! That is their native name!" Murphy replied. "Well, how am I supposed to get it off!?" Sparks asked him. Murphy opened his mouth and a series of squeaks came out. The Gloop removed itself from Sparks's hand.

"What the-how did you do that? You speak their language?" Dr. Quinn asked him incredulously. "Yep," Murphy replied. "Since when?" Daria asked him. "I have always known! Deep down in the special place... inside... that's always been there... forever," Murphy said. "Um... okay. In that case, can you tell the... Gloops, I guess, to leave the station?" Daria asked him.

"No!" Murphy said. "But Captain, their methane releases are overworking the vaporators! We won't have any clean air to breathe soon!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed. "But... the Gloops are harmless! Really!" Murphy said. "Captain, do you even smell how horrible the air is in here!?" Dr. Quinn asked him, exasperated. "I only smell happiness," Murphy said after taking a long whiff.

"You smell... _happiness?_ " Dr. Quinn asked him incredulously. "Yes. Happiness... and love," Murphy responded. "Captain, the methane is overworking the vaporators, and if we don't get rid of the Gloops or reduce their numbers soon, we are all going to die. There are two choices: us or them," Dr. Quinn said.

"Well, I choose the Gloops. They taste like candy and I love them," Murphy replied firmly. "That isn't an option!" Dr. Quinn stated. "Then why the hell did you phrase it like one!?" Murphy retorted.

As Murphy and Dr. Quinn argued back and forth, Daria had already sat at her station. " _This is Pod Seven, Agriculture room number seventeen! We have a situation here!_ " one of the maintenance workers cried out. The monitor showed dozens and dozens of Gloops feeding on the kelp and other plants. "The kelp harvest!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed when he saw the footage. The monitor soon showed the Gloops ganging up on the worker. He began screaming.

"That does it!" Dr. Quinn said. "Captain, I'm sorry, but I'm going to reduce the numbers of the Gloops the only way I can. Marco, are you with me?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Oh man, I can't decide between my love of Gloops and my love of killing," Marco said, before one Gloop jumped on his shoulder and pooted in his face. "Okay, I love killing more than I love the Gloops," Marco said as he grabbed the Gloop and flung it at the wall. It squeaked like a toy as it bounced around.

"Commander DeMartino, would you like to join us?" Dr. Quinn asked. "I would love to join the two of you, but I'm afraid I will have to stay here and keep watch over Captain Murphy," Commander DeMartino said. "Watch me? There is only love and happiness here," Murphy said. "Right. We'll pick up some gas masks for you guys on the way back," Dr. Quinn said.

" _This is Doctor Virjay. Is Daria Morgendorffer on the bridge today?_ " Virjay asked over the monitor. "This is Lieutenant Morgendorffer," Daria replied. " _Lieutenant Morendorffer, I'm afraid that your sister and her friend Stacey have both been admitted to the infirmary for fire-related injuries._ " "Have you contacted our legal guardian, Lieutenant Amy Barksdale?" Daria asked him. " _I have tried, but I have been informed by Lieutenant Ruttheimer that she is currently occupied with a time-sensitive procedure in the reactor room. I will try again shortly,_ " Dr. Virjay replied.

"Okay, I'll be there shortly," Daria said. "Commander DeMartino, permission to leave my post?" Daria asked him. "Permission granted," DeMartino replied. Daria quickly stood up and joined the two men as they left the room. Commander DeMartino looked back at Captain Murphy. "Why do you still have that thing on your head?" DeMartino asked Murphy. "Thing?" Murphy asked him. "Yeah. Is it eating your brain or something?"

Murphy glanced up at Squishface, before looking back at DeMartino. He smiled and issued forth a series of squeaks. "What the-aah!" DeMartino screamed as dozens of Gloops surrounded him and glomped on him. "Captain, what are you doing!" Sparks asked him. After the screaming stopped, the Gloops scattered, revealing a skeleton.

"Commander DeMartino!" Sparks exclaimed in shock and horror. "So, who else wants to mock the mighty Squishface?" Captain Murphy asked him. He looked at Captain Murphy fearfully and gulped.

Line Break

Quinn and Stacey sat in the infirmary, wincing as Dr. Virjay rubbed cream on their burns and wrapped bandages around them. "Now, how exactly did this happen again?" Virjay asked them. "Well, Stacey and I were having a romantic candle-lit dinner and love session, when all of the sudden, these cute little white blobs entered the room and began making these adorable squeaking noises," Quinn said.

"Everything was so wonderful," Stacey said sadly, "And then... they started... pooting. It was funny at first, but then more and more of them entered the bedroom, and soon, the gas caused the candles to turn into torches!" "Yes. So these little white farting blobs ruined your lovely time, is that correct?" Dr. Virjay asked them. "Um... more like romantic sex time, but yeah, pretty much," Quinn replied.

Line Break

Tommy Sherman scanned his thumb before the door to Commander Li's office opened up to him. He walked inside, wearing a gas-mask, before stepping back in shock. "Oh no, Commander Li! Tommy Sherman is too late!" Tommy Sherman exclaimed as he looked at the remains of Commander Li. There were dozens of Gloops squeaking and pooting in the room while hopping around the skeleton of what was once Commander Angela Li.

"Wait a minute... this means Tommy Sherman is free! Tommy Sherman is finally free!" Tommy Sherman proclaimed happily. He then heard a series of squeaks and watched as the Gloops rolled together to form a gigantic Gloop ball. "Uh-oh!" Tommy Sherman said as he ran out of Commander Li's office. The Gloop ball chased after him.

Line Break

"Quinn!" Daria exclaimed as she, Dr. Quinn, and Marco entered the infirmary. "Daria!" Quinn exclaimed. "What happened?" Daria asked her sister. "The cute little white blob things! They came into Stacey's bedroom and caused the candles to go crazy with their poots!" Quinn relayed. "Candles?" Daria asked her. "We had a romantic candle-lit dinner, and afterwards, we enjoyed a sensual-" "I understand. Are they still in Stacey's bedroom?" Daria asked Quinn.

"Um... I don't know," Quinn said. "I don't know either," Stacey said. "Dr. Virjay, please keep an eye on them until either Aunt Amy arrives or I return," Daria said. "Of course, but please, let the secure airlock doors do their job. I do not wish for those smelly white blobs to enter the infirmary," Dr. Virjay said.

Line Break

"Oh, it _is_ adorable!" Debbie Love declared as Debbie Dupree showed her the Gloop in her hand. "It makes the most adorable little squeaks too! Just listen," Debbie said. "Squeak!" the Gloop squeaked. "Aww!" White Debbie and Black Debbie both said simultaneously. Soon, Dolphin Boy walked up to them and chirped. "Now what did I tell you about swearing!?" Debbie Love asked him angrily.

Dolphin Boy smiled and chirped some more. "No way! There's no way that something this cute could be dangerous!" Debbie Love replied. Dolphin Boy then adopted a serious expression and pointed at something behind them. They saw Tommy Sherman running for his life as a giant Gloop ball chased him. Tommy soon tripped and fell, turning over and putting his hands up defensively as the ball rolled over him, leaving only a skeleton.*

"Oh my god! Did you see how cute that ball was!?" Debbie Dupree asked. Debbie Love smacked her. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" Debbie Love asked Debbie Dupree angrily. "Sorry, I was trying to only look at the positives," Debbie Dupree replied lamely.

Debbie Love grabbed the Gloop from Debbie Dupree's hand and threw it at Dolphin Boy, who opened his mouth and ate the Gloop. He burped after swallowing it. Dolphin Boy then chirped. "Candy? They taste like candy?" Debbie Love asked him incredulously.

Dolphin Boy chirped again. "I said stop swearing, you little shit!"

Line Break

Later, in the Security Center...

"Okay, this is what we've got," Lieutenant Sasha Winters said as she handed out shotguns, pistols, and M41-A1 Pulse Rifles to the group. Debbie Love had a bandanna on her head, with a tattoo saying that the risk always lives. Daria took a pulse rifle and duct-taped a flamethrower to it. Dr. Quinn just took a shotgun. Stormy took a pulse rifle and a motion tracker.

"Is this gonna be a stand-up fight or a bug hunt?" he asked Dr. Quinn. "A little bit of both," Dr. Quinn replied. Marco took a pulse rifle and a motion tracker as well. "I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art!" he proclaimed. "Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts," Daria said. Debbie Dupree took a flamethrower and a pistol.

"You know, I have the strangest feeling that we've done something like this before," Debbie Dupree said thoughtfully. "Eh, you're just imagining things," Marco said as he put a hand on her shoulder. "You're probably right," Debbie said.

Line Break

Sparks looked over his shoulder to make sure that the Gloops were all gone before returning his attention to the monitor in front of him. "Amy, keep engineering and the reactor room locked. Don't let any of those little white blobs get in there," Sparks said cautiously. " _You got it,_ " Amy said before hanging up.

"I should probably check on my fortress island while I'm at it," Sparks said to himself before calling up his island. "This is Overlord! Come in, henchmen!" Sparks said in a deep and gruff voice. " _Overlord! We just finished Empress's latest order,_ " Henchman 075 said. "And which order was that?" Sparks asked him. " _The, uh, cyborg tigers with laser cannons built into their heads._ "

"I see, but what about my giant killer bee army?" Sparks asked him. " _W-Well, we just can't get them big enough before they get crushed under their own weight! It won't work!_ " Henchman 075 said. "I see. Then make robotic bees the size of tricycles instead!" Sparks said before hanging up.

He then called up Amy again. " _Sparks, what's going on?_ " Amy asked him. "I just called the island. Your, uh, light-bright kitty cats are finished," Sparks said in a slightly cryptic manner. Amy looked puzzled for a minute, before she figured out what he meant.

" _Yes!_ " Amy said with a grin. " _Tell number seventy-eight good work,_ " Amy said to him. "Um, I didn't see Seventy-Eight. Only Seventy-Five," Sparks replied. " _Huh, I guess he must've been busy with something else. Oh well,_ "Amy replied with a shrug.

"Oh, also, your niece, White Quinn, and her girlfriend, Stacey, were sent to the infirmary earlier. After the Gloops have been taken care of, you might want to go visit them," Sparks said to her. " _What happened?_ " Amy asked with concern. "I'm not sure. Something about getting burned somehow. I'll let you know as soon as the Gloops have been taken care of, and then you can go see them," Sparks said.

" _Okay. Thanks, Jodene,_ " Amy said before she hung up.

Line Break

"Okay, nothing so far," Marco said as he checked his motion tracker. "It's a bug hunt, man!" Stormy said. "Wait, hold on! I got movement, in front and behind!" Stormy exclaimed as he checked his motion tracker. "Ten meters! Nine meters! There's movement all over the place!" Stormy exclaimed.

"Talk to me, Stormy!" Dr. Quinn said. "Eight meters! Seven! What the hell!?" Stormy said as everyone looked around. There were no Gloops in sight, but the motion trackers were still showing movement near them. "Stay frosty, people," Dr. Quinn said.

Line Break

"Rub-a-dub-dub, in the tub!" Captain Murphy sang in his bath tub. He was surrounded by Gloops, all of which were squeaking to their hearts' content. "Hey, wanna see something really neat?" Murphy asked the Gloops. They squeaked in response. Captain Murphy reached over to his radio and picked a station with 1980's rap and hip-hop. The Gloops watched in amazement as a beard began to grow as Murphy sang along with the lyrics.

They all hopped and squeaked in confusion and wonder at the sight of Captain Murphy's musically enchanted beard. Soon, a small bird nest magically formed inside the beard, along with birds. The Gloops squeaked before jumping onto the beard and devouring the birds, hopping away when they were finished.

"Wow, someone was hungry!" Murphy said playfully. The Gloops squeaked and pooted in response. There was a banging on the door to his quarters. " _Captain, open up!_ " Dr. Quinn's voice called out. "Go away, Quinn!" Murphy called out. " _Captain, let us in! This must be done!_ " Dr. Quinn called.

"Ah, go to hell!" Murphy exclaimed, before the Gloops squeaked and began leaving the bathroom. "I didn't mean you guys! I meant Dr. Quinn!" Murphy exclaimed. Soon, only Squishface was left with him. "Our little warriors are going to fight for justice," Murphy said with a smile. Squishface squeaked.

Line Break

"Wait, the readings are getting closer! Five meters! Four! They're everywhere!" Stormy cried out. "Stormy, stay calm and-Stormy!" Dr. Quinn cried as a vent burst open and dozens of Gloops poured out, falling onto Stormy. "Stormy, no!" Debbie Love cried before the Gloops dispersed, leaving only Stormy's skeleton. "Let's rock!" Marco exclaimed as he opened fire at the Gloops with his pulse rifle.

"Taste the pain!" Debbie Dupree roared as she obliterated multiple Gloops. Daria opened fire at a swarm of Gloops that had dropped down from a vent near the other end of the corridor. They snapped, crackled, and popped as Daria unleashed her fury upon them.

More Gloops appeared, soon forming into a gigantic Gloop with two strong arms that swung at the group. Debbie Dupree was smacked against the wall by the Gloop arm, while Daria and Marco managed to avoid it. "Close your eyes, baby," Daria said as she fired a grenade from the M41-A1 and watched at the Gloops all caught on fire and exploded. Everyone ducked as the flames rushed overhead.

"I smell roasted marshmallows," Marco said. "I smell only death and victory," Debbie Love said. "I think my hair got singed," Debbie Dupree commented. She grabbed a lock and brought it to her nose. "Yep, definitely singed," she said in confirmation.

"Marco, are you picking up anything on your tracker?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Nothing. I think we got all of-wait, I'm getting more movement!" Marco said. "Not again!" Debbie Dupree cried. Soon, the door to Captain Murphy's quarters burst open and dozens of Gloops poured out, with Captain Murphy walking behind them.

"So, you have survived my mighty warriors of justice and love," Murphy said. "Captain, this has to end now," Daria said firmly. "Yes, Lieutenant, it does," Murphy said as he narrowed his eyes at her. Daria raised her weapons and took aim. "Those are the last Gloops, Captain. Surrender now, and we might spare Squishface so that you can return her to... wherever it is that she's from," Daria said.

"Never!" Murphy exclaimed. "All will hail Squishface and bow before the loving might of the Gloops!" Murphy delcared. "Well, he's lost it," Marco said sadly. "I have lost nothing! I have simply gained a newfound sense of love that only the Gloops can bring about in this world!" Murphy exclaimed loudly.

"This is going nowhere," Daria said. "Captain, you have until the count of ten to get away from the Gloops. One... Two..." Daria began counting. "Avenge your brethren!" Murphy delcared. The Gloops flew forward with cute squeaks and poots. Daria narrowed her eyes and fired her pulse rifle.

Later, in the infirmary...

"Oh man, what happened?" Captain Murphy asked groggily as he opened his eyes and looked around. He tried to sit up before he saw the crew standing around his bedpost. "I guess... they're all gone, aren't they?" Murphy asked sadly. "We believe so," Daria said.

"Captain, those things had brainwashed you with their cuteness. We were all going to die if we didn't get rid of them," Daria said. "I-I know. I didn't _want_ to believe it, but it was true, wasn't it? I endangered the station and everyone on it," Murphy said forlornly.

"Well, we'll leave you here to grieve," Daria said as the group got up and left the infirmary. Captain Murphy watched the door for a minute before looking at the cast on his arm. "Heh, they fell for it," he said as Squishface uncurled herself and bounced on the bed. The door opened and Daria walked in with a frown on her face and a flamethrower in her hands.

"Uh... I-uh... um..." Murphy stammered, trying to find something appropriate to say to the young woman giving him a death glare. Daria silently brought the flamethrower up to bear. "Uh-oh," Murphy said before Daria fired the stream of fire at Squishface.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: Power Of The Night, by Terrance Mann, from Critters (1986).

* * *

* This sequence was indeed inspired by a similar sequence from the movie Critters 2: The Main Course, produced and released theatrically by New Line Cinema in 1988.

This episode was fun to write, after I got over my distaste for fart jokes. Honestly, I'm not very fond of fart jokes, and I find them to be very juvenile, and off-putting. I only included the farting of the Gloops because it was critical to the plot in the original episode, All Hail Squishface.

If I ever do include a fart joke in a story, it will only be in one instance within that particular story. Well, maybe twice. Three is the maximum and no more, so long as I write those jokes in a manner that I find to be genuinely funny. Anyway, the next episode of Lawndale 2021 will be groovy, baby!


	13. It's Groovy, Baby!

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 027 [2-13]: It's Groovy, Baby!

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Monday, January 16th, 2022

Captain Murphy looked out the windows of the bridge while listening to Commander Li give a report. "And then, I should add, both of their name tags were three centimeters to the left of their proper locations! Three centimeters!" "Uh-huh," Murphy said with a nod of his head, bored. "Things are getting out of control!" Li exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Sparks commented. "I mean, three centimeters? What's next, asking for permission to use the bathroom more than once a day?" "Exactly!" Commander Li said, oblivious to Sparks' sarcasm. Just then, one of the bridge doors opened and Marco walked in. "Hey, Captain, Dr. Quinn's finished his latest experiment," Marco said.

"Oh. Um, which one was that again?" Murphy asked as he turned around. "I think it was some kind of dimensional portal or something," Marco said. "Wait, this place hasn't exactly had the best luck with that kind of thing in the past," Sparks said. "Why would Dr. Quinn make one now?" he asked.

"Beats me," Marco replied. "Still, it looks pretty cool. It's this huge ring that has a series of lights on it and hieroglyphics," Marco said. "Why does that sound familiar?" Sparks asked himself. "Hey, wanna come see it?" Marco asked him. "Sorry, but until Lieutenant Morgendorffer gets here after school, someone needs to man the communications," Sparks said.

"Well, what about when you use the bathroom? I'm sure that there isn't someone at your post when that happens," Marco said. "True, but I usually go when someone with authorization enters the bridge. For instance, after Captain Murphy arrived, I could go and come back, since there was still someone on the bridge," Sparks explained.

"But... that person was Captain Murphy," Marco said quietly. "I know, but I saw an opening, and I went for it," Sparks replied. "Well, I'm gonna take Captain Murphy over to see Quinn's new machine. When Lieutenant Morgendorffer arrives, see if you can make it down there. Like I said, it's really neat!" Marco said before walking away, leaving only Commander Li in the room with Stormy.

Line Break

"So, it opens up portals to other dimensions?" Murphy asked him. "For the fiftieth time, Captain, yes," Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn replied in exasperation. "Yeah, okay. But, does it make snacks?" Murphy asked him. "No, Captain. No, it does not," Dr. Quin replied. "So... it's not as cool as you wanted me to believe," Murphy said.

"If that's how you feel about it, then fine. But, it _could_ open a portal to a dimension that's _full of snacks_ ," Dr. Quinn said. "All right! Now you're talking!" Murphy exclaimed with a fist-pump. "Hey, what's going on here?" Captain Shanks asked as he entered the room. "Shanks, what are you doing here?" Murphy asked him.

"Well, I think I've been absent for a few episodes and I just wanted to remind everyone that I'm still here," Shanks said. "Episodes? What are you talking about?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "Oh, never mind," Shanks said dismissively. "So, what's with the Star Gate?" Shanks asked Dr. Quinn. "It's not a star gate," Dr. Quinn replied defensively. "Really? Could've fooled me," Shanks said.

"Hey, yeah! It does look like a star gate!" Murphy exclaimed. "Dr. Quinn, I had no idea that you were into plagiarism!" Murphy said. "I-I... what the hell is Star Gate!?" Dr. Quinn asked angrily. "What? You've never heard of Star Gate? The movie with Kurt Russell, or the TV series with Richard Dean Anderson?" Captain Murphy asked him.

"No! I've never heard of those!" Dr. Quinn replied. "I think you're lying," Shanks said while rubbing his chin. "Yeah, you're just _pretending_ to have never heard of it! That way, you try to claim that you came up with this idea all by yourself when you try to get some kind of award for it!" Murphy said accusingly. Dr. Quinn narrowed his eyes as he glared at Captain Murphy.

Just then, the door to the lab opened and Amy Barksdale and Debbie Dupree walked inside. "But then I realized that the battery just hadn't been put in properly, so I had to remove it from the radio and put it back in the-hey, is that a star gate?" Amy asked as she saw Dr. Quinn's dimensional portal. Dr. Quinn threw his hands up in the air and yelled in frustration.

"Does that mean yes?" Amy asked him. "I think that was a yell of _frustration_ , not affirmation," Debbie said. "Okay, look. This is my dimensional portal. It opens up portals to different dimensions, not different planets!" Dr. Quinn said. "Hey! How would you know to make that differentiation if you weren't aware of what a star gate is? Shanks and I never said where star gates take people, so come on, how did you know if you've never heard of the movie or the TV series?" Murphy asked him with a grin of victory. "Dammit," Quentin muttered under his breath.

"Who cares!?" Debbie interjected. "Let's turn it on and see what happens!" "Um, are you sure that's a good-" "Yeah, let's do it!" Marco cried, interrupting Amy. "Here we go," Quentin said as he began the powering-on sequence before dialing a random dimension.

"Hey, how do you know this won't bring the Bizarro's back here again? I don't want to deal with those guys a third time," Amy said with concern. "Hey, she's right! What were we thinking!?" Marco cried out in realization. "Oh please, if anything happens, they know that we don't have that diamond beam thing they wanted last time, so they'll probably just turn around and go home right away," Debbie said.

"Really? Are you _sure_ that we don't have one of those lying around somewhere?" Captain Murphy asked her thoughtfully. "Captain, we're positive that we don't have a Destructo Beam," Quentin said. "Well, if you say so," Murphy replied.

The dimensional portal soon blinked and the inner circle was filled with a grand swirl of colors. "Does anyone smell that?" Amy asked. "Yeah, it kind of smells like pot," Marco said. Soon, a figure stepped through the portal and walked forward. Everyone gasped and stared at the person.

They had long brown hair, tinted glasses, a green vest with flower designs on it, and baggy pants that were bright yellow. "Hey, babes, what's shakin?" she asked. "D-Daria?" Amy asked in shock. "Yeah... what's up, cousin Amy?" Groovy Daria asked. "C-Cousin?" Amy repeated in confusion.

"Hey, wait... this place seems a little... oppressive," Groovy Daria said with a frown as she looked at the interior of Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn's laboratory. Soon, more Groovies began to exit the portal. Groovy Murphy looked around, with a full white beard and mirthful eyes. "Hmm, with a little work, I can totally dig this joint," Groovy Murphy said. "Well," Quentin said, "At least they aren't trying to kill us."

Groovy Jane, who was wearing standard hippie attire, stepped forward and put an arm on Daria's shoulder. "Yo, Dar, how did your cousin get here before us?" Groovy Jane asked with a silky-smooth voice. "I don't think that this Amy is our Amy, or that our Amy is this Amy," Groovy Daria said.

"But are both Amy's still Amy?" Groovy Jane asked her. "I think so, and yet they are not, it's like... totally bizarro," Groovy Daria said. Groovy Daria held out a joint and lit it up, before offering it to Amy. "Hey, want a hit?" Groovy Daria asked her. "No thanks," Amy said while putting her hands up. "Aw, come on, Amy. Don't be square," Groovy Daria said.

The door to the room opened and Sparks walked in. "Hey, guys, what's going-oh my god, not again!" Sparks exclaimed. "Relax," Quentin said, "They're not the Bizarro's. They're just... stoners, I think." "Oh. Okay," Sparks said after he calmed down.

Soon, another pair of Groovies exited the portal, including Groovy Quinn and Groovy Amy. "Whoa! How did I get in front of me?" Groovy Amy asked in bewilderment as she saw Normal Amy. She was wearng bell-bottom jeans and a hippie vest, along with curly brown hair and an ear-ring in her left ear. Her glasses resembled Daria's, and she seemed to be younger than Normal Amy.

"Um, greetings, travelers," Dr. Quinn said. "Welcome to Sealab." More Groovies began exiting the portal, causing Quentin to frown. "I... don't think we're going to have much room left soon. Why don't we all go to the bridge?" he suggested.

Line Break

Daria frowned as she looked at the assortment of Groovies on the bridge. There were Groovy Jane and Daria, Groovy Hazel Murphy, Groovy Amy, Groovy Quinn, Groovy Hesh, Groovy Quentin (dressed like a member of The Village People), Groovy Marco, Groovy Shanks, Groovy Sparks, Groovy Tom, Groovy Elsie, Groovy Debbie Dupree, Groovy Upchuck, Groovy Tommy Sherman, Groovy Barch, Groovy O'Neill, Groovy DeMartino, Groovy Stormy (who was black), two Groovy Kevins (both of whom were also black), Groovy Mack (who was white), Groovy Jodie, and Groovy Brittany (whose hair was in one long braid). And Bob from waste management was there, too, for some reason.

"Hmm, I don't see a Groovy Li here," Commander DeMartino said as he looked over the various hippie bastards who had entered his station. "Li?" Groovy Sparks asked. "Oh yeah, she slipped into a coma after trying to communicate with a flower this morning," Groovy Sparks said. DeMartino raised an eyebrow in both shock and confusion.

"What about Groovy Defoe and Groovy Van Driessen?" Daria asked. "They became one with the universe a few weeks back. Enlightenment, man. Only a few can reach that level of inner one-ness with themselves, each other, and the world," Groovy Tom said, immediately making Daria grateful that her Tom didn't talk like this. Groovy Elsie walked over to Daria and sniffed her. "What the-" "Lavender... musk... yes, you have just recently missed the chance to create life," Groovy Elsie said.

"Um... what?" Daria asked, confused. "You have the hidden scent of love upon you, yet your fertile cycle has only recently ended. You missed a glorious opportunity," Groovy Elsie said. "Um... I highly doubt that," Daria replied flatly. "I only wish that I could be fertile like the others," Groovy Elsie said forlornly.

"So, the groovy version of Elsie is just as weird as our Elsie," Amy muttered. "I can also eat sandwiches with my feet," Groovy Elsie said with a smile. "Scratch that, ours is normal by comparison," Amy said quietly. "Why would you eat food with your feet?" Daria asked her. "Because it is... _groovy_ , baby," Groovy Elsie replied.

"Sure," Daria said dubiously. "You know, you sound like you need some enlightenment," Groovy DeMartino said as he approached Daria. DeMartino followed his Groovy counterpart with his eyes. "Your voice is quiet, yet your tone is full of tension," he said.

"Actually, that's just annoyance," Daria replied. "Hmm, here, try this," Groovy DeMartino said as he pulled out a blunt and handed it to Daria. "What the HELL do you THINK you're DOING!?" DeMartino shouted at Groovy DeMartino. "Relax, I'm just tryin' to help this chick find inner peace," Groovy DeMartino said calmly.

"Yeah, the last guy who wanted to help us find inner peace ended up almost destroying our water filtration system," Sparks commented. "If you want me to find inner peace, you'll stop talking and leave me alone," Daria said bluntly. "You're right. You need to have some alone time for inner peace to work, I guess," Groovy DeMartino said.

Just then, the door to the bridge opened and Commander Li walked in, along with Tommy Sherman. "Captain Murphy, I was just informed a little while ago by Commander Sparks that there has been a-[audible gasp!]" Commander Li looked around the room, her eyes wide with shock as she took in the sight of all of the Groovies.

"What is the meaning of this!? Haven't we had enough trouble with alternate universe versions of ourselves!?" Li shrieked. "Hey, relax," Groovy Daria said. "Here, have a hit; it'll calm you down," Groovy Daria said as she held out a blunt to Commander Li.

Angela Li's mouth hung open in shock, giving Groovy Daria the chance she needed to stick the joint in Li's mouth and close it. "There, now you'll be feeling _much better_ soon enough," Groovy Daria said with a smile. Commander DeMartino simply watched the whole scene in disbelief before shaking his head in his hands.

"Hey, don't be so down," Groovy O'Neill said as he walked over and put a hand on DeMartino's shoulder. "Touch me again, and you'll lose that hand," DeMartino snapped at him. "Relax, D. Hey, Janet, I know what'll help him," Groovy O'Neill said to Groovy Barch. "Right here, right now? In front of everyone? I don't know, Skin," Groovy Barch said with uncertainty.

DeMartino stared at Groovy Barch in shock and bafflement. "Uh-uh, no way," he said as he backed up to the bridge controls. Watching this, Captain Murphy simply shrugged his shoulders in indifference. "So, you guys got any tunes with ya?" Murphy asked Groovy Murphy. "Sure. Groovy Stormy, get out that groovy guitar of yours and play a song," Groovy Murphy said.

"Sure!" Groovy Stormy said as she pulled a guitar out from behind his back. "Hey, where'd you get that from?" Quentin asked. Groovy Stormy began singing a horrible indie song. "Give me more lovin' than I've ever had, make it all better when I'm feelin' sad." Daria began to feel an intense surge of annoyance and rage build up in her as she glanced back and forth between the floor and Groovy Stormy. She calmly got up and walked over to Groovy Stormy. "There's only one thing, to do, three words for you! That's what I'll do! I love you! I love you. There's only-" Daria grabbed the guitar and smashed it against the floor several times.*

When she was finished, she handed it back to him. "Here, I think you'll find your music plays much better now," Daria said flatly. "But I can't make music with a busted guitar like this," Groovy Stormy said. "Exactly," Daria replied before returning to her seat.

"Hey, that wasn't very groovy," Groovy Daria said. "Neither was that piece-of-shit song," Daria replied. "Hm, she does have a point," Groovy Elsie said thoughtfully. "Indeed," Groovy Tom said in agreement.

Line Break

Later, after the Groovies had departed the bridge...

"Just let it go," Groovy Daria said to Daria. "Look, I don't think this is a very good idea," Daria said as she, Jane, Tom, Groovy Daria, Groovy Tom, and Groovy Jane sat in a circle in Daria's bedroom. "Just be cool. You gotta let the coolness _flow_ through your vertebrae*," Groovy Daria said.

"Fine, I'll give it a try," Daria said as she took a hit from the blunt. She coughed at first, but then her eyes widened. "Are you sure this is Mary Jane?" Daria asked her Groovy counterpart. "I think so," Groovy Daria said, slightly unsure. "Well I-" Daria's pupils dilated and she stopped speaking as something amazing happened in front of her. She began to smile and felt a sense of peace take over her.

"Hey, Dar? Are you okay?" Jane asked her. "Fine," Daria said with a giggle. "I'm feeling just fine," Daria said happily. "There, now just let all your worries wash away," Groovy Daria said. "Um... you're certain that the pot from your dimension isn't addictive, right? I mean, the marijuana from our dimension isn't either, but, you know, pot from another dimension might react differently to our body chemistry," Tom said.

"Tom, why didn't you bring that point up earlier?" Jane asked him curiously. "Well... I, um, I don't know," he said with a shrug. When he turned back to face Groovy Daria, he saw that she was already making out with Groovy Jane and Groovy Tom.

"Huh, so they _are_ just like us," Tom said to himself as a shirt flew into his face. "Um, wait, not in here guys. Guys?" Tom asked as he got up. More clothing began to land in parts of the room. "Jane, let's grab Daria and get out of here," Tom said. "I don't know," Jane said. "I think I'd like to watch," she added.

"Um, Jane, I know this is a golden opportunity, but we really should get Daria out of here, before the Groovies make a mess with her involved," Tom said. "Aw, come on!" Jane pouted. "N-No, Jane," Tom said firmly. "Come on, Dar. Let's go get... uh, some food," Tom said. "Hmm, I like food," Daria said with a smile.

"Yes, I know you do. That's why we're leaving to go get some," Tom said as he helped Daria get up from her spot on the floor. "Can we go to Grizzlebee's?" Daria asked Tom as they made their way out of the room when the moans and groans became louder. "Uh, sure!" Tom said as he grabbed Jane and pulled her out of the room. "Aw man!" Jane whined after Tom closed the door. "Come on, we're going to Grizzlebee's," Tom said.

* * *

 **This is a special message from People Against Drugs. Remember, kids, if you smoke Marijuana in a state where it's illegal, then your girlfriend will inexplicably get pregnant, your father will become a raging alcoholic, and your mother will die. Also, your grandparents will get abducted by aliens, and your dog or cat will steal all of your money, and then take the car and drive out to Las Vegas, where it will lose all of that money in one game of poker.**

* * *

"Just relax," Groovy O'Neill said to Timothy O'Neill. "But, this is wrong! As an educator, I have to set an example for my students, and smoking marijuana while telling them to stay away would make me a hypocrite!" O'Neill whined. "Oh, come on, Skinny! It's not like they ever listen to us about that anyway," Janet Barch said.

"But, Janet! What if we get caught!? What if someone sees our counterparts and mistakes us for them?" O'Neill asked her. "Oh please, have you seen the way they dress?" Barch replied. "Well-" "Come on, who could possibly make that mistake, especially if they see us side by side?" she asked him.

"Um... Kevin Thompson," O'Neill said. "Oh yeah, I forgot about him," Janet replied with a frown. "And, possibly, Brittany Taylor, although I think she has a few more brain cells than Kevin," O'Neill said. "I mean, she _does_ know how to read and write." "And she can build flamethrowers," Janet added. "Yes, that too," O'Neill conceded.

"Well, we'll just stay in our quarters until the effects wear off," Janet said. "But, Janet, the drug can stay in a person's system for at least eight weeks, even after the effects have worn off! And you know how Commander Li likes her random drug tests!" O'Neill fretted. "Huh, you're right about that," Janet said.

"Well, I guess there's only one way to calm you down without good ol' Mary Jane," Janet said. "What's that?" O'Neill asked her. "Skinny, do you really have to ask?" Janet replied as she started taking off her clothes. "Oh, right! But, what about them?" O'Neill asked as he pointed to Groovy O'Neill and Groovy Barch.

"Hmm... Let 'em join," Janet said. "Hey, Groovy, wanna have a contest to see whose Skinny is better in bed?" Janet asked her Groovy counterpart. "Sure, why not? But, does this mean I get a round with your Skin, and you with mine?" Groovy Barch asked her in response. "Well, duh! Now come on!" Janet replied.

Line Break

"So, there I was, just me and the grasshopper, and I kept telling it to make the first move, but that's when I realized that grasshoppers don't know how to play chess," Groovy DeMartino to Commander DeMartino. DeMartino had a look of hopelessness on his face as he listened to his counterpart ramble. He glanced over at Sparks, who was busy playing Solitaire on one of his console monitors.

"And then, I figured out that the grasshopper doesn't know that it's a grasshopper. It just... _is_ a grasshopper! At least until it gets together with a ton of other grasshoppers and becomes a locust," Groovy DeMartino said. _I want to kill myself right now, but which one of myself?_

Line Break

Stormy Waters walked through the halls of Sealab, humming a tune to himself until he came across a fascinating sight. "Oh my god, there _is_ a black Stormy!" he exclaimed with a gasp. Groovy Stormy turned to look at him. "Oh my god, there _is_ a white Stormy!" Groovy Stormy exclaimed.

"I am Groovy Stormy," Groovy Stormy said. "I'm regular Stormy," Stormy said as he and Groovy Stormy stared at each other. The two Stormies just stood there, staring at each other for an indeterminate amount of time.

Line Break

"Commander Li?" Lieutenant Sasha Winters asked as she saw Angela Li sitting back with a joint in her mouth. "Yes, Sasha?" Commander Li asked. "Um, Commander, we always address each other with our ranks and last names," Winters said. "But that's so oppressing and formal," Commander Li said languidly.

"But it's procedure," Lt. Winters replied. Commander Li eyed Lt. Winters hungrily, and Winters took a few steps back. "Say, why don't you come over to my quarters tonight? I'm sure Samantha won't mind," Angela suggested. "Um... I have duties to attend to tonight," Lt. Winters replied firmly. _Besides_ , she thought to herself, _I'm straight. I've tried doing things with other women, and it just doesn't do anything for me. I need a hard, throbbing_ \- "Commander, I just finished the report on that incident with Mrs. Sloane and Lieutenant Commander Dupree's dolphins," Sergeant Martin Frasier said as he walked into Commander Li's office.

"Incident?" Li asked. "You know, the one that Lieutenant Commander Waters reported last month, or year, whichever," Frasier said. "Oh, yes, that one," Li said as she began to remember Stormy's babbling about needing bleach for his brain. "Well, we all need a little love sometimes, no matter whose arms or flippers we find it in," Li said. Frasier and Winters stared at Li incredulously. "Commander... what the hell?" Winters asked.

Line Break

"Hey, look, Kevvy," Brittany Taylor said as she and her boyfriend, Kevin Thompson, approached two youths in the hallway. "Oh my god, two black Kevins!" Kevin exclaimed in shock. Brittany raised an eyebrow. "Two black Kevins? Hey, Kevvy, I have a question..."

Later... "It's twue! It's twue!"* Brittany shouted in ecstasy. "High-five!" the three Kevins exclaimed together in the darkened room of Brittany Taylor's quarters.

Line Break

"Just be cool, bro," Groovy Hesh said. Upchuck shut the door in Groovy Hesh's face as her returned to his post in the reactor room. "I thought we'd had enough of those guys running around," Upchuck said to himself. "Hey, Hesh, what's the status of the-Hesh!" Upchuck cried out as he saw Hesh smoking a joint. "Just relax, Chuck. Everything's all good," Hesh said in a relaxed manner.

"Hesh, we're in the reactor room! We can't afford to get high!" Upchuck shouted angrily at his superior. "Whatever. Hesh finally feels free from the trappings of life," Hesh replied with a smile. "Goddammit! Why couldn't I have been assigned to work with Debbie Dupree? She's feisty! Rrrar," Upchuck said with a purr.

"Uh... sure," Hesh said hesitantly before going back to work. "Hm, when _was_ the last time that I actually said that to anyone?" Upchuck asked himself thoughtfully before looking back at the monitor with the readings for the coolant levels of the reactor.

Line Break

"Now, where did I leave my Happy Bake Oven?" Murphy asked himself as he shifted through various boxes in his closet. "I could've swore that it was in here," he said to himself. "What'cha looking for?" Groovy Murphy asked Murphy. "My Happy Bake Oven! It's the one thing in life that brings me pure joy... other than pudding," Murphy said. "Hey, don't be so down. Happy Bake Ovens are easy to find online," Groovy Murphy said.

"So? Why should I spend more money on something that I already have? I need to save that money for cupcake mixes and replacement parts," Murphy retorted. "And besides, a new one just wouldn't be the same. I mean, it would be the same model, but it wouldn't have the same history as my old one. I wouldn't have the same memories." "Hm, yes, I see," Groovy Murphy said as he scratched his chin. "Well, where was the last place you saw it?" Groovy Murphy asked Murphy. "Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday. Wait a minute, it _was_ yesterday," Murphy said.

"Go on," Groovy Murphy said. "Well... Oh, now I remember! It was in the crew cafeteria," Murphy said. "To the cafeteria we go!" Murphy exclaimed before he and Groovy Murphy exited the room.

Line Break

Later, in Dr. Quinn's lab...

"This isn't good," Quentin said as he looked at the readings on the screen. "The Marijuana smoke is starting to put extra strain on the vaporators and air filters. We need to get the Groovies to go home," he said to himself. "But how? Maybe we can just ask them to go home," he said to himself.

The Groovies seemed friendly enough anyway, unlike the Bizarro's. "Alright, let's just get the dimensional portal turned on and round up the Groovies," he said to himself as he went over to turn on the dimensional portal. The lights blinked a few times, and then they dimmed as sparks shot out of a panel on the back.

"Uh-oh!" Quentin said in surprise as he shut down the machine. He waited a few minutes before going over to the problem area. He opened the panel after putting on some gloves. "Oh no," he groaned. "This is gonna take me a while to fix. Where did Lieutenant Barksdale go? I'm gonna need her help," Quentin said to himself.

Line Break

"That was, like, amazing," Groovy Amy said after Amy replaced a couple of damaged wires for a door in the Recreation Room 01-05B. "Not really," Amy said. "All I did was replace some wires." "But you were, like, so good at it. You had an aura of total control and calm about you, like you were one with the machinery," Groovy Amy said.

Amy turned to look at Groovy Amy with a "You're kidding," expression on her face as she collected her tools and stood up. Amy heard a beeping sound and picked up her radio. "Hello?" she asked. " _Lieutenant Barksdale? Hey, this is Quinn. I need your help fixing my dimensional portal. Could you head over to my lab as soon as you're free?_ " "Sure, I just finished my last assigned task. I'll be right over," Amy said.

Line Break

Groovy Elsie finished her second sandwich and wiped the crumbs from her mouth with her left foot as she watched the two Stormies stare at each other. _This is so exciting_ , she thought to herself as she grabbed another sandwich with her right foot and began eating it.

Line Break

"Hmm, I don't see my Happy Bake Oven in here anywhere," Captain Murphy said as he looked at all of the tables that he had flipped over. "Perhaps we should meditate and see if we can locate the oven with our minds and souls," Groovy Murphy suggested. "That is the _dumbest_ thing I have ever heard!" Murphy retorted.

"It's a machine! Meditation can only help you find other _people!_ Or animals, I suppose, but not machines!" Murphy declared. "Yes, you have a point," Groovy Murphy ceded. "Perhaps... we should indulge in pudding," Groovy Murphy suggested. "Pudding won't fill the emptiness inside me... but, it'll help," Murphy said.

"Yes. It should calm you down enough that you can think of a new plan to find your beloved oven," Groovy Murphy said. "Eh, okay, but what'll it do for you?" Murphy asked his counterpart. "Me? Oh, nothing. I just like pudding," Groovy Murphy replied. "Me too," Murphy said.

Line Break

"So, what's wrong with it?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "Something's wrong with the circuitry, and I need your help to get it fixed. The smoke from the Groovies' marijuana is starting to affect the vaporators and other air filter systems in Sealab," Dr. Quinn replied.

"But they've only been here a few hours," Amy replied. "I know, but they have so much cannabis with them, and they're smoking it so much, the vaporators are going to start having trouble soon. Plus, the smell is starting to get on my nerves," Quentin said.

"Alright then, let's get to work," Amy said. She walked over to a communication console and called up Engineering. "Hey, Marco, can you spare a person or two?" Amy asked him. " _Sure. What for, though?_ " Marco asked her. "We're trying to fix Dr. Quinn's dimensional portal so that he can send the Groovies home," Amy explained.

" _Okay. I'll bring Mack and Andrea with me,_ " Marco said. "Who's Andrea?" Amy asked him. " _She's this goth girl who helps out Dr. Virjay sometimes,_ " Marco replied. "Oh. Um, okay. I guess we'll see you soon. Bye," Amy said before hanging up.

Line Break

"Hey, Jane?" Daria asked. "Yeah?" "I don't know. I just wanted to say your name," Daria said with a smile. "See? She's been like this for over two hours now," Tom said to Dr. Virjay. "Hmm, yes. Well, she is definitely displaying the symptoms of marijuana usage," Dr. Virjay said. "I already told you that part," Tom said.

"Oh, yes. Of course. Well then, what's the problem?" Dr. Virjay asked him. "Well... have you ever seen Daria smile? I mean, smile _really wide?_ " he asked Dr. Virjay quietly. "Um, no, I cannot say that I have," Virjay replied. "Hm, okay. Well, let me show you why it's a problem," Tom said.

"Hey, Daria, say cheese," Tom requested. "Sure. Cheese!" Daria said as she smiled widely. Dr. Virjay stepped back in horror. "Oh my goodness! I am going to have nightmares," he said. "Now do you understand?" Tom asked him. "Yes. Yes I do, but I am currently filled with fear and trauma, and I will require some time to regain control of my bladder. If you'll excuse me, I need to go change my underwear and pants," Dr. Virjay said before he quickly exited the infirmary.

"Well, I guess we don't have a whole lot of options left," Tom said as he turned back to face Daria and Jane. "And I have no idea if Daria's room is safe yet," Tom said to himself as he sat down on a stool. "Well... at least it isn't permanent," he muttered.

Line Break

"Okay, here are the schematics for the dimensional portal," Dr. Quinn said as he spread a series of blue prints out on a table in front of the others. Groovy Amy had entered the room and had climbed onto a table to sleep. "Um, why does it look like a star gate?" Mack asked him. "Shut up," Dr. Quinn said. "Anyway, let's get to work," he said.

[Begin Montage of Amy, Dr. Quinn, Mack, Andrea, and Marco fixing the star gate, in no apparent order. The song Hearts On Fire, by John Cafferty, plays as BGM. Just... you know, imagine that it's playing while reading it]

Marco smacks something with a wrench.

Amy pulls a panel open and grimaces.

Mack unscrews something with a screwdriver.

Andrea uses a wrench to tighten something.

Mack wipes sweat from his forehead.

Groovy Amy wakes up stares at the group before leaving the room.

Andrea opens a panel and a pair of chipmunks jump out. One is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, while the other is wearing a dark brown jacket and a fedora. Andrea raises an eyebrow.

Dr. Quinn adjusts something with a wrench.

Marco hands Amy a pair of pliers as she reaches into a section of the star gate dimensional portal.

Mack pulls out a pair of wires and places them on a cart before he grabs a pair of new wires and carefully puts them in.

Captain Murphy and Groovy Murphy enter the lab, both eating cups of pudding, look around briefly, and then exit the room silently.

A shot of Cyber-Sherman chasing people through a hallway is shown briefly, before Dr. Quinn wakes up and sees the others sleeping. He shakes his head and wakes up the others.

Groovy Elsie enters the room, walking on her hands while eating a sandwich with her feet. She glances around the room while chewing before walking away.

Mack looks at a diagram as he tries reconnecting some wires. He gets shocked badly for his efforts.

Groovy Amy re-enters the room, sipping a large cup of soda through a straw.

Andrea kicks part of the machine, causing her to jump back and hold her foot in pain.

Amy and Dr. Quinn look at something on a table, which is a Where's Waldo book, before Amy excitedly points to a corner of the right-hand page, singling out Waldo. Dr. Quinn gives her a high-five.

Marco uses a wrench to take a few bolts off of the portal.

Dr. Quinn reads something to Andrea, which turns out to be a copy of Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs And Ham. Andrea raises an eyebrow at Dr. Quinn.

Mack puts on a pair of welders' gloves and a welding mask before using a blow-torch to cut a small part of the dimensional portal.

Amy reads a diagram while Marco pulls a panel off of the portal.

Dr. Quinn carefully reaches into a side panel, and pulls out a Happy Bake Oven, gently placing it on a table before returning to the dimensional portal.

Andrea wobbles over to the portal, grabbing a pair of tweezers and reaching into a circuit panel.

Amy scratches her head as she opens a panel and removes a football, a wrench, a snow globe, and a bright pink dildo. She looks questioningly at Dr. Quinn. "So, that's where Debbie misplaced it," he says to himself.

The lights on the portal blink rapidly before going dark.

Amy carefully reaches inside an open panel to grab a loose wire, only to pull out a gremlin with a reptilian Mohawk. It punches her before jumping to the floor and running away. Amy rubs her nose.

Mack carefully adjusts a few nuts and bolts before closing a panel.

[Montage ends as the group stands back to admire the Dimensional Portal, which looks slightly dirtier than before, and a side panel falls off and hits the floor]

"There," Dr. Quinn said, "I think we've fixed it. Andrea, would you do the honors?" Andrea walked over to the control console and pressed the startup button. The lights activated and a swirl of colors appeared inside the portal.

"All right, we did it!" Amy exclaimed. Just then, a figure stepped through the portal, and Amy's smile fell. "Uh-oh," Marco said apprehensively. "Is that... Daria?" Andrea asked rhetorically as she stared at the black-suited girl with blue hair. "What do you people want?" Bizarro Daria asked them harshly.

"Um... nothing. You can go back home," Dr. Quinn said. "Why?" Bizarro Daria asked him. "Um, because... uh, we, um, need to check other dimensions for something that we lost," he said. "Like the Destructo Beam?" Bizarro Daria asked with a wicked smile.

"Uh... yes. See, um, we lost our Destructo Beam while testing this portal. So now it's, well, gone forever unless we can get it back," Amy said. "I see, so there's no point in checking this place a third time for it, is there?" Bizarro Daria asked her. "No, no there is not," Amy replied. "Bummer," Bizarro Daria said before she turned.

Before she re-entered the portal, however, she took one glance behind her and flipped off everyone in the room. She then cackled and entered the portal, before Andrea turned off the machine. "Well, at least we know it works again," Dr. Quinn said.

"Okay, let's start dialing," Marco said. "So, what were the coordinates or whatever that you put in for the Groovies' dimension?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "They were... um, oh dear," he said worriedly. "What? Don't tell me you forgot the coordinates," Amy said with a frown. "Um... yes, I did," Dr. Quinn said.

"Well, just find whatever you wrote them down on," Marco said. "Um, about that," Dr. Quinn said. "You didn't write down the coordinates either?" Amy asked him, frustratedly. "No. No, I did not," Dr. Quinn admitted. "Wait, aren't you a cyborg?" Andrea asked him. "Yeah, so?" "So, can't you just access your memory files or something and retrieve the coordinates?" Andrea asked him.

"Andrea... whatever your last name is," Dr. Quinn said. "That's right," Andrea replied with a nod of her head. "I still have a human brain. I simply built this super fly robot body so that I could survive without succumbing to the horrific diseases that wracked my original body," he explained.

"So, getting back on track, should we make a list of coordinates and the dimensions they access?" Mack asked. "That's a good idea," Marco said. "Alright, let's begin," Dr. Quinn said with determination. "Let's get that probe thing over there ready," Amy said, pointing at a small rover. "Oh, that's just a die-cast model. It doesn't do anything," Dr. Quinn said to her. "Then why is it even in your lab?" Amy asked him.

"You know, I'm really not sure," Dr. Quinn replied as he scratched his head.

The first dimension that they accessed was a dimension of pure itching. "Oh, god! Switch to another, switch to another!" Andrea screamed as she began scratching herself frantically. "I-I'm trying!" Dr. Quinn shouted as he took over and changed the coordinates.

"Mack, did you get those coordinates and dimension written down?" Amy asked as she held her fists to her side, refusing to give in to the itching. "Y-Yes," Mack said, also trying to refuse the itching that overwhelmed him. "How did the itching affect us? We didn't even set foot through that portal," Marco asked.

"Doesn't matter right now, we've moving on," Dr. Quinn said as he input the next coordinates. The next dimension was a cowboy dimension. "Yeehaw!" Cowboy DeMartino shouted as he walked over to the group. "Steel-eyed Marco! I thought I killed you!" he said angrily. "I'm a different Marco," Marco said.

"You don't fool me!" Cowboy DeMartino said as he reached for his holsters. "Hey, I think I smell cheese logs coming from your dimension!" Andrea said. "Cheese logs!? Hot damn! I'll be back later, ya varmint!" Cowboy DeMartino exclaimed as he turned around and entered the portal back to his own dimension.

The third dimension was simply a room with a gigantic moose in it. "Okay, moving on," Dr. Quinn said quietly and fearfully as The Moose watched them silently, its gaze piercing through their very souls. Andrea had never felt so frightened in her entire life as The Moose stared at her while munching on some walnuts. She shuddered with fear every time she heard a the crunch of The Moose's teeth against the walnut shells.

The fourth dimension was a dimension of sound and color, much like their own, except that everyone was a talking technicolor pony. "Hi! I'm Delightful Daria!" a bespectacled pony said flatly. "Please, don't mind my appearance, I'm actually quite friendly," Delightful Daria said flatly. "Hey, Dar, Tom is coming over to our pasture tonight for some moonlight laps with me. Wanna join us?" Artful Jane asked. "How many laps do you think he can handle?" Pony Daria asked with a smirk.

"Oh. My. God," Amy said. "Next!"

The fifth dimension was a nightmarish dimension of horrors. "This place is too small!" hissed Nightmare Daria, who had green slime oozing from her shark-teeth filled mouth and her pure white eyes. "Change the channel, I mean dimension!" Mack yelled in fear. "Change it, change it!"

The sixth dimension was also nightmarish. "I am the great Tacolio!" cried Jane as she pulled her shirt over her head and held her arms up in the air. "Shut up, butt-muncher!" Daria said before chuckling. "You dare threaten me!?" Jane shrieked. "Change it! Change it!" Amy shouted before kicking both Daria and Jane back into their dimension.

The seventh dimension was a dimension where everyone was a Dromeosaur** of some kind. Deinonychus Daria looked up at Achillobator Jane before hissing at the group. "I am hungry! Feed me your first laid eggs and children!" Deinonychus Daria demanded.

"As cool as this is, we really should change to another dimension," Mack said after writing down the dimensional coordinates. "I will paint this room with your blood! And some acrylics, too, if you have any," Achillobator Jane said.

The eighth dimension was one of pure dookie. "Next, next, next!" Andrea screamed in horror.

The ninth dimension was one where everybody was apparently John Malkovich. "What. The. Fuck?" Mack asked in apprehensive horror. "Malkovich, Malkovich!" Malkovich Daria said. "Malkovich?" Malkovich Jane asked her. "Mm, Malkovich," Malkovich Daria replied.

The tenth Dimension was one where everybody was apparently a mobile suit pilot. "We could really use your help defeating the Principality of Li-on, headed by the Evil Empress Angela Li!" Tom said. "Sorry, but... none of us here are newtypes, and we don't even know how to pilot a mobile suit," Andrea replied. "Although, I _could_ help you lose your virginity," Andrea added with a wink and a smile.

"But I already lost that to Daria," Tom said. Andrea's face fell. "Oh. Well, get back to your own dimension!" she said before pushing him back. "Well, so much for that," Mack said before Dr. Quinn put in a new set of coordinates.

Line Break

"These sheets will need to be replaced entirely. No washing, just complete replacement," Tom said as he looked at Daria's bed in dismay. "Hey, Tom, wanna-what happened to my bed spread!?" Daria shrieked as her high finally began to wear off. _Why did it take so long for that to happen?_

Line Break

"-the two of us toge~ether!" sang Penguin Kevin. "You are incredibly _annoying!_ " sang Penguin Mack. "Why do they keep singing?" Amy asked rhetorically. "Hey, buddy, you wanna get back to your own dimension?" Marco asked the singing penguin with a scarf.

"Yes, please, both of you, get back to your dimension of singing penguins and giant seals, please!" Dr. Quinn begged before Andrea pushed both of the singing penguins back into their own dimension. "You know, it's strange, but I can't help but feel like I've heard that song before," Mack said thoughtfully.

The twentieth dimension finally was the one they were looking for. "Hey, man, what's up?" asked Groovy Stacey as she exited the portal. "Okay, let's get the Groovies back home," Dr. Quinn said.

Line Break

"Please form an orderly line as you go back home," Dr. Quinn said. Lieutenant Winters and Tommy Sherman both kept their eyes on the line of Groovies as they entered the portal. "Finally, they're all going back home," Daria said as she leaned against the wall of Dr. Quinn's lab, watching the Groovies leave.

"Um, Daria, listen, I've asked Commander Oates to put in an order for new bed sheets," Tom said as he stood next to her. "Oh, um, thanks," Daria said to him. "I don't know how to get the smell of marijuana out of those sheets, especially when it's combined with... well, you know," Tom said.

"Hippy sweat," Daria said. "That too," Tom said, nodding his head. Soon, only a few Groovies were left in the line. Groovy Murphy walked forward, holding a Happy Bake Oven in his hands as he stepped through the portal. Groovy Stormy stepped forward and smacked his head against the side of the portal, forcing Lt. Winters to drag him onto the ramp and push him through the portal.

"Well, I'm glad that's over with," Captain Murphy said. Captain Shanks nodded his head in agreement. "Hey, wait a minute," Murphy said as he narrowed his eyes. "That bastard took my Happy Bake Oven with him! Dr. Quinn, keep the portal open!" Murphy ordered as he rushed forward and entered the portal.

Everyone waited a few minutes before Captain Murphy returned with his Happy Bake Oven in his hands. "I have returned victorious. Now, who wants to join me in the cafeteria for a celebration?" Murphy asked with a smile. "Sure," said Daria. "Sounds good to me," said Jane. The others nodded their heads in agreement.

"Nah, I'm gonna to head to the bridge," Amy said as she left the room. "Suit yourself," Captain Murphy said.

Line Break

"And then he charged forward and entered the portal," Amy said. "And he came back empty-handed?" Sparks asked her. "No, he got his oven back," she said. "Uh-oh," Sparks said. "Huh? What do you mean by that?" Amy asked him. "Um... see, I gave that Happy Bake Oven to the Groovies as a means of making sure they would never come back here," Sparks said.

"How does that work?" Amy said. "Well, I converted that oven into a 50 megaton bomb," Sparks said. Amy blinked. "You did what?" she asked him. "Yeah, I figured they would go back, turn it on, and boom, no more Groovies," Sparks said.

"But... Captain Murphy has that oven with him in the cafeteria!" Amy exclaimed. "We need to get down there, now!" Sparks said as he shot out of his chair and followed Amy off of the bridge. "I hope we're not too late!" Amy exclaimed as they rushed through the hallway.

Five minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: Dare To Be Stupid, by Weird Al Yankovich

* * *

Well, that's episode 27. The next episode will be the finale of Season 2, and it is going to be weird and surreal. Oh and, the two black Kevins? This is a bit of a brick joke, if you read've Debbie Goes Maternal and Stuff.

*Yeah, the 1234 song by the Plain White Tees? I fucking hate that sappy song. I hate it so goddamn much. Even sappy Hallmark movies don't fill me with as much hatred as that song. Also, the guitar breaking sequence was an homage to Animal House.

* Blazing Saddles. BLAZING SADDLES. That is all.

*Mel Brooks' History of the World Part 1. In fact, the idea of any version of Daria saying that line is what inspired me to write this particular episode in the first place.

**Dromeosaurs are raptors. They include Dromeosaur, Velociraptor, Deinonychus, Achillobator, Utahraptor, and others.

It has also occurred to me that I have been misspelling Stacy Rowe's name for the entirety of almost every story that I have written, and no one on either FFN or PPMB has pointed this out to me. Why has no one pointed this out to me!?


	14. In A Mind Of Madness

Lawndale 2021

SDCU-0001-AAAA

Episode 028 [2-14]: In A Mind Of Madness

Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.

Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.

* * *

Opening Theme:

 _Excuse Me, Excuse Me…_

 _I guess I'll have to be direct_

 _If you're gonna' stand on my neck_

 _Then you'd better check under the sea_

 _Cause that is where you'll find me_

 _Underneath the Sealab!_

 _Underneath the water_

 _Sealab!_

 _At the bottom of the Sea!_

* * *

Date: Wednesday, January 25th, 2022

Stormy Waters walked slowly through the corridors of Pod 05, searching for a janitor's closet or an equipment room of some kind. Lieutenant Commander Barch and Lieutenant Commander Marquez had both tasked him with retrieving some spare equipment for a series of hallways that were undergoing maintenance in Pod 04. Unfortunately, there was only enough equipment and supplies available in Pod 04 for a third of the section being worked on (and Dr. Virjay refused to allow his spare equipment to be taken from the Med-Bay, since it was very specific and expensive equipment), hence Stormy being sent to another pod to retrieve more supplies.

"Yeah, sure I'll walk around here all by myself for your stuff," Stormy grumbled as he passed by a handful of maintenance workers fixing a series of lights in a corridor. "I wonder... why am I always chosen to get things that are far away from the action?"

Line Break

"There," said Marco, "It's finished." "And with Stormy far away, we didn't have to worry about getting electrocuted by accident or having our hands crushed by hum dropping something," Janet Barch said. "Nope. That was an excellent lie you came up with," Marco said.

"Well, when you work around simple-minded fools like men, you have to be able to lie to them. They're always planning to take advantage of honesty and use it against someone," Barch said.

"Um... sure," Marco said with a frown.

Line Break

Stormy opened a door to an unmarked room. "Hmm, I wonder what's in here," he said to himself as he walked inside and turned on a light. He saw a strange door inside the room, and walked over to it. "Another door! It's like a puzzle or something!" he said as he opened the door and stepped inside.

Line Break

"What's wrong with him?" Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn asked Dr. Virjay. "I am afraid that I do not know the exact cause of his condition," Virjay responded. Stormy was lying on a bed in the infirmary. He'd slipped into a coma for reasons unknown after disappearing in Pod 05.

"Do you think he'll recover?" Marco asked with concern. "I am unsure. Until we can identify the cause of his condition, I cannot say for sure. Tell me, what was he doing in Pod Five?" Dr. Virjay replied. "We sent him to get extra supplies to keep him away long enough for us to finish repairs," Marco replied.

"Why would you send him away if you did not actually need extra supplies?" Dr. Virjay asked him. "Do you remember that incident with the service elevator?" Marco asked him. "I was not really involved in that," Dr. Virjay replied. "I remember," Dr. Quinn said. "I didn't want Stormy causing more problems," Marco explained.

"So... should we just wait for him to come out while we investigate?" Dr. Quinn suggested. "That is probably the only thing that you _can_ do right now," Dr. Virjay replied. "Okay, let's investigate that room he was in. Maybe there was something we overlooked when we found him in there," Marco said.

Date: Thursday, January 26th, 2022

"We've gone over that room in Pod Five centimeter by centimeter, and we still haven't found squat!" Marco exclaimed in frustration. "Remember how someone thought they heard a scream before we investigated Stormy's whereabouts?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "Yeah, you were in the corridor when a maintenance worker told you about it... actually, no, Barch and I _weren't_ in that area when you heard about it," Marco said.

"That's right. Well, I heard a maintenance worker tell me about the scream," Dr. Quinn said. "Yes, you've told me this a few times. Like when Commander Li once went on a rant about someone not wearing a collar that matched regulations," Marco said. "Please don't compare me to her," Dr. Quinn asked him.

"Um, I know this may seem rude," Sparks said, "But why are you guys discussing this here on the bridge?" Dr. Quinn and Marco turned to look at Sparks, who was seated at his station. "Oh please! You're playing card games on that thing instead of doing your job, so where do you get off telling us not to do... things!?" Marco asked him.

"Point taken," Sparks said as he returned his attention to his game of Free Cell. Just then, one of the bridge doors opened, revealing Daria and Jane. "And I have never seen something so strange in my life. I mean, who puts hot mustard on a peanut butter sandwich? Seriously?" Jane asked. "Well, Apparently _she_ does," Daria replied with a hint of disgust in her voice.

"Lieutenant Morgendorffer," Dr. Quinn said. "Dr. Quinn," Daria responded. "Jane," Jane said with a smirk. "So, I've recently heard that Stormy is in a coma," Daria said. "Yeah, and we don't know what caused it," Dr. Quinn said. "Is there any way to find out?" Daria asked him. "No. We've searched every inch of the room that he was in when it happened, and we've already done blood tests to see if there's anything in his system that may have contributed to it," Dr. Quinn replied.

"Have the blood tests shown anything?" Jane asked. "They haven't finished yet," Marco said. "Oh," Jane said. "Hopefully, they'll be done by tomorrow, and then we can find out how to wake him up," Dr. Quinn said. "Well, good luck," Jane said as Dr. Quinn and Marco began walking away.

Line Break

"Then who's going to help me move stuff around in Cargo Bay Twelve?" Captain Murphy asked. "You'll just have to find someone else," Dr. Quinn replied. "I can spare some of my time to help you," Marco volunteered. "Stupid Stormy, getting into a coma," Murphy muttered. "Okay, well, the first thing I need you to do is help me carry that big crate over to the lift so that we can get it out of here," Murphy said as he pointed to a large crate sitting on a pallet. "Um, could we just use a forklift to move it?" Marco asked.

"Stormy never used a forklift," Murphy said. "Did he have a license?" Marco asked. "I actually don't know," Murphy replied thoughtfully. "Hmm, maybe I should just find some new Stormies to take his place until he wakes up," Murphy said. "What? Where are you going to find a 'replacement' Stormy?" Dr. Quinn asked him.

Line Break

"So, tell me, um..." Captain Murphy paused, unsure of the boy's name. "Kevin. I'm the QB!" Kevin Thompson said. "Right, Kevin. Can you lift upwards of fifty pounds?" Captain Murphy asked. "Well, I can lift my girlfriend into the air," Kevin said. "Hmm, yes, but how much does she weigh?" Murphy asked him. "Huh, I don't know. I was always told that asking a girl her weight is rude for some reason," Kevin replied with a shrug.

"Yes, they _do_ take offense to that," Murphy said. "Any idea why?" Kevin asked Murphy. "Huh? Uh, no. No idea," Murphy replied. "So, anyway, I need you to be my Replacement Stormy until Stormy comes out of his coma," Murphy said. "Huh... Would I have to stop being the QB?" Kevin asked in reply. "Hmm, I don't think so," Murphy answered.

"Cool!" Kevin exclaimed. "Yes, cool. Now, uh, Replacement Stormy, I need you to sign a little waver first," Murphy said. He handed Kevin a modified version of the liability waver that Dethklok had brought onto the station during their concert. A handful of the forms had been left behind, so Murphy was able to use those as a starting point in case something like this would ever happen.

"Okay, sign there... and here... and here... cursive here... here... and here," Murphy said with a smile. "Okay, just let me make a copy of this and we'll be good to go," Murphy said as he walked away. "Just head on over to Cargo Bay Twelve, I'll meet you there," Murphy called over his shoulder.

Line Break

"Is there anything we can do at all to wake him up?" Marco asked Quentin. "I don't know. Unless we can figure out what caused it, we may never... wait a minute," Quentin said as the gears turned in his head. "That machine I built two years ago! It might be able to help us," he said. "You've lost me. What machine?" Marco asked him. "Just give me a few hours. I should have it ready by tomorrow," Dr. Quinn said as he rushed toward his lab.

Date: Friday, January 27th, 2022

A large group of people were gathered around Stormy's bed in the infirmary. "So... what does this thing do again?" Daria asked Dr. Quinn as she looked at the strange machine next to Stormy's bedside. "This... is the Mind Explorer!" Dr. Quinn said proudly. "Okay, but what does it _do?_ " Daria asked him again.

"Oh, it allows two or more people to enter someone's mind and explore their inner psyche and stuff. I built it two years ago, but I could never find anyone worth using it on... until you people showed up, but by then I had forgotten about it," Quentin replied. "Right, so is it safe?" Jane asked nervously.

"Um... it should be," Dr. Quinn said. "Should isn't the same as being," Daria said with a frown. "Well, it's still our best shot at helping Stormy," Dr. Quinn responded. "Okay, so who's going to use it?" Jane asked him. Everyone in the room mumbled and looked at each other. "I'll go," Daria volunteered. "That's one person, and the other?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Wait, you aren't going in?" Jane asked him.

"No, I have to stay out here and make sure that nothing happens. I'm the only person who knows how it works," Dr. Quinn replied. "Um... sure you don't wanna teach a few other people how to use it?" Jane asked him. "Maybe later. Right now, though, we need to get ready for a journey into Stormy's mind.

"Hmm, you know, maybe I'll go along as well," Captain Shanks volunteered. "Wait, aren't you in charge of pods eighteen through thirty-six? Why are you over here in the first place?" Marco asked him. "That's a good question," Shanks said. Marco waited.

"Well, aren't you gonna give me an answer?" Marco asked him. "Uh, maybe by the end of the episode," Shanks said. "Episode? What are you talking about? Do you have a TV show being recorded around here somewhere?" Marco asked him. Everyone else looked at Captain Shanks in confusion.

"Uh, never mind," Shanks said while slowly shaking his head. "Hey, where's Captain Murphy?" Jane asked. "Oh, he's busy with Replacement Stormy right now," Marco explained. "Replacement Stormy?" Jane asked. "Uh-huh. He even found a Replacement Quinn too, although I think he's just training Replacement Quinn for the future," Marco replied.

"Um, wait, what?" Jane asked him. "Yep," Marco replied.

Line Break

"This thing is _really heavy!_ " Kevin/Replacement Stormy whined. "Quit complaining! Stormy didn't complain... much," Captain Murphy said. "Um, Captain, are you sure this is safe?" Mack/Future Replacement Quinn asked. "Uh, no. No, I am not sure, but I also don't care," Captain Murphy said as he watched Kevin lift up a 180 pound container. "Ow, my foot!" he cried after dropping it.

"Great! Not only did you drop the container, but you also busted your foot!" Murphy exclaimed. "Can't you do anything right!?" he asked condescendingly. "I wanna go home!" Kevin whined. "Not until you get that crate off your foot! Now come on, lift!"

Line Break

"I'm sure they're fine," Marco said with a smile and a shrug. "So, who else wants to volunteer?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Jane?" he asked. "Sorry, but I've been having trouble with machinery lately. Electrical equipment doesn't seem to like me very much for some reason," Jane responded. "Okay, Commander DeMartino?" Dr. Quinn asked. "Very well. It would NOT be RESPONSIBLE for me to allow a fellow crew member to enter a potentially DANGEROUS situation without some form of help," DeMartino said.

"Alright, let's begin!" Dr. Quinn announced as he led the two over to a pair of beds with nodes and things. Quinn spent ten minutes setting them up. "Okay, now, let's see what's in Stormy's mind," he said as he flipped a switch.

* * *

Daria opened her eyes and looked around a vast, empty hangar. Commander DeMartino was standing next to her. "Um... so, this is Stormy's mind," Daria said. "It certainly explains his idiocy," Commander DeMartino said. He walked over to a crate with drawings of pinup girls on it. He pressed against it with a finger, and it jumped into the air, giggling. "No touchy!" the crate laughed before flying away.

"The hell?" DeMartino asked. "Hello," said a flat voice. Daria and DeMartino turned around to see another Daria. "Oh come on, haven't we had enough of these?" DeMartino muttered under his breath. "Hello. I am Daria. I like to hang out on the bridge with Sparks. Sparks is an asshole, but I do not mind because he is a cripple," Stormy Daria said.

"What? He isn't crippled! He's just lazy," Daria retorted. "I do not know about that. Also, I am okay with him because he is banging my mom, who is also somehow my aunt, even though she looks just like me. Maybe I am a clone of her?" Stormy Daria said before taking off her glasses to wipe them, revealing that she had no eyes underneath.

Daria felt one of her eyes begin to twitch. "Do we really need to have Stormy come out of a coma that badly?" Daria asked DeMartino. "Lieutenant Morgendorffer, I will not condone potential homicide simply because Lieutenant Waters is an idiot. That is no reason for him to die," DeMartino said reluctantly.

"What about when we find the-" "HELLO! I am COMMANDER DEMARTINO! I am ALWAYS ANGRY and I TALK funny! Nobody LIKES ME!" Stormy DeMartino exclaimed. "Is this really how Stormy VIEWS US!?" Commander DeMartino asked rhetorically. "Maybe," Daria said.

"Hey, um, you wouldn't happen to know how to wake up Stormy, would you?" Daria asked the Stormy version of DeMartino. "NO! I do NOT! I know NOTHING except YELLING WEIRDLY!" Stormy DeMartino exclaimed. One of his eyes began bulging and spittle flew from his mouth. As he continued his rant, his head began to slowly circle clockwise before eventually realigning itself.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance." Daria and DeMartino turned around to see a tiger with Brittany's head on it. "Follow me!" Tiger Brittany said as she jumped into the air and flew in the direction of a door. Several pipes with frowny faces drawn on them began to rise from the floor and shake angrily.

"Let's follow the, um, let's follow her!" DeMartino exclaimed as he and Daria ran after Tiger Brittany. After entering the door, they found themselves in a space filled with clouds and pink lighting and cotton candy and blue globs of... blue stuff floating in the air. "I am so confused right now," DeMartino said.

Soon, the disembodied head of Angela Li appeared before them, hovering in the air. "I am the great Llliiiiii! Security is security! I keep everything of mine locked away in a secret drawer marked secret! I also steal money from the Sealab Budget to pay for my vibrators and useless security equipment that never works properly!"

"Huh... this one ain't that different from the real thing," Daria said. "Obey ME!" Stormy Li shouted maniacally as she chomped down on the cloud, causing Daria and DeMartino to fall forward. "Quickly," DeMartino began, "Get on the clouds and run!" "Yay! Follow me! Follow Me!" Tiger Brittany exclaimed happily as she turned around and bounded toward a large floating island.

Soon, meatballs began raining from the sky. Daria winced as several balls hit her in the face. "What the hell is wrong with Stormy's head!?" DeMartino cried.

* * *

"My feet hurt," Kevin said tiredly. "My arms hurt," Mack said. "My ears hurt from listening to you two babies whining!" Captain Murphy said. "Now come on! This giant cupcake maker isn't gonna' build itself!" "Captain, come on, we aren't official crew members! Please, just let us go!" Mack pleaded. "Shut up, Future Replacement Quinn!" Murphy snapped at him.

"But I don't _want_ to replace Dr. Quinn!" Mack exclaimed. "Well _tooooooo_ bad! You're gonna replace Dr. Quinn one day, and you're gonna like it!" Murphy retorted sassily. "And then, one day, you're gonna build me a robot body. It'll be an Adrienne Barbeau-bot, with D-Cups full of justice!" Murphy said with a smile.

* * *

"Aw, you guys look tired!" Tiger Brittany said with a frown as DeMartino and Daria collaped onto their knees and took deep breaths. They had finally reached the island, and Floating Head Li had flown away somewhere. "I know what'll get you guys moving!" Tiger Brittany said with a smile. Daria heard a plopping sound and looked up to see something she had never wanted to see.

Small, brightly colored balls fell out of Tiger Brittany's ass. "I can poop candy!" Tiger Brittany exclaimed happily. Daria looked over at DeMartino, who had a look of shock, disgust, and disbelief on his face. "I can't take this," he said to himself. "Are we sure that we didn't enter Captain Murphy's head by mistake?" Daria asked.

"I don't wanna know what goes on in _that man's_ head," DeMartino said. "Did someone call my name?" Daria and DeMartino both frowned at the booming voice that came from over a hill. They looked up, and saw the floating head of Captain Murphy, with an army of small cupcakes on the ground.

"Eat me, great one!" one of the cupcakes cried. Stormy Murphy opened his mouth and his tongue snaked out and went down to the ground, traveling several meters before wrapping around the cupcake and bringing it into his mouth. "Yay!" the cupcake cried before it was devoured. "Mm, yes," Stormy Murphy said sensually.

"I should've brought Sparks in here," Daria said. Stormy Murphy gasped and frowned. "I do not like Sparks. He is a jerk. One time, he found a room full of pipes and became the biggest bitch afterwards, declaring himself the pipe master!" Stormy Murphy said.

"Um... okay," Daria said flatly. "So, where is Sparks at?" Daria asked him. "He is currently off somewhere... probably banging that woman who who is both your mother and your aunt at the same time because she looks like you," Stormy Murphy said. "I'm getting really tired of this," Daria muttered.

"Although, she does keep him occupied so that he isn't mean to the great Stormy," Stormy Murphy said thoughtfully. "Um... why do people keep talking about either their own or other people's sex lives in front of me?" DeMartino asked. "The Great Stormy. Um, do you know where he is?" Daria asked Stormy Murphy. "Sure! He's hiding somewhere because he found the horrifying thing!"

"The horrifying thing?" Daria asked him. "Yes! It is a thing of much horror... and... stuff," Stormy Murphy said before snaking out his tongue to grab another cupcake and devour it. "Was it Commander Li naked?" DeMartino asked. "No! If it were that, then Stormy would simply sit in his room crying and drinking! No, this was something different!" Stormy Murphy exclaimed.

"Still, do you know how to find him?" Daria asked. "Um... not really," Stormy Murphy replied in a contemplative tone. "Do you know of anyone who might know how to find him?" Daria asked. "Uh... Quinn might know," Stormy Murphy said. "Quinn?" Daria asked, unsure of whether Stormy Murphy was referring to Dr. Quinn or her sister.

"Yes! The smart guy!" Stormy Murphy exclaimed. "Please let the Dr. Quinn in Stormy's head be like the real one," DeMartino whispered. "I can take you to him," Stormy Murphy said before devouring another cupcake. "No, let me take them to him!" Tiger Brittany exclaimed.

"Hmm... okay!" Stormy Murphy said in agreement before flying away with his cupcake minions following beneath his shadow. "Well, get on my back!" Tiger Brittany said as she walked over to Daria and DeMartino. "Um... something just feels _wrong_ about this whole thing," DeMartino said as he climbed onto Tiger Brittany's back. "After we get out of here, let us never speak of this again," Daria said. "Agreed," DeMartino said.

"Here we gooooooo!" Tiger Brittany yelled happily as she shot forward through the forest. As she ran, Daria looked down and saw a rainbow-colored trail appearing underneath Tiger Brittany's paws. DeMartino looked around as the trees and bushes blurred by, soon seeing swirling colors in the sky and gigantic nuts and bolts floating in the air.

 _Always, I want to be with you, and make believe with you! And live in harmony, harmony, oh love!_

Tiger Brittany leapt over a log with a happy shout as she continued forward. "I think... I'm going... to throw up," DeMartino said queasily. "Don't puke on me," Daria said. DeMartino turned his head and puked over the side as Tiger Brittany continued running, before eventually slowing down as they entered a clearing. There were bushes and trees made out of pipes and candy, along with large sunflowers with smiley faces on them.

"Hello!" the sunflowers sang cheerfully. Brittany soon came to a stop in front of a British police box. DeMartino fell over to the side and finished emptying his stomach onto the ground while Daria dismounted Tiger Brittany and slowly walked forward. "Is he inside?" Daria asked Tiger Brittany. "Usually. Sometimes he leaves to go dancing at the big room!" Tiger Brittany chirped in response.

"Uh-huh," Daria replied slowly. She hesitantly brought up a fist and gently tapped on the door of the police box. After three more knocks, the door opened and the Stormy version of Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn stepped out. He was wearing a frock coat and a long multi-colored scarf. "Hello, I'm Doctor Q, and you are?" he asked. "I'm Daria," Daria replied. "Oh my, another one? Oh, and a strange version of DeMartino," Dr. Q said.

"Um, look, can you just tell us how to find Stormy and help him wake up from his coma?" Daria asked Dr. Q. "Hmm... possibly," Dr. Q replied thoughtfully while scratching his chin. Daria raised an eyebrow at his response.

"Hi, Doctor Q!" Tiger Brittany called out. "Hello, Brittany," Dr. Q replied with a smile as he waved at her. "Yes, now, Stormy's coma?" Daria asked Dr. Q. "Right, yes, hmm, indeed, interesting, affirmative, undoubtedly, very much so," Dr. Q said thoughtfully. "And yet... you're still the _least_ insane person in here," Daria said with a sigh.

"Hmm, Charles! Hesh!" Dr. Q shouted. Daria watched as two sumo wrestlers with the heads of Upchuck and Hesh on them walked out of the police box. "I am Charles!" "And I am Hesh!" " **And we are going... to help you out!** " the both said in unison. DeMartino's face fell as he began whimpering at the madness around him.

* * *

"Something's wrong!" Dr. Quinn exclaimed as DeMartino began convulsing. "We need to stabilize him!" Marco shouted as he rushed over to the table. Jane and Tom tried grabbing DeMartino's arms to hold him down. DeMartino's eyes began to flutter open and he starting grunting in pain. "N-No! No more!" he began screaming as he started to wake up.

"Do NOT Waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnttt!" DeMartnio shouted as he jolted awake. He began gasping for breath as he put a hand to his chest. "No more, please!" he pleaded. "My god... what happened in there?" Dr. Quinn asked him. Debbie Dupree splashed water on DeMartino's face to help him. "Cut that OUT!" he exclaimed.

"What happened?" Marco asked him. "I've... seen things! Horrible things!" DeMartino began sobbing. "Did you see Commander Li naked?" Marco asked him with a shudder. "No, but it was still pretty bad," DeMartino replied. "And now Lieutenant Morgendorffer is in there by herself. Dear God! What chance does she have!?" Dr. Quinn exclaimed in horror.

* * *

"I'm alone in here," Daria whispered to herself after DeMartino disappeared. "Hmm... okay," Dr. Q said. "But... Doctor Q, I need you to help me wake up Stormy," Daria said firmly. "Uh, sure," Dr. Q agreed. "Do you know what the horrible thing was that he saw?" she asked him.

"Ah, that. Well, it wasn't just _seeing_ , but _hearing_ as well," Dr. Q stated. "Wait, say what?" Daria asked him, not liking where this was going. "Here, allow me to show you some fragments of what had transpired," Dr. Q said as he led Daria inside his police box, which was a gigantic room on the inside. He walked over to a screen and turned it on. "There, Stormy had just entered a room within a room to see... well, I guess this part has been repressed too much for me to show you. You'll have to travel to the memory lounge to find it, although that place has been all topsy turvy since then," Dr. Q said.

"Okay, then let's get going," Daria said. "Sorry, but I'm afraid that I can't go with you," Dr. Q said. "Why not?" Daria asked him. "I don't know, I just can't," he replied. "Can't... or _won't?_ " Daria asked him. "Won't," he replied with a smile.

"Okay, can you at least tell me how to get there?" she asked him. "Sure, just take this map. It's one of the few things here that's straight-forward," Dr. Q said as he handed Daria a map. "Um, thanks, I guess," Daria said. "You're welcome, now I have to get ready for Debbie's arrival. She and I are going to shag all night long," Dr. Q said as a disco ball descended into the center of the room behind him.

"Can I take the Sumo guys with me?" Daria asked him. "No, Debbie likes them. She takes a bat and swings it at their faces, which always makes her smile. I like seeing her smile. I like cheese," Dr. Q said with a grin. "Um... right. Well, I'll be on my way," Daria said as she left the police box. "Hey, Brittany, let's go," Daria said. "Okay!" Tiger Brittany exclaimed happily as Daria mounted her.

"Where are we going?" Tiger Brittany asked her. "Um... we're going to the Memory Lounge," Daria said. "Yay! Let's go!" Tiger Brittany cheered before taking off at a high speed.

* * *

"I can't... feel my hands," Mack said tiredly as he finished tightening the last bolt of the Giant Cupcake Maker. "Good work, Future Replacement Quinn!" Captain Murphy said proudly.

"Thank you. Now... may I please go?" Mack asked him. "Not yet. We need to add the ingredients to test it!" Captain Murphy replied. "Nooo!" Kevin shouted. "Yes!" Murphy shouted back maniacally. "Oh, wait, we need to find a power source for it!" Murphy exclaimed after smacking himself in the forehead.

* * *

"Here we are!" Tiger Brittany said as she and Daria stopped at a train terminal. "Um, this isn't the Memory Lounge," Daria pointed out. "I know! This is the terminal that will take us there!" Tiger Brittany chirped happily. "Um... okay. Do we need tickets?" Daria asked. "Huh? No, of course not," Tiger Brittany replied.

Soon, a train pulled into a stop and the doors opened. Daria and Tiger Brittany stepped inside before the doors closed and they took their seats. Daria looked across the aisle and saw someone reading a newspaper. The headline on the front page was "TOILET PAPER SUPPLIES LOW IN POD SIX. THOSE JERKS DESERVE THEIR FATE."

Daria shrugged her shoulders at the line. The newspaper was soon folded and placed in a lap as Daria gasped at seeing a familiar face. "Hello, beautiful," said Elsie Sloane, without a voice modulator. "Elsie, what are you doing here?" Daria asked her. "Oh, wait, you're the Stormy version of Elsie," Daria said.

"Yes... and no. I'm an echo of the previous times Stormy has encountered me," Elsie said. "An echo? What does that mean?" Daria asked her. The sky outside the train had turned orange and the light filtered into the train car. "It means that I am here and everywhere," Elsie said.

"Stormy's coma will not be permanent, but it will last a while. You, however, need to leave soon," Echo Elsie said. "I'm not following," Daria stated, confused. Echo Elsie sighed. "Daria, darling, I am the reason for Stormy's coma. He saw something that only Captain Shanks could withstand, and to protect him while his brain healed, I placed him into a coma," Echo Elsie said.

"I'm still confused," Daria said flatly. "You see, the individual truth of a single person is not always aligned or uniform with the fundamental truth of the universe. The flow and ebb of fate can always clash with free will, but sometimes they must act together. Do you understand?" Elsie asked her.

Daria stared at Elsie and blinked a couple of times. "No. I haven't got a clue what you're talking about, not a fucking clue," Daria replied. "The truths we hold dear to ourselves can always last if they do not conflict with the truth of reality, but if our personal truths do not-" "Please start making sense," Daria interjected.

Elsie sighed. "Very well, let me show you a universal truth that your mind can comprehend," Elsie said as the train car vanished from around them. They were now standing on clouds. Soon, the clouds became two dimensional sketches, and they were all on a white piece of paper. "What the fuck!?" Daria exclaimed.

They were now inside a room, and on a drawing board table. Soon, a door opened and a man walked inside. "Hey, whats' going on!?" Daria cried out. The man's eyes widened and he cried out in fear before running away. Elsie soon snapped her fingers and she and Daria returned to the clouds. "Do you now understand the source of Stormy's terror? That from which I had to shield him?" Elsie asked.

"I don't understand," Daria replied. "Stormy isn't strong enough to accept the fact that we are all fictional characters in a crossover fan fiction," Elsie said. "Elsie... what in the seven hells are you talking about? We're in Stormy's head! That's why nothing makes sense here, not us being fictional characters or some bullshit," Daria exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, then read this," Elsie said as she handed Daria a piece of paper. " _Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV?_ " Daria read aloud in disbelief. "E-Elsie... what is this?" Daria asked with a hitch in her voice. "Here, watch this as well," Elsie said before a TV magically appeared, and the first episode of MTV's Daria began playing. " _Did we move?_ "

"W-What is this!?" Daria asked, horrified. "And check out some of this," Elsie said with a sadistic smile. " _I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom._ " Daria began to curl up into a ball and cry as she watched Jane walked away from her on the TV. " _Come back! I'm sorry. I'm sorry._ " Daria continued crying as she felt a soothing hand run down her back.

"Shh, there, there. It's okay," Elsie whispered to the whimpering Daria. "Please, make it stop," Daria pleaded. "I can't. I do not have the power to remake the world anymore. Not until the end of the third season," Elsie said. "Please, stop talking like that," Daria begged.

They were soon standing on clouds. "What the hell!?" Daria cried out. "Daria, relax," Elsie said. Soon, multiple people began appearing in a circle around them. "Congratulations," said Amy. "Congratulations," said Dr. Quinn. "Congratulations," said Quinn Morgendorffer. "Way to go, Amiga!" said Marco. "Hey, are you gonna return that rock CD you borrowed from me any time soon?" Sparks asked her. "Congratulations," Commander DeMartino said. "Congratulations," said Upchuck. "Hesh wishes to congratulate you!" Hesh said.

Daria wiped away her tears and smiled. "Thank you all," she said, before they all disappeared and she and Elsie were alone again on the cloud. "Now, Daria, I need you to wake up. You must return to the proper state of being, and to the universal truth that you hold dear. I will always be with you. I mean, I'm still technically there anyway," Elsie said. She then brought Daria's mouth towards hers in a gentle kiss. "Now, wake up," Elsie said.

* * *

"Daria, you're back!" Jane exclaimed as she rushed over and hugged Daria, who hugged her back with equal fervor. Daria grabbed Jane and kissed her hard before resting her chin on Jane's shoulder. "So, did you find out what caused Stormy's coma?" Dr. Quinn asked her.

"I don't remember. I can't remember a damn thing after entering that train car with Tiger Brittany," Daria said. "Aw, damn it," Dr. Quinn said.

Meanwhile, in the reactor room, Captain Murphy plugged in the power cord of his Giant Cupcake Maker. Hesh and Upchuck were tied up in ropes with gags over their mouths, shaking their heads. "Aha! Now we can power this thing on properly!"

Ten minutes later, Sealab exploded.

Ending Line Break

Ending Theme: Fly Me To The Moon, By Bart Howard, Symphony Version from Evangelion Symphony by Shiro Sagisu.

Alternate Ending Theme: Always [aka, the Robot Unicorn Attack song], by Erasure.

* * *

Character Alter Egos:

Daria Morgendorffer as Catwoman.

Jane Lane as Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

Marco Marquez as John J. Rambo.

Anthony DeMartino as Walker, Texas Ranger.

Kevin Thompson as Scooby Doo.

Mack McKenzie as Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn.

Brittany Taylor as Darth Maul.

Angela Li as a head in a jar.

Diane Bennett as a mad scientist.

Helen and Jake Morgendorffer as Ghostbusters.

Quinn Morgendorffer as Sleeping Beauty.

Stacey Rowe as Gadget, from Chip N' Dale Rescue Rangers.

Tiffany Blumdeckler as Faye Valentine.

Jessie Moreno as... a smelly hobo.

Trent Lane as the Pope.

Timothy O'Neill as Magnum P.I.

David Van Driessen as Nathan Explosion.

Debbie Dupree as a Gumby Brain Specialist

Hesh Hepplewhite as a lumberjack.

Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III as a photographer at a porn set.

Andrea as Charles Foster Offdensen.

Dolphin Boy as... a pinata, getting hit with a stick.

Debbie Love as Shaft.

Jodene Sparks as a Blofeld.

Amy Barksdale as Indiana Jones.

Elsie Sloane as Motoko Kusanagi.

Tom Sloane as an MIB agent.

Kay Sloane as Princess Leia (Return of the Jedi, Rebel Uniform).

Captain Bellerophon Shanks as Han Solo (The Force Awakens).

Captain Hank Murphy as Red Forman.

Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn as a fighter pilot.

Dr. Illad Virjay as James Bond.

Val (from VAL Magazine) as a vegetable in a hospital bed. (Yep, she's still there.)

Dr. Rockso as Dr. Gonzo.

Toki Wartooth as Raoul Duke.

Charles Foster Offdensen as a used car salesman.

William Murderface as an elementary school teacher. (Yeah, just think about that one)

Pickles as a rocket scientist.

Skwisgar as a cowboy.

Jodie Landon as Taarna.

Sandi Griffin as a Slimer, from Ghostbusters.

Claire Defoe as a cyborg.

Janet Barch as a bikini model (Yes, scream in horror at the thought!)

* * *

There you have it; the final episode of Lawndale 2021 Season 02. At this time, I have begun working on Season 03 of Lawndale 2021, but it will not be posted on FFN until after I have already posted the entirety of it on PPMB. I hope that whoever reads this has fun as I had while writing it. Let me know what you think of the madness with reviews or whatever.


End file.
